The Battles of My Soul

"some of the greatest battles will be fought within the silent chambers of your own soul"

YES .... TRUE STORY .... HAPPENING NOW ....

I have not always been open about "ED" and for a LONG time I had this constant battle going on about weight and worth.  It wasn't until I started to get it out that I discovered a few things:
(1) I am not alone - many people have similar battles as I do.
(2) I have an amazing support system.
(3) Sometimes what is in my head is not the reality I live in.
(4) Sometimes things trigger and I can't help but to give in a little. 

TRUTH  ... Just because I have learned the four things above does not mean it is cut and dry. 

Common sense would tell you that since I know these things, it should be easy to identify and move on.  That is not the truth.  The truth is my mind is messed up!!  The truth is I am struggling.  Probably the dumbest thing I have done in a long time is consider eating a tapeworm to lose weight.  Really Chevie???  I know, to say that I am struggling is an understatement.  Of course, I did not eat a tapeworm nor do I plan on it, but the thought did enter my mind. 

Losing weight will not solve my issues ~~ Losing weight will not get my mind straight. 

I understand that "ED" is semi in charge of my thoughts right now, which means it is also semi in charge of my life.  For the first time in a long time, I can not open up and share with the person that I love the most.  All I can do is cry and all I can say is "My mind is messed up right now."  As you can imagine that can not be a good feeling for anyone, it can not be a good thing to hear.  Nevertheless, this is where I am at right now. 

I know that this battle will not last forever and I know that my mind and thoughts will straighten out. Once again my soul will be quiet and free. 

<3 always always



Level Three Trigger .... YES!!!

I read in an eating disorder book a little while ago that one third of the people suffering with anorexia will completely recover, one third of the people suffering with anorexia will die from it and one third of the people suffering with anorexia with struggle their entire life with it.  I am obviously in the last one third of people.  I  have come to terms with that.  I have accepted that "ED" is a part of my life.  I have been very fortunate that I have had amazing counselors to educate me and an AWESOME support system.  I know that I have been in a good place for a little while now, however everyday "ED" is a part of my thoughts.  Everyday I look in the mirror and think "can I be skinnier?" I think about running more or finding more gym time, I look for little things that I can do to cut calories or to "diet".  I am smart enough to know that all of these things are "ED" working inside me and most of the time I am able to push these thoughts aside.  I limit gym time.  I may try different things to boost metabolism, but I make a conscience effort to eat something every meal.  I know what it feels like to be in the "hamster wheel" that an eating disorder is, I also know what “triggers” me and “ED”.  Triggers are talked about a lot in groups or class.  What triggers you to fall back into the eating disorder?  For every person it is different.  For me, I always thought that MY triggers where all the same, had all the same value and weight and all I needed to do was stay focused.  I discovered that I was wrong.  I discovered  for me and "ED" I have different levels of triggers. 
 

• Level one ..... I blow it off ... easy breezy.
• Level two ..... I entertain the thought that I need to be smaller and I might even try and then my support system kicks in and I am back on track. 
• Level three .... I am back in the hamster wheel, spinning it like I was running a marathon.

I have always been open and honest on this blog.  It is my outlet ... I experienced a level three trigger and I am struggling with how to deal with it.  The first I thing I did was lay on the floor of my closet and cry.  The second thing I did was shut down - close up - stay guarded.  The third thing I did was let "ED" take control ... AGAIN.  Here I am ... on the hamster wheel ... AGAIN.

I have skipped every full meal since this "trigger" popped up.  It is funny how things works ... people are so use to watching me eat that they forget to really look at what I am eating.  As long as I take a bite of something ... I am good. 

 

Right now I am in the comfort of "ED".  Right now ... I am ok with that.  I know what is ahead for me ... I know what "ED" brings and right now that is what I want.  I also know that this will pass and I will be back on track.  I just need a moment.

<3 always always

 

Sunshine Is Waiting For You!!

It has been awhile since I blogged. Let me re-introduce myself....
I am Chevie and I live with anorexia. I am ok with that, at least I am living. I have seen the ugliest side of this disease and I fought it and by the grace of God and with amazing people I have learned to live. I am blessed!!

I first said, "I want to help people who suffer with eating disorders." I soon realized, based on my own experience that when people said they wanted to "help" me, I automatically shut them out. To have someone help me, was admitting that I had this huge problem. I knew that I did, but I did not want to fully admit it. People around me knew I was suffering, yet I took it as judging. It is funny how "ED" can twist and obscure things. I now just want to reach people. The more I talk about living a good life with"ED" the more people will see that it is possible. Not everyone will grasp it or believe it because "ED" is so strong in their life. I am a believer that "ED" is a part of your life forever, however "he" does not have to control every thought, every meal; I learned to take back my life and to not let "him" have near as much power.

I LOVE this ... Don't confuse your path with your destination.

This is so true. My path has brought me to places and people that I never thought I deserved. Happiness that I never thought I would find. Love that I never dreamed would be this good. Contentment with myself that I thought was impossible.

But more importantly ... Just because its stormy now doesn't mean that you aren’t headed for sunshine.

I know this first hand.  I was in the storm for a very long time and there are still days where it sprinkles and I have to pull out my umbrella.  That's ok.  It is not taking a step back, it is just staying in the same spot I am already in. 

 

If you are in a storm right now, remember that there is sunshine ahead. Do not give up. Do not lose hope. Do not forget that you are worth much more than what "ED" has for you right now.

<3 always always



Finally, I am where I need to be :)

The last time I blogged, I was "on my way to wonderful".  Finally, I can say I am here. :)  I have done a lot of soul searching.  A lot of "reorganizing" the people in my life.  A lot of prioritizing.  I have done a ton of laughing and very little crying.  I have finally put myself first.  I have finally let myself be happy. 

OK  ... so here is the scoop.  Everyone says, "you first have to love your self  before you can love or be loved by another person".  I call bull crap ...  This is why...

 

 



My "baggage" is I have huge self image issues, I am a person living with anorexia.  I will push people away and I will worry, I will starve myself and I put stress on the relationships of the people I love most when I do not take care of myself.  However, I have found someone who has helped me unpack my fears and my doubt.  He has held me and he has laughed with me.  He loved me first  and showed me that love is enough ~~~ his love for me is enough to make me stop and see things around me differently.  He makes me understand that EVERYTHING more than love is EXTRA or BONUS. 

 

 

I have learned in the past few months to do just this .....

So far the journey has been great!  I have been able to control my "ED".  The people in my life and their love for me is more important than the eating disorder.  I take small steps, day by day and do what I need to.  If I am lucky enough to have found someone who will fight for me, I should fight too. 

I use to think that "ED" would control my life forever.  I felt in my heart that it would always hold the most weight.  I know that "ED" will always be apart of who I am, but happiness and faith has made me realize that it does not have to be the biggest, most controlling thing in my life. 

Today, I leave you with a picture of pure happiness for me.  I can not remember the last time I smiled like this and when I felt "ED" speaking to me, I look at it and remember that I have love and friendship and hope for a future. There is hope for everyone living and fighing "ED".

Find your happiness!!!    :)

 <3 always, always

Starving Your Fears On Your Way To Wonderful

I heard two songs about two weeks ago, and some of the lyrics just grabbed me.   “I wish I could feed your dreams and starve your fears.”  I have had these words stuck in my head.

As a person who is living with an eating disorder I sometimes feel like I am “feeding” my fears by physically starving and by doing that I am “starving” my dreams. 

This is so true …

Like most little girls, you grow up with dreams of what your life will be. Marrying prince charming, looking like Barbie, having kids in this perfect house in the most amazing neighborhood.  As you grow, so do your dreams.  You still have your dreams of marriage and family, along with college and career.  However, somewhere along the way, you find yourself in the middle of “REAL” life and most of the time it is not at all what you imagined it would be. 

I look back and I can remember times where I was so caught up in trying to be “Barbie” that being happy was not an option in my life.  Not only my happiness but the happiness of the people around me.  I worried so much about starving that I could not see any of the really great things in my life.  As I look back I have discovered that I am extremely blessed, I had amazing people in my life that never gave up on me.  A mother, who is the definition of kindness and love, friends … to say that they are incredible does not do them justice; kids that are amazing.  What more could I possibly want?  I wanted to be skinny … I wanted to have this “perfect” body image … an image that I would never be able to see in myself. 

“Incredible change happens in your life when you decide to take control of what you do have power over instead of craving control over what you don't.”
― Steve Maraboli

This quote is very, very true.  I had to realize for myself the things that I could and could not control.  I understand that what I see in the mirror is NOT what it appears.  (Taking in deep breaths as I say that) …. It is not what it appears.  As I say that I am taking huge steps towards “starving my fears”.  Fears of not being enough, not having control, not being what someone wants.  What I see in the mirror is not how it appears!!!  What I see in the mirror is not how it appears. 

Finally, I feel like is can “starve” my fears.  I can “starve” my doubts.  I am learning how to recognize the triggers.  I am getting better at understanding why and how I think.  More importantly I am starting to be comfortable with telling myself things (weight, appearance, etc.) are OK.  With help from people, who have no idea the little things they do are the most helpful, I am finding I can enjoy life and have fun. Fun and enjoyment no matter what I am wearing, what the environment, or who will be there.  I can “feed” my dreams. 

The other song is, On My Way to Wonderful.  I am on my way to wonderful.   I have learned that things in the mirror are not always what they appear to be. J  The number on the scale does not define me. J  I have ALL the right people in my life. J Life is good right now … however; I am not naive enough to believe that every day from this point forward will be “eating disordered free”.  Even though I may have set backs every once in a while, I will remember what Thomas Edison said,”I haven’t failed. I’ve just found 10,000 ways that won’t work.”

 <3 <3 always always

NOT The Same Battle ... Every Day

WOW … time has flown …. It has been a little over a month since I have last published a post.  I have written a little but kept them all to myself.  Needless to say I have a bunch to say. 

Here goes …..

Every day I fight the same battle …… Am I beautiful enough?

Not anymore!!!

When I saw this picture, my heart skipped a beat.  It brought back many, many memories.  This girl in the picture was me at one time.  For me, however it was about: am I beautiful enough, am I skinny enough, and am I enough period?  I was so busy comparing myself to the world that I got lost and forgot what was important. One good thing about being lost is when you find your way home, you appreciate it more. 

 I am no longer the person in the picture …. This is why …

I have had some pretty remarkable discoveries the past month.  I have experienced the true feeling of recovery.  I have experienced a feeling of peace and comfort in a place I was not sure existed in real life.  I have found fun and laughter and silliness.  I have found joy in making my own rules.  I have found a “safe haven” in a new long distant group of two. I learned that a sister’s love and bond can never be broken.  I have been shown over and over again that TRUE friendships are beautiful and a mother’s love is the purest and most unconditional love here on earth.  

 My true feeling of recovery came when I realized I am who I am the size that I am.  I still want to go to the gym a great deal of time and I still watch what I eat, but I am “OK” with where I am at.  I feel great in my skin.  I still skip meals, but it is not because I am fearful of food it is that I am just not hungry.  When I get hungry I eat and I stop when I am full.    I am not going to lie … I have had a few rocks on my path that I have stumbled on.  I have had a few moments and I know there are a few things that I need to be doing.  I need to get back to group – I need to make a more conscience effort to be sure I eat every day.  However, in my heart I know this is what my recovery is truly like.  There was a question … How would you describe living with an eating disorder in one word?”  My answer was “Courageous”.  I feel like LIVING with an eating disorder is extremely courageous.  People with eating disorders have to get up every day and function and LIVE with this disease.  We have to hide it or live with the alternative of every person we know watching what we eat and wondering and asking how we are doing.  We wake up with an eating disorder, we make it through the day with an eating disorder, we go to bed with an eating disorder and then we start the same cycle over the next day.  That is courageous. I am not recovered but I am in recovery and that is courageous. 

My courage is strong because people believe in me.  Thank goodness for the people in my life, I could never imagine what recovery could be if it were not for a few people ---

 Juli -- I can send a text and this is what I get back …

“Chevie …. Snap out of it.  You have been doing so good, don’t let duckers get you down.  You are better than that.  You are going to have to eat a little more.  You need to get back into group.  They are needing you just as much as you are needing them.  They need to see with their own eyes that recovery is REAL.  Believe it or not you are doing amazing and you need them to help your recovery get even better.”

Jennifer -- when I get random Facebook posts like this one ……..

 In my case, with my girls … they are true angels in my life.  On more than one occasion they have lifted me when my wings were broken.  They held me up until I was able to hold myself up.    I am truly blessed with amazing friendships!!  Friendships that have been unbendable and will always be unbreakable. 

Natalie -- the other half of my AWESOME two person group.  It has been wonderful to have someone to confide in and when she says, “I know how that feels.”  She honestly and truly does in the most literal way.   To have a connection with someone that suffers with the same demons as you do is comforting.  I am not the only one … We both need each other.  This disorder has brought an amazing person into my live from hundreds of miles away. 

Mom -- Who loves …  ALWAYS!!!  I have learned how to love from her.  She is the greatest example of love there is. 

I have also learned  two breath taking lessons ….

(1)    You must love yourself and what you are, how you are in order to love or be loved.  When your mind is clouded with insanity of weight and self-worth, you can’t see what is in front of you.  You can’t allow anyone to JUST love you.  I can see crystal clear now …. I want a MOST, MOST, SPECIAL, SPECIAL, ALWAYS, ALWAYS, ROUND, ROUND, PERFECT, PERFECT, JUST, JUST kind of love. 

(2)    No matter what happens in the past, to be able to laugh with your sister is FABNIFICENT. 

Amber ~ I am proud to be your sister.  We are not required to always understand each other or to like everything about each other.  However, we have proven that our bond is special and unique.  We are the only ones that share this and that makes us pretty lucky. 

Everyday my faith is stronger.  AMEN!!!  Every day I will be thankful for the lessons I have learned and the  people in my life that have held my hand, dried my tears, held the umbrella in the rain, sat with me on the floor and brought me to this place that I am ….. RECOVERY

Finding Joy in MY Journey :)

Finding Joy in MY Journey

My journey has not always been easy however I feel like I am on my path to recovery.  I feel at peace right now.  I feel like I have so many good things going on right now in my life.  I have come to an agreement with “ED”.  An agreement that I can live a wonderful life with an eating disorder. 

~ I understand that I will ALWAYS live with “ED”.  I will always worry about my weight and my body.  I will always see all the imperfections; however, in this moment I am at peace with the stretch marks from giving birth and the scar from my childhood.  I feel really good in my clothes and more importantly I feel really good in MY skin.  I want to be toner and I am working on that; at what I feel like is a good, safe, healthy pace.  Right now that is all I can do. 

~I understand that what is the past is the past.  I do not have a rewind button and I cannot change what is done, but what I can do is forgive … not just the people that have hurt me, but myself.  I have learned that people say things out of anger and hurt that they never truly meant.  Once you speak words, you can never take them back.  You can apologize, but you cannot take them back …. The damage is already done.  I have learned through my journey that forgiving is a wonderful thing.  It does not matter what was said, what matters is how things are handled after the horrible words.  Some bonds may be damaged but never severed.  As long as there is one strand holding them together, anything can be healed. 

I have struggled and I have healed and I have struggled and here I am healing again.  I have learned that this is my journey.  Many people are on the journey with me, but they cannot do it for me.  I have learned a great deal on my journey ……..

     *Forgiveness is more for you than the other person. 

     *True friendship is rare and special.

     *A mother’s love is always and forever unconditional. 

     *Love yourself first in order to find love.

     *Be courageous

     *The power of prayer is indescribably beautiful.

Most of all be fearless …. Fearless in love …. Fearless in hope …. Fearless in recovery …. And when I slip …. Be fearless enough to get back up and start again. J

The journey is only over when you give up ….. Why not find the joy in it?