Finally, I am where I need to be :)

The last time I blogged, I was "on my way to wonderful".  Finally, I can say I am here. :)  I have done a lot of soul searching.  A lot of "reorganizing" the people in my life.  A lot of prioritizing.  I have done a ton of laughing and very little crying.  I have finally put myself first.  I have finally let myself be happy. 

OK  ... so here is the scoop.  Everyone says, "you first have to love your self  before you can love or be loved by another person".  I call bull crap ...  This is why...

 

 



My "baggage" is I have huge self image issues, I am a person living with anorexia.  I will push people away and I will worry, I will starve myself and I put stress on the relationships of the people I love most when I do not take care of myself.  However, I have found someone who has helped me unpack my fears and my doubt.  He has held me and he has laughed with me.  He loved me first  and showed me that love is enough ~~~ his love for me is enough to make me stop and see things around me differently.  He makes me understand that EVERYTHING more than love is EXTRA or BONUS. 

 

 

I have learned in the past few months to do just this .....

So far the journey has been great!  I have been able to control my "ED".  The people in my life and their love for me is more important than the eating disorder.  I take small steps, day by day and do what I need to.  If I am lucky enough to have found someone who will fight for me, I should fight too. 

I use to think that "ED" would control my life forever.  I felt in my heart that it would always hold the most weight.  I know that "ED" will always be apart of who I am, but happiness and faith has made me realize that it does not have to be the biggest, most controlling thing in my life. 

Today, I leave you with a picture of pure happiness for me.  I can not remember the last time I smiled like this and when I felt "ED" speaking to me, I look at it and remember that I have love and friendship and hope for a future. There is hope for everyone living and fighing "ED".

Find your happiness!!!    :)

 <3 always, always

Starving Your Fears On Your Way To Wonderful

I heard two songs about two weeks ago, and some of the lyrics just grabbed me.   “I wish I could feed your dreams and starve your fears.”  I have had these words stuck in my head.

As a person who is living with an eating disorder I sometimes feel like I am “feeding” my fears by physically starving and by doing that I am “starving” my dreams. 

This is so true …

Like most little girls, you grow up with dreams of what your life will be. Marrying prince charming, looking like Barbie, having kids in this perfect house in the most amazing neighborhood.  As you grow, so do your dreams.  You still have your dreams of marriage and family, along with college and career.  However, somewhere along the way, you find yourself in the middle of “REAL” life and most of the time it is not at all what you imagined it would be. 

I look back and I can remember times where I was so caught up in trying to be “Barbie” that being happy was not an option in my life.  Not only my happiness but the happiness of the people around me.  I worried so much about starving that I could not see any of the really great things in my life.  As I look back I have discovered that I am extremely blessed, I had amazing people in my life that never gave up on me.  A mother, who is the definition of kindness and love, friends … to say that they are incredible does not do them justice; kids that are amazing.  What more could I possibly want?  I wanted to be skinny … I wanted to have this “perfect” body image … an image that I would never be able to see in myself. 

“Incredible change happens in your life when you decide to take control of what you do have power over instead of craving control over what you don't.”
― Steve Maraboli

This quote is very, very true.  I had to realize for myself the things that I could and could not control.  I understand that what I see in the mirror is NOT what it appears.  (Taking in deep breaths as I say that) …. It is not what it appears.  As I say that I am taking huge steps towards “starving my fears”.  Fears of not being enough, not having control, not being what someone wants.  What I see in the mirror is not how it appears!!!  What I see in the mirror is not how it appears. 

Finally, I feel like is can “starve” my fears.  I can “starve” my doubts.  I am learning how to recognize the triggers.  I am getting better at understanding why and how I think.  More importantly I am starting to be comfortable with telling myself things (weight, appearance, etc.) are OK.  With help from people, who have no idea the little things they do are the most helpful, I am finding I can enjoy life and have fun. Fun and enjoyment no matter what I am wearing, what the environment, or who will be there.  I can “feed” my dreams. 

The other song is, On My Way to Wonderful.  I am on my way to wonderful.   I have learned that things in the mirror are not always what they appear to be. J  The number on the scale does not define me. J  I have ALL the right people in my life. J Life is good right now … however; I am not naive enough to believe that every day from this point forward will be “eating disordered free”.  Even though I may have set backs every once in a while, I will remember what Thomas Edison said,”I haven’t failed. I’ve just found 10,000 ways that won’t work.”

 <3 <3 always always

NOT The Same Battle ... Every Day

WOW … time has flown …. It has been a little over a month since I have last published a post.  I have written a little but kept them all to myself.  Needless to say I have a bunch to say. 

Here goes …..

Every day I fight the same battle …… Am I beautiful enough?

Not anymore!!!

When I saw this picture, my heart skipped a beat.  It brought back many, many memories.  This girl in the picture was me at one time.  For me, however it was about: am I beautiful enough, am I skinny enough, and am I enough period?  I was so busy comparing myself to the world that I got lost and forgot what was important. One good thing about being lost is when you find your way home, you appreciate it more. 

 I am no longer the person in the picture …. This is why …

I have had some pretty remarkable discoveries the past month.  I have experienced the true feeling of recovery.  I have experienced a feeling of peace and comfort in a place I was not sure existed in real life.  I have found fun and laughter and silliness.  I have found joy in making my own rules.  I have found a “safe haven” in a new long distant group of two. I learned that a sister’s love and bond can never be broken.  I have been shown over and over again that TRUE friendships are beautiful and a mother’s love is the purest and most unconditional love here on earth.  

 My true feeling of recovery came when I realized I am who I am the size that I am.  I still want to go to the gym a great deal of time and I still watch what I eat, but I am “OK” with where I am at.  I feel great in my skin.  I still skip meals, but it is not because I am fearful of food it is that I am just not hungry.  When I get hungry I eat and I stop when I am full.    I am not going to lie … I have had a few rocks on my path that I have stumbled on.  I have had a few moments and I know there are a few things that I need to be doing.  I need to get back to group – I need to make a more conscience effort to be sure I eat every day.  However, in my heart I know this is what my recovery is truly like.  There was a question … How would you describe living with an eating disorder in one word?”  My answer was “Courageous”.  I feel like LIVING with an eating disorder is extremely courageous.  People with eating disorders have to get up every day and function and LIVE with this disease.  We have to hide it or live with the alternative of every person we know watching what we eat and wondering and asking how we are doing.  We wake up with an eating disorder, we make it through the day with an eating disorder, we go to bed with an eating disorder and then we start the same cycle over the next day.  That is courageous. I am not recovered but I am in recovery and that is courageous. 

My courage is strong because people believe in me.  Thank goodness for the people in my life, I could never imagine what recovery could be if it were not for a few people ---

 Juli -- I can send a text and this is what I get back …

“Chevie …. Snap out of it.  You have been doing so good, don’t let duckers get you down.  You are better than that.  You are going to have to eat a little more.  You need to get back into group.  They are needing you just as much as you are needing them.  They need to see with their own eyes that recovery is REAL.  Believe it or not you are doing amazing and you need them to help your recovery get even better.”

Jennifer -- when I get random Facebook posts like this one ……..

 In my case, with my girls … they are true angels in my life.  On more than one occasion they have lifted me when my wings were broken.  They held me up until I was able to hold myself up.    I am truly blessed with amazing friendships!!  Friendships that have been unbendable and will always be unbreakable. 

Natalie -- the other half of my AWESOME two person group.  It has been wonderful to have someone to confide in and when she says, “I know how that feels.”  She honestly and truly does in the most literal way.   To have a connection with someone that suffers with the same demons as you do is comforting.  I am not the only one … We both need each other.  This disorder has brought an amazing person into my live from hundreds of miles away. 

Mom -- Who loves …  ALWAYS!!!  I have learned how to love from her.  She is the greatest example of love there is. 

I have also learned  two breath taking lessons ….

(1)    You must love yourself and what you are, how you are in order to love or be loved.  When your mind is clouded with insanity of weight and self-worth, you can’t see what is in front of you.  You can’t allow anyone to JUST love you.  I can see crystal clear now …. I want a MOST, MOST, SPECIAL, SPECIAL, ALWAYS, ALWAYS, ROUND, ROUND, PERFECT, PERFECT, JUST, JUST kind of love. 

(2)    No matter what happens in the past, to be able to laugh with your sister is FABNIFICENT. 

Amber ~ I am proud to be your sister.  We are not required to always understand each other or to like everything about each other.  However, we have proven that our bond is special and unique.  We are the only ones that share this and that makes us pretty lucky. 

Everyday my faith is stronger.  AMEN!!!  Every day I will be thankful for the lessons I have learned and the  people in my life that have held my hand, dried my tears, held the umbrella in the rain, sat with me on the floor and brought me to this place that I am ….. RECOVERY

Finding Joy in MY Journey :)

Finding Joy in MY Journey

My journey has not always been easy however I feel like I am on my path to recovery.  I feel at peace right now.  I feel like I have so many good things going on right now in my life.  I have come to an agreement with “ED”.  An agreement that I can live a wonderful life with an eating disorder. 

~ I understand that I will ALWAYS live with “ED”.  I will always worry about my weight and my body.  I will always see all the imperfections; however, in this moment I am at peace with the stretch marks from giving birth and the scar from my childhood.  I feel really good in my clothes and more importantly I feel really good in MY skin.  I want to be toner and I am working on that; at what I feel like is a good, safe, healthy pace.  Right now that is all I can do. 

~I understand that what is the past is the past.  I do not have a rewind button and I cannot change what is done, but what I can do is forgive … not just the people that have hurt me, but myself.  I have learned that people say things out of anger and hurt that they never truly meant.  Once you speak words, you can never take them back.  You can apologize, but you cannot take them back …. The damage is already done.  I have learned through my journey that forgiving is a wonderful thing.  It does not matter what was said, what matters is how things are handled after the horrible words.  Some bonds may be damaged but never severed.  As long as there is one strand holding them together, anything can be healed. 

I have struggled and I have healed and I have struggled and here I am healing again.  I have learned that this is my journey.  Many people are on the journey with me, but they cannot do it for me.  I have learned a great deal on my journey ……..

     *Forgiveness is more for you than the other person. 

     *True friendship is rare and special.

     *A mother’s love is always and forever unconditional. 

     *Love yourself first in order to find love.

     *Be courageous

     *The power of prayer is indescribably beautiful.

Most of all be fearless …. Fearless in love …. Fearless in hope …. Fearless in recovery …. And when I slip …. Be fearless enough to get back up and start again. J

The journey is only over when you give up ….. Why not find the joy in it? 

Always Wear Your Invisible Crown!!!

I know it has been awhile since my last blog, however when I saw this picture I was inspired J

Always wear your invisible crown .... I love it!! 

I am wearing mine today.  I guess I have been wearing my invisible crown for a little while.  Here I am, in this place where I feel like things are coming together.  I am just happy.  Things sometimes are on my mind, but I have come to an agreement with myself, I refuse to let things get me down.  I refuse to let people stop my progress and I refuse this live an unhappy life.  It does not matter who did or did not call me on my birthday.  I do not care who likes me or not.  I do not care what people think of me.  A very wise man said, “It is not my business to know what people's opinions are of me.  They are only opinions and they have no leverage on the person I really am.”   This is so true; I know for me and my struggle with eating disorders, I have cared about what people’s opinions are of me.  I have cared about their opinion on my appearance, on my weight, on me in general.  Really, when I stopped and thought about it, I was letting their opinion dictate my life.  Not anymore.

I have asked in the past, a few times, “What does recovery feel like?”  “How will I know it is recovery?”  I have discovered in the past month that recovery for each person is different.  You make your own recovery.  What you can live with, not what other people want for you.  People, family, doctors can tell you that you should recover, but until they have struggled like you have struggled, they have no idea the heartache, the stress, the pain, the control of an eating disorder, they also have no idea of the burning desire to find recovery.  On my search for recovery, I have found that each path to recovery is what you make it.  Some of us have a straight, narrow, long path.  Others, like myself, have short, bumpy paths with many exists and road blocks.  You just have to keep trying until you find YOUR path.  My path is one that I have not always been proud of. Along the way I have lost friends and loved ones, however I have also found incredible friendships, a fantastic support group and most importantly, I have found myself.   I have found an inner peace with my body, I have found a deeper peace with my Lord, and I have found a compromise with food that I can live with and with that, I have found happiness.  So why shouldn’t I wear my invisible crown?

Life is about change. Sometimes it's painful, sometimes it's beautiful, but most of the time, it's both ... Always wear your invisible crown ... heck, why does it need to ALWAYS be invisible? J

Say What You Need To Say

I have always loved this song by John Mayer, however I was driving down the road yesterday and had to pull over.  This song came on the radio and it just hit me.  The words are wonderfully heartwarming. 

Take all your wasted honor
Every little past frustration
Take all of your so-called problems
Better put them in quotations

SAY WHAT YOU NEWS TO SAY

Walking like a one man army
Fighting with the shadows in your head
Living out the same old moment
Knowing you'd be better off instead
If you could only

SAY WHAT YOU NEWS TO SAY

Have no fear for giving in
Have no fear for giving over
You better know that in the end
It's better to say too much
Than never to say what you need to say again

Even if your hands are shaking
And your faith is broken
Even as the eyes are closing
Do it with a heart wide open.

SAY WHAT YOU NEED TO SAY

I have been worried in the past to say what I needed to say and most of the time I blogged about it anyway.  It is good to get things off your chest and out of your heart.  Unfortunately, people are not mind readers and we need to use our words to communicate when we feel like we are being used, hurt, misunderstood, under appreciated and many more emotions that we bottled up.  I know it is hard and scary to communicate with people, even people we love the most for fear of rejection or anger, however sometimes the most beautiful things come from scary places.  Some of the most beautiful rainbows follow hurricanes.  

SAY WHAT YOU NEED TO SAY  today because you never know what tomorrow will bring.  Why wait one more day - why not be happy today ?

Ready this Time!

It has been almost a month since I have blogged.  Every time I sat down to write, I was at a loss for words.  I did not want to write about bad days, I was worried to write about good days, in fear that the next day would be a step back from recovery and I did not want to write about things that were on my mind.  However, here I am today ready to free my mind.  Ready to embrace whatever is ahead.  J

February has been a big month for me.  I moved back into my house with my kids.  At first it was scary, but every day has turned out to be a wonderful mess.  J We are running in every direction – baseball practice – basketball practice and games – soccer practice.  I will say staying busy with them has been a blessing.  I love coaching basketball.  I have found a group of boys that are amazing.  They are a talented, special, gifted group of boys that bring me joy and laughter at practices and they show complete heart, strength and unselfishness come game time.  I love watching baseball.  Keaton and Kennedy just light up when they are on the field, it is like they are at home on the diamond.  Staying busy with my kids makes my heart complete. 

Also, this February I turned 33.  I am not big on age.  Yes, I am 33 years old.  Yes, I am a single mother of four children.  Yes, I live with an eating disorder every day.  But on the flip side of all that …. I am a great mother because I am 33 years old and I have learned a lot.  I am working towards recovery because I have the knowledge that my years have given me to know that I need to recover and I will.  I also, do not need presents.  They are materials things that in the end do not matter.  My brother called me …. Julie and Jennifer both called me … My mom made me a cake and had the kids sing to me … my sister even sent me a test later that night, however the heart breaking thing is my father never called. Which is fine, I will move forward and my heart will mend and it taught me something.   Just because people are family does not mean you have to like them.  You love them because you have this bond, but you are not obligated to like them, to be around them, or to communicate.  However,  I look at my children and realize that I have gotten the better end of the deal.  They are going to miss out on how funny Keaton is and his ability to make anyone smile.  They will miss how brilliant Bailey is and how passionate and heartwarming Clowey is and they will miss how talented Kennedy is.  They will look back with regrets and heart aches. 

This month I have looked for the Lord for a ton of guidance.  He and He alone knows my path.  He and He alone is the only one who can judge?  Each person has their own relationship with the Lord.  Whatever it may be, however strong it may be, it is theirs and no one else’s.   I know that I am in the right place with my relationship with him and I have peace in my heart.  With this peace comes understanding.  Understanding that every person sins, people are going to, the Lord knows this and he loves us anyway.  That’s the beauty of Him.  True forgiveness.  This is what I realized, people can boast about their relationship with Him, people can post verses or send verses to people to insinuate something, but at the end of the day if you are thinking or saying something about another person’s relationship with the God, then you are in the wrong, you are judging and that is not your place.  Be happy with where you are and let others be happy with where they are.  At the end of the day, no one knows what is said between a person’s heart and God. 

February, is also the month of love.  Which for people who know me, know that I really dislike Valentines Day.  It has never been my favorite, probably because it is so close to my birthday and it seems to just get lumped all together.  Which stinks!!!!   What is wrong with sending flowers on April 9^th, just because you love the other person?  I let myself get a little down this year about it.  I feel like I am in this spot of the unknown.  I am alone, but yet sometimes I like that.  Relationships are hard work.  It is not always easy to love someone and when you do, I feel like you should not wait for a holiday to tell them.

Maybe the most important thing to come out of February 2012 is the realization that I am recovering.  I refuse to let the pain of my past, the ignorance of people, the turmoil with my sister or the judgment of others to alter my thoughts of myself.  I refuse to let my feelings affect my health.  I will always be cautious of my weight, I know that I have a long road ahead of me, but I have made up my mind that by letting this disorder run my life I am also missing out on the great things in my life and just flat refuse to allow that to happen.  I am worth more some disorder. 

To my mom: Thank you!  Thank you for never forgetting my birthday.  Thank you for always trying to make it a special day.  I am glad that we talk EVERY DAY and more importantly I am glad you are my mother. 

To Juli and Jennifer: Thank you!  You two listen to me cry, make me laugh and share moments with my kids that will never be forgotten.   You two and your kids are more like family than some of our “real” family!!