The Battles of My Soul

"some of the greatest battles will be fought within the silent chambers of your own soul"

YES .... TRUE STORY .... HAPPENING NOW ....

I have not always been open about "ED" and for a LONG time I had this constant battle going on about weight and worth.  It wasn't until I started to get it out that I discovered a few things:
(1) I am not alone - many people have similar battles as I do.
(2) I have an amazing support system.
(3) Sometimes what is in my head is not the reality I live in.
(4) Sometimes things trigger and I can't help but to give in a little. 

TRUTH  ... Just because I have learned the four things above does not mean it is cut and dry. 

Common sense would tell you that since I know these things, it should be easy to identify and move on.  That is not the truth.  The truth is my mind is messed up!!  The truth is I am struggling.  Probably the dumbest thing I have done in a long time is consider eating a tapeworm to lose weight.  Really Chevie???  I know, to say that I am struggling is an understatement.  Of course, I did not eat a tapeworm nor do I plan on it, but the thought did enter my mind. 

Losing weight will not solve my issues ~~ Losing weight will not get my mind straight. 

I understand that "ED" is semi in charge of my thoughts right now, which means it is also semi in charge of my life.  For the first time in a long time, I can not open up and share with the person that I love the most.  All I can do is cry and all I can say is "My mind is messed up right now."  As you can imagine that can not be a good feeling for anyone, it can not be a good thing to hear.  Nevertheless, this is where I am at right now. 

I know that this battle will not last forever and I know that my mind and thoughts will straighten out. Once again my soul will be quiet and free. 

<3 always always



Level Three Trigger .... YES!!!

I read in an eating disorder book a little while ago that one third of the people suffering with anorexia will completely recover, one third of the people suffering with anorexia will die from it and one third of the people suffering with anorexia with struggle their entire life with it.  I am obviously in the last one third of people.  I  have come to terms with that.  I have accepted that "ED" is a part of my life.  I have been very fortunate that I have had amazing counselors to educate me and an AWESOME support system.  I know that I have been in a good place for a little while now, however everyday "ED" is a part of my thoughts.  Everyday I look in the mirror and think "can I be skinnier?" I think about running more or finding more gym time, I look for little things that I can do to cut calories or to "diet".  I am smart enough to know that all of these things are "ED" working inside me and most of the time I am able to push these thoughts aside.  I limit gym time.  I may try different things to boost metabolism, but I make a conscience effort to eat something every meal.  I know what it feels like to be in the "hamster wheel" that an eating disorder is, I also know what “triggers” me and “ED”.  Triggers are talked about a lot in groups or class.  What triggers you to fall back into the eating disorder?  For every person it is different.  For me, I always thought that MY triggers where all the same, had all the same value and weight and all I needed to do was stay focused.  I discovered that I was wrong.  I discovered  for me and "ED" I have different levels of triggers. 
 

• Level one ..... I blow it off ... easy breezy.
• Level two ..... I entertain the thought that I need to be smaller and I might even try and then my support system kicks in and I am back on track. 
• Level three .... I am back in the hamster wheel, spinning it like I was running a marathon.

I have always been open and honest on this blog.  It is my outlet ... I experienced a level three trigger and I am struggling with how to deal with it.  The first I thing I did was lay on the floor of my closet and cry.  The second thing I did was shut down - close up - stay guarded.  The third thing I did was let "ED" take control ... AGAIN.  Here I am ... on the hamster wheel ... AGAIN.

I have skipped every full meal since this "trigger" popped up.  It is funny how things works ... people are so use to watching me eat that they forget to really look at what I am eating.  As long as I take a bite of something ... I am good. 

 

Right now I am in the comfort of "ED".  Right now ... I am ok with that.  I know what is ahead for me ... I know what "ED" brings and right now that is what I want.  I also know that this will pass and I will be back on track.  I just need a moment.

<3 always always

 

Sunshine Is Waiting For You!!

It has been awhile since I blogged. Let me re-introduce myself....
I am Chevie and I live with anorexia. I am ok with that, at least I am living. I have seen the ugliest side of this disease and I fought it and by the grace of God and with amazing people I have learned to live. I am blessed!!

I first said, "I want to help people who suffer with eating disorders." I soon realized, based on my own experience that when people said they wanted to "help" me, I automatically shut them out. To have someone help me, was admitting that I had this huge problem. I knew that I did, but I did not want to fully admit it. People around me knew I was suffering, yet I took it as judging. It is funny how "ED" can twist and obscure things. I now just want to reach people. The more I talk about living a good life with"ED" the more people will see that it is possible. Not everyone will grasp it or believe it because "ED" is so strong in their life. I am a believer that "ED" is a part of your life forever, however "he" does not have to control every thought, every meal; I learned to take back my life and to not let "him" have near as much power.

I LOVE this ... Don't confuse your path with your destination.

This is so true. My path has brought me to places and people that I never thought I deserved. Happiness that I never thought I would find. Love that I never dreamed would be this good. Contentment with myself that I thought was impossible.

But more importantly ... Just because its stormy now doesn't mean that you aren’t headed for sunshine.

I know this first hand.  I was in the storm for a very long time and there are still days where it sprinkles and I have to pull out my umbrella.  That's ok.  It is not taking a step back, it is just staying in the same spot I am already in. 

 

If you are in a storm right now, remember that there is sunshine ahead. Do not give up. Do not lose hope. Do not forget that you are worth much more than what "ED" has for you right now.

<3 always always



Finally, I am where I need to be :)

The last time I blogged, I was "on my way to wonderful".  Finally, I can say I am here. :)  I have done a lot of soul searching.  A lot of "reorganizing" the people in my life.  A lot of prioritizing.  I have done a ton of laughing and very little crying.  I have finally put myself first.  I have finally let myself be happy. 

OK  ... so here is the scoop.  Everyone says, "you first have to love your self  before you can love or be loved by another person".  I call bull crap ...  This is why...

 

 



My "baggage" is I have huge self image issues, I am a person living with anorexia.  I will push people away and I will worry, I will starve myself and I put stress on the relationships of the people I love most when I do not take care of myself.  However, I have found someone who has helped me unpack my fears and my doubt.  He has held me and he has laughed with me.  He loved me first  and showed me that love is enough ~~~ his love for me is enough to make me stop and see things around me differently.  He makes me understand that EVERYTHING more than love is EXTRA or BONUS. 

 

 

I have learned in the past few months to do just this .....

So far the journey has been great!  I have been able to control my "ED".  The people in my life and their love for me is more important than the eating disorder.  I take small steps, day by day and do what I need to.  If I am lucky enough to have found someone who will fight for me, I should fight too. 

I use to think that "ED" would control my life forever.  I felt in my heart that it would always hold the most weight.  I know that "ED" will always be apart of who I am, but happiness and faith has made me realize that it does not have to be the biggest, most controlling thing in my life. 

Today, I leave you with a picture of pure happiness for me.  I can not remember the last time I smiled like this and when I felt "ED" speaking to me, I look at it and remember that I have love and friendship and hope for a future. There is hope for everyone living and fighing "ED".

Find your happiness!!!    :)

 <3 always, always

Starving Your Fears On Your Way To Wonderful

I heard two songs about two weeks ago, and some of the lyrics just grabbed me.   “I wish I could feed your dreams and starve your fears.”  I have had these words stuck in my head.

As a person who is living with an eating disorder I sometimes feel like I am “feeding” my fears by physically starving and by doing that I am “starving” my dreams. 

This is so true …

Like most little girls, you grow up with dreams of what your life will be. Marrying prince charming, looking like Barbie, having kids in this perfect house in the most amazing neighborhood.  As you grow, so do your dreams.  You still have your dreams of marriage and family, along with college and career.  However, somewhere along the way, you find yourself in the middle of “REAL” life and most of the time it is not at all what you imagined it would be. 

I look back and I can remember times where I was so caught up in trying to be “Barbie” that being happy was not an option in my life.  Not only my happiness but the happiness of the people around me.  I worried so much about starving that I could not see any of the really great things in my life.  As I look back I have discovered that I am extremely blessed, I had amazing people in my life that never gave up on me.  A mother, who is the definition of kindness and love, friends … to say that they are incredible does not do them justice; kids that are amazing.  What more could I possibly want?  I wanted to be skinny … I wanted to have this “perfect” body image … an image that I would never be able to see in myself. 

“Incredible change happens in your life when you decide to take control of what you do have power over instead of craving control over what you don't.”
― Steve Maraboli

This quote is very, very true.  I had to realize for myself the things that I could and could not control.  I understand that what I see in the mirror is NOT what it appears.  (Taking in deep breaths as I say that) …. It is not what it appears.  As I say that I am taking huge steps towards “starving my fears”.  Fears of not being enough, not having control, not being what someone wants.  What I see in the mirror is not how it appears!!!  What I see in the mirror is not how it appears. 

Finally, I feel like is can “starve” my fears.  I can “starve” my doubts.  I am learning how to recognize the triggers.  I am getting better at understanding why and how I think.  More importantly I am starting to be comfortable with telling myself things (weight, appearance, etc.) are OK.  With help from people, who have no idea the little things they do are the most helpful, I am finding I can enjoy life and have fun. Fun and enjoyment no matter what I am wearing, what the environment, or who will be there.  I can “feed” my dreams. 

The other song is, On My Way to Wonderful.  I am on my way to wonderful.   I have learned that things in the mirror are not always what they appear to be. J  The number on the scale does not define me. J  I have ALL the right people in my life. J Life is good right now … however; I am not naive enough to believe that every day from this point forward will be “eating disordered free”.  Even though I may have set backs every once in a while, I will remember what Thomas Edison said,”I haven’t failed. I’ve just found 10,000 ways that won’t work.”

 <3 <3 always always

NOT The Same Battle ... Every Day

WOW … time has flown …. It has been a little over a month since I have last published a post.  I have written a little but kept them all to myself.  Needless to say I have a bunch to say. 

Here goes …..

Every day I fight the same battle …… Am I beautiful enough?

Not anymore!!!

When I saw this picture, my heart skipped a beat.  It brought back many, many memories.  This girl in the picture was me at one time.  For me, however it was about: am I beautiful enough, am I skinny enough, and am I enough period?  I was so busy comparing myself to the world that I got lost and forgot what was important. One good thing about being lost is when you find your way home, you appreciate it more. 

 I am no longer the person in the picture …. This is why …

I have had some pretty remarkable discoveries the past month.  I have experienced the true feeling of recovery.  I have experienced a feeling of peace and comfort in a place I was not sure existed in real life.  I have found fun and laughter and silliness.  I have found joy in making my own rules.  I have found a “safe haven” in a new long distant group of two. I learned that a sister’s love and bond can never be broken.  I have been shown over and over again that TRUE friendships are beautiful and a mother’s love is the purest and most unconditional love here on earth.  

 My true feeling of recovery came when I realized I am who I am the size that I am.  I still want to go to the gym a great deal of time and I still watch what I eat, but I am “OK” with where I am at.  I feel great in my skin.  I still skip meals, but it is not because I am fearful of food it is that I am just not hungry.  When I get hungry I eat and I stop when I am full.    I am not going to lie … I have had a few rocks on my path that I have stumbled on.  I have had a few moments and I know there are a few things that I need to be doing.  I need to get back to group – I need to make a more conscience effort to be sure I eat every day.  However, in my heart I know this is what my recovery is truly like.  There was a question … How would you describe living with an eating disorder in one word?”  My answer was “Courageous”.  I feel like LIVING with an eating disorder is extremely courageous.  People with eating disorders have to get up every day and function and LIVE with this disease.  We have to hide it or live with the alternative of every person we know watching what we eat and wondering and asking how we are doing.  We wake up with an eating disorder, we make it through the day with an eating disorder, we go to bed with an eating disorder and then we start the same cycle over the next day.  That is courageous. I am not recovered but I am in recovery and that is courageous. 

My courage is strong because people believe in me.  Thank goodness for the people in my life, I could never imagine what recovery could be if it were not for a few people ---

 Juli -- I can send a text and this is what I get back …

“Chevie …. Snap out of it.  You have been doing so good, don’t let duckers get you down.  You are better than that.  You are going to have to eat a little more.  You need to get back into group.  They are needing you just as much as you are needing them.  They need to see with their own eyes that recovery is REAL.  Believe it or not you are doing amazing and you need them to help your recovery get even better.”

Jennifer -- when I get random Facebook posts like this one ……..

 In my case, with my girls … they are true angels in my life.  On more than one occasion they have lifted me when my wings were broken.  They held me up until I was able to hold myself up.    I am truly blessed with amazing friendships!!  Friendships that have been unbendable and will always be unbreakable. 

Natalie -- the other half of my AWESOME two person group.  It has been wonderful to have someone to confide in and when she says, “I know how that feels.”  She honestly and truly does in the most literal way.   To have a connection with someone that suffers with the same demons as you do is comforting.  I am not the only one … We both need each other.  This disorder has brought an amazing person into my live from hundreds of miles away. 

Mom -- Who loves …  ALWAYS!!!  I have learned how to love from her.  She is the greatest example of love there is. 

I have also learned  two breath taking lessons ….

(1)    You must love yourself and what you are, how you are in order to love or be loved.  When your mind is clouded with insanity of weight and self-worth, you can’t see what is in front of you.  You can’t allow anyone to JUST love you.  I can see crystal clear now …. I want a MOST, MOST, SPECIAL, SPECIAL, ALWAYS, ALWAYS, ROUND, ROUND, PERFECT, PERFECT, JUST, JUST kind of love. 

(2)    No matter what happens in the past, to be able to laugh with your sister is FABNIFICENT. 

Amber ~ I am proud to be your sister.  We are not required to always understand each other or to like everything about each other.  However, we have proven that our bond is special and unique.  We are the only ones that share this and that makes us pretty lucky. 

Everyday my faith is stronger.  AMEN!!!  Every day I will be thankful for the lessons I have learned and the  people in my life that have held my hand, dried my tears, held the umbrella in the rain, sat with me on the floor and brought me to this place that I am ….. RECOVERY

Finding Joy in MY Journey :)

Finding Joy in MY Journey

My journey has not always been easy however I feel like I am on my path to recovery.  I feel at peace right now.  I feel like I have so many good things going on right now in my life.  I have come to an agreement with “ED”.  An agreement that I can live a wonderful life with an eating disorder. 

~ I understand that I will ALWAYS live with “ED”.  I will always worry about my weight and my body.  I will always see all the imperfections; however, in this moment I am at peace with the stretch marks from giving birth and the scar from my childhood.  I feel really good in my clothes and more importantly I feel really good in MY skin.  I want to be toner and I am working on that; at what I feel like is a good, safe, healthy pace.  Right now that is all I can do. 

~I understand that what is the past is the past.  I do not have a rewind button and I cannot change what is done, but what I can do is forgive … not just the people that have hurt me, but myself.  I have learned that people say things out of anger and hurt that they never truly meant.  Once you speak words, you can never take them back.  You can apologize, but you cannot take them back …. The damage is already done.  I have learned through my journey that forgiving is a wonderful thing.  It does not matter what was said, what matters is how things are handled after the horrible words.  Some bonds may be damaged but never severed.  As long as there is one strand holding them together, anything can be healed. 

I have struggled and I have healed and I have struggled and here I am healing again.  I have learned that this is my journey.  Many people are on the journey with me, but they cannot do it for me.  I have learned a great deal on my journey ……..

     *Forgiveness is more for you than the other person. 

     *True friendship is rare and special.

     *A mother’s love is always and forever unconditional. 

     *Love yourself first in order to find love.

     *Be courageous

     *The power of prayer is indescribably beautiful.

Most of all be fearless …. Fearless in love …. Fearless in hope …. Fearless in recovery …. And when I slip …. Be fearless enough to get back up and start again. J

The journey is only over when you give up ….. Why not find the joy in it? 

Always Wear Your Invisible Crown!!!

I know it has been awhile since my last blog, however when I saw this picture I was inspired J

Always wear your invisible crown .... I love it!! 

I am wearing mine today.  I guess I have been wearing my invisible crown for a little while.  Here I am, in this place where I feel like things are coming together.  I am just happy.  Things sometimes are on my mind, but I have come to an agreement with myself, I refuse to let things get me down.  I refuse to let people stop my progress and I refuse this live an unhappy life.  It does not matter who did or did not call me on my birthday.  I do not care who likes me or not.  I do not care what people think of me.  A very wise man said, “It is not my business to know what people's opinions are of me.  They are only opinions and they have no leverage on the person I really am.”   This is so true; I know for me and my struggle with eating disorders, I have cared about what people’s opinions are of me.  I have cared about their opinion on my appearance, on my weight, on me in general.  Really, when I stopped and thought about it, I was letting their opinion dictate my life.  Not anymore.

I have asked in the past, a few times, “What does recovery feel like?”  “How will I know it is recovery?”  I have discovered in the past month that recovery for each person is different.  You make your own recovery.  What you can live with, not what other people want for you.  People, family, doctors can tell you that you should recover, but until they have struggled like you have struggled, they have no idea the heartache, the stress, the pain, the control of an eating disorder, they also have no idea of the burning desire to find recovery.  On my search for recovery, I have found that each path to recovery is what you make it.  Some of us have a straight, narrow, long path.  Others, like myself, have short, bumpy paths with many exists and road blocks.  You just have to keep trying until you find YOUR path.  My path is one that I have not always been proud of. Along the way I have lost friends and loved ones, however I have also found incredible friendships, a fantastic support group and most importantly, I have found myself.   I have found an inner peace with my body, I have found a deeper peace with my Lord, and I have found a compromise with food that I can live with and with that, I have found happiness.  So why shouldn’t I wear my invisible crown?

Life is about change. Sometimes it's painful, sometimes it's beautiful, but most of the time, it's both ... Always wear your invisible crown ... heck, why does it need to ALWAYS be invisible? J

Say What You Need To Say

I have always loved this song by John Mayer, however I was driving down the road yesterday and had to pull over.  This song came on the radio and it just hit me.  The words are wonderfully heartwarming. 

Take all your wasted honor
Every little past frustration
Take all of your so-called problems
Better put them in quotations

SAY WHAT YOU NEWS TO SAY

Walking like a one man army
Fighting with the shadows in your head
Living out the same old moment
Knowing you'd be better off instead
If you could only

SAY WHAT YOU NEWS TO SAY

Have no fear for giving in
Have no fear for giving over
You better know that in the end
It's better to say too much
Than never to say what you need to say again

Even if your hands are shaking
And your faith is broken
Even as the eyes are closing
Do it with a heart wide open.

SAY WHAT YOU NEED TO SAY

I have been worried in the past to say what I needed to say and most of the time I blogged about it anyway.  It is good to get things off your chest and out of your heart.  Unfortunately, people are not mind readers and we need to use our words to communicate when we feel like we are being used, hurt, misunderstood, under appreciated and many more emotions that we bottled up.  I know it is hard and scary to communicate with people, even people we love the most for fear of rejection or anger, however sometimes the most beautiful things come from scary places.  Some of the most beautiful rainbows follow hurricanes.  

SAY WHAT YOU NEED TO SAY  today because you never know what tomorrow will bring.  Why wait one more day - why not be happy today ?

Ready this Time!

It has been almost a month since I have blogged.  Every time I sat down to write, I was at a loss for words.  I did not want to write about bad days, I was worried to write about good days, in fear that the next day would be a step back from recovery and I did not want to write about things that were on my mind.  However, here I am today ready to free my mind.  Ready to embrace whatever is ahead.  J

February has been a big month for me.  I moved back into my house with my kids.  At first it was scary, but every day has turned out to be a wonderful mess.  J We are running in every direction – baseball practice – basketball practice and games – soccer practice.  I will say staying busy with them has been a blessing.  I love coaching basketball.  I have found a group of boys that are amazing.  They are a talented, special, gifted group of boys that bring me joy and laughter at practices and they show complete heart, strength and unselfishness come game time.  I love watching baseball.  Keaton and Kennedy just light up when they are on the field, it is like they are at home on the diamond.  Staying busy with my kids makes my heart complete. 

Also, this February I turned 33.  I am not big on age.  Yes, I am 33 years old.  Yes, I am a single mother of four children.  Yes, I live with an eating disorder every day.  But on the flip side of all that …. I am a great mother because I am 33 years old and I have learned a lot.  I am working towards recovery because I have the knowledge that my years have given me to know that I need to recover and I will.  I also, do not need presents.  They are materials things that in the end do not matter.  My brother called me …. Julie and Jennifer both called me … My mom made me a cake and had the kids sing to me … my sister even sent me a test later that night, however the heart breaking thing is my father never called. Which is fine, I will move forward and my heart will mend and it taught me something.   Just because people are family does not mean you have to like them.  You love them because you have this bond, but you are not obligated to like them, to be around them, or to communicate.  However,  I look at my children and realize that I have gotten the better end of the deal.  They are going to miss out on how funny Keaton is and his ability to make anyone smile.  They will miss how brilliant Bailey is and how passionate and heartwarming Clowey is and they will miss how talented Kennedy is.  They will look back with regrets and heart aches. 

This month I have looked for the Lord for a ton of guidance.  He and He alone knows my path.  He and He alone is the only one who can judge?  Each person has their own relationship with the Lord.  Whatever it may be, however strong it may be, it is theirs and no one else’s.   I know that I am in the right place with my relationship with him and I have peace in my heart.  With this peace comes understanding.  Understanding that every person sins, people are going to, the Lord knows this and he loves us anyway.  That’s the beauty of Him.  True forgiveness.  This is what I realized, people can boast about their relationship with Him, people can post verses or send verses to people to insinuate something, but at the end of the day if you are thinking or saying something about another person’s relationship with the God, then you are in the wrong, you are judging and that is not your place.  Be happy with where you are and let others be happy with where they are.  At the end of the day, no one knows what is said between a person’s heart and God. 

February, is also the month of love.  Which for people who know me, know that I really dislike Valentines Day.  It has never been my favorite, probably because it is so close to my birthday and it seems to just get lumped all together.  Which stinks!!!!   What is wrong with sending flowers on April 9^th, just because you love the other person?  I let myself get a little down this year about it.  I feel like I am in this spot of the unknown.  I am alone, but yet sometimes I like that.  Relationships are hard work.  It is not always easy to love someone and when you do, I feel like you should not wait for a holiday to tell them.

Maybe the most important thing to come out of February 2012 is the realization that I am recovering.  I refuse to let the pain of my past, the ignorance of people, the turmoil with my sister or the judgment of others to alter my thoughts of myself.  I refuse to let my feelings affect my health.  I will always be cautious of my weight, I know that I have a long road ahead of me, but I have made up my mind that by letting this disorder run my life I am also missing out on the great things in my life and just flat refuse to allow that to happen.  I am worth more some disorder. 

To my mom: Thank you!  Thank you for never forgetting my birthday.  Thank you for always trying to make it a special day.  I am glad that we talk EVERY DAY and more importantly I am glad you are my mother. 

To Juli and Jennifer: Thank you!  You two listen to me cry, make me laugh and share moments with my kids that will never be forgotten.   You two and your kids are more like family than some of our “real” family!!

Put Your Clown Noses On :)

This is a picture of my four amazingly wonderful kids and I.  We had family pictures done the in December and this one is my favorite.  We had the best time that day, however, when we put on the clown noses, our day got even brighter.  We had the most amazing time laughing with each other.  The noses brought out a happier, funnier, more remarkable side of each of us.  No matter what kind of mood I am in, this picture makes me smile.  I have it framed at work and at home in a couple of places.  I even have a copy of it on my phone.   When I look at this picture it brings me back to that day and I see complete joy and happiness.  I see a family that is eating disorder free. J 

Today, I have really been looking at how blessed I am.  I am truly thankful everyday for the awesome people in my life, but the Lord gave me four beautiful children.  Each one of them are unique and clever and just wonderful in their own special way.  Each one of them know the buttons to push and an each one of them know me better then I know myself.  My little one will always warm me up a sausage biscuit in the morning when he is warming his up.  I do not want one every morning, but without fail he does it and brings it to me.  Some mornings I feel like he knows I need to eat. The other two boys are so great to tell me that I do not need to be on a diet or workout.  They are so sweet to me.  Then, there is Clowey.  I am already so worried that I will pass on my bad ED habits to her.  She is just like me and yet I want her to be nothing like me.  I want my kids to have confidence in who they are.  To be leaders and not followers and to have strength in their faith to know that even when they feel like they are walking alone they are truly walking with Him.  I want my cycle of eating disordered living to end with me.    These kids are my heart ~ these kids are the reason I breathe every day.  They deserve a life free of it.

Sometimes you need a little silly in your life.  No matter what is going on, what you are feeling, what your mind is telling you – put on your clown noses and laugh.  Wear the noses with pride and let yourself for a few moments be happy.

We all look better with clown noses and smiles on :)

Exercise ~ Eat ~ Ignore

I am printing this out and posting it where I can see it every day. 

Exercise to be fit, not skinny ~~~~ I know that I lose sight of this.  I want to work out to be skinny.  I love to workout.  I want to work out all the time.  I would go to the gym everyday if I could.  The whole time I am there I am thinking about the amount of calories I am burning.  I am making sure that I burn more than I consumed.  I even get excited when I can burn more calories than I consumed in two days.  I need to start working on being fit.  I need to try to think of it as staying healthy.  I need to focus on toning and not losing. 

Eat to nourish your body ~~~~This one is really hard!  I know in my mind that I need eat to nourish myself.  I must eat to keep going.  I have a super busy schedule and I feel horrible when my body is dragging because I have not given it enough.  On the flip side of that however, is I feel just as horrible when I eat.  I feel guilty, I feel like a failure.  I feel hate towards myself for giving into food.  Maybe, if I can look at it as fuel for my body - I will be ok.  Eat enough to be full but not guilty about it. 

AND ALWAYS ....

Ignore the haters, doubters, unhealthy examples that were once feeding me ~~~~ I love this line!!  Ignore the haters.  This made me think of a quote my friend Jennifer sent me .... " Don’t worry about what people say behind your back, they are the people who are finding faults in your life instead of fixing the faults in their own life."  Ignore the doubters.  The people who say, "You will never beat this."  I will ..  it just takes time and courage.  Ignore the unhealthy examples that are feeding my eating disorder.  WOW .... This one is big for me.  I look at all kinds of people and wonder if I am skinny, if I am sexy.  I need to let that go.  I need accept my body for what it is.  I need to have faith that I am at the place I am suppose to be.  My body is what it is.  As long as I take care of  it .... it will be ok. 

I AM WORTH MORE THAN I REALIZE :)

Beautiful in the Dark

I saw this yesterday and it has been stuck on my mind.  What does beautiful look like in the dark?  Of course I shut myself in the bathroom and in the complete darkness I looked at myself and for a moment or two in the deep black, silent space my eating disorder was silenced and I was beautiful.  In the dark, I could not find my flaws, my tummy roll, my stretch marks, the dark circles under my eyes.  In the dark, I felt like I was normal.  More importantly I felt eating disorder free.  Than the light had to be turned on and reality along with the eating disorder thinking came back and there were all my physical flaws back.  :( 

What if, we could live in the dark and all that people knew was words that were spoken - or what they felt in their hearts.  What if our physical traits were only judged based on what we could feel with our hands.  The world would be a better place to live, if we all lived in the dark.  There would be less hate and less judgment.  People would stop “seeing” people. Everyone would be their own kind of beautiful.  Eating disordered people could have a break ~ a life of just living.  We could enjoy and embrace our bodies.  For me, I would have anything to compare my body too.  If I lived in the dark, my beautiful would be easy to feel. 

However, the reality is we live with the light on.  We live in a world of runway models and diet commercials.  We live in a world that is so bright; most people judge others first by their appearance and never give them a chance to show how great their heart is.  Not only do I have every light on but I also have night lights for the dark.  I am so worried about my weight – I am consumed by it most days.  I count calories, I restrict, I hide the truth about meals.  My eating disorder has a spot light shinning on all the things I see wrong about my physical self. 

A dear friend posted this bible verse this morning and I love it. 

‎"For the Lord does not see as a man sees; for a man looks at the outward appearance, but the Lord looks at the heart. "  ~~1Samuel 16:7b

I need to remember this – for myself – I need to turn the lights off more often –

WARNING:

I need this for my mirror at home.  I need it so I can look at it every day and remind myself that I am who I am, I weigh what I weigh and I am not going to able to keep abusing my body to be something that "TV" says is beautiful. 

I will say, those things are easy to say, however it is hard to wrap my mind around the idea of being "ok" with how I am right now.  Right now, every channel is running weight loss center commercials.  I understand they are running because a lot of people make it their new year’s resolution to lose weight, however, on the flip side for me, I am so tired of seeing them and just a little bit I feed into them.  I have even looked up one on the internet and the meals that they provide are more calories than I would even think about.  I know it is crazy, but "ED" can make you think crazy thoughts.  I know.... I look in the mirror and pick out EVERY flaw that I have.  I see things wrong with me that no one else sees.  I keep telling myself, I need to lose five more pounds and I will be happy with where I am at.  How will I ever know when I lose the five pounds if I am scared to get on the scale?  I cannot judge if i have lost weight or not so when I look in the mirror, I just keeping thinking.... lose more weight ... lose more weight ... lose more weight.  I am not losing, I feel like I am not losing at all, but I don’t feel like I am gaining.  I am just in this spot of "body image hell". 

I am a huge believer in everyday is new day.  This is true.  The thoughts that I am struggling with today, hopefully will be gone in the morning and I will be able to put clothes on and feel good about myself. 

Tomorrow I will remember ~ reflections in the mirror may be distorted ~

Only God Can .....

I love this!!!!  :)

This is so true and at the same time this gives me hope for recovery. 

Only God can turn a MESS into a MESSAGE ~ Right now I feel like my life is a mess.  Not all of it, I have a great mom, wonderful kids, a job I love, but I feel like the skin I am in is all wrong.  I feel like my appearance is ugly and fat.  I feel like I have been less selective on what I have choose to eat, which makes me feel like I have gained 10 pounds.  I just feel heavy and weighed down.  On the positive side, I have been in a worse place and I am working on my message.  My message  ... of hope, of love, of understanding, of fight.  Every day that I live with ED is a day that get to share my message.  As long as I am sharing my message, I am alive. 

Only God can turn a TEST into a TESTIMONY  ~ Living with an eating disorder has been the biggest test in my life.  There are days that I feel like I am failing at this test.  However, I have complete faith that one day this test will be my testimony.  A testimony of hope, of love, of understanding, of fight.  Every day that I live with ED will only make my testimony stronger. 

Only God can turn a TRIAL into a TRIUMPH ~ Finding recovery is a huge trail.  I want it so badly.  I want to know what it is like to go eat and not have the thought of calories in my mind.  I want to eat dessert and LOVE it.  I want to LOVE myself.   But, in the midst of all of this I know in my heart when I do reach recovery, this will be the most amazing triumph in my life.  Every day that I live with ED, I will fight for recovery.   A triumph, of hope, of love, of understand, of fight.  I will fight because I deserve a triumph in my life. 

Only God can turn a VICTIM into a VICTORY ~  I am a victim of this horrible disorder.  I wake up a victim; I go to asleep a victim.  The people in my life that love me are victims.  My kids are victims.  This disease touches everyone around you.  It takes things away from you.  This disease consumes your thoughts and drowns out all that is good.  I am tired of being a victim.  I am ready to turn this into a victory.  A victory of hope, of love, of understanding, of fight.  I will celebrate my victory when I no longer live everyday with ED. 

I am ready to share my message of my life with an eating disorder in my testimony of triumph and victory.  I know that I will ~ I will because God has a plan for me.  :)

Without Darkness ......

without darkness, one cannot know light

There are many dark things in my life, but thank goodness I have had darkness, so I can appreciate the light :) 


Eating disorders are horrible.  Any kind, in any shape, they are all horrible.  My eating disorder keeps me in the dark a lot.  There are days that all I want to do is sleep so that i do not have to be up thinking about my weight.  My eating disorder makes me think about everything I put into my mouth.  It consumes me every day.  my eating disorder is causing me to lose my hair, it is causing me to bruise very easily, it is making lose sleep and making me very emotional.  However, through the darkness, there is light.  Light of a better day, light of recovery.  I am moving on each day to recovery.  I realized that right now I am in the dark, but when I am in the light, I will appreciate myself more.  In the light, I will love myself and my body, because I have been in the dark of hating myself and my body.  I know, the place I am in right this moment is bad and once I find my way out, I am going to fight everyday to at least have my "night light on".  I am trying to stay positive and realistic.  Realistic, in that I know, where I am at with my eating disorder, but positive that one day I will not be here.  :)

Another dark place for me is my relationship with my sister and a few other people.  I have been open and honest, I have been angry and sad, I have let go and tried to move on, but when people always have something to say, it is hard to stay in that place of not caring.  We live in a world where a single word can spread within minutes.  People think that they can say something and that it will never get back around to the other person.  It always does.  I have learned in the darkness of horrible relationships, how beautiful the light of true friendships can be.  I have learned in the darkness of people’s words, the light from a real friend can shine the brightest.  When hate consumes people and they insist on continuing to hurt people, love from a true friend will make you forget all about them.  Thank goodness I have several shining lights in my life, to help me forget about the dark.   :)

Just when you think every door is closed, remember this; just because the door is closed does not mean it is locked. Sometimes all you need to do is push on it. Taking a chance and pushing one a closed door, might find you light that you did not expect.

Take What I Need

The past 24 hours have been an emotional roller coaster and now I have to focus on the path ... the path to happiness and recovery.  In order to stay straight on the path I am going to take what I need and leave the rest for later. 

HOPE: I have hope.  "For I know the plans I have for you, plans to prosper and not harm you, plans to give you HOPE and a future." Jeremiah 29:11.  I believe that.  He does have a plan for me and if He has HOPE for me than I will take that and hold it near. 

COURAGE:  I have always felt like I lacked COURAGE, so much I have a "COURAGE" tattoo in hopes it will remind me to be courageous. 

FORGIVENESS: I need FORGIVENESS from the people I have hurt and I want to FORGIVE the people that have hurt me.  I know FORGIVNESS is hard.  It is something that everyone wants, but can hardly do.  There is a quote, "FORGIVENESS is not for them, it is for you."  I am going to try to remember that. 

LOVE: I believe in LOVE. LOVE for your family, LOVE for your children and LOVE for yourself.  I want to LOVE, I just need to figure out what LOVE is made of, how it looks, but more importantly I need to just LOVE and let everything else work out. 

LAUGHTER: Thank goodness I have tons of LAUGHTHER in my life.  It keeps me grounded.  When everything else is crazy, I will have LAUGHTER to remind me to keep light - hearted.  

PEACE of mind: WOW ... this is one that I am struggling with.  I am having a hard time wrapping my head around things right now and to just be at PEACE with myself would be a wonderful thing.  Hopefully PEACE of mind will come in time.  

FAITH: I am thankful everyday for the FAITH the Lord has given me.  When all else fails, when people are hurtful, when I have made mistakes, when I need answers, when I need peace, I turn to Him .... Matthew 17:9 says, "If you have FAITH the size of a mustard seed, you will say to this mountain, "move here" and it will move; and nothing will be impossible for you."  :)

TENDERNESS: I need TENDERNESS.  Sometimes, I need to be handled with "kid gloves".  I think I need to understand when other people need TENDERNESS.  There are times that each and every one of us need to be handled with "kid gloves".  

BEAUTY: I see BEAUTY in all the things around me.  I see BEAUTY in my children, I see BEAUTY in the way my brother and mom love me, I see BEAUTY in my friendships.  I want more than anything to see BEAUTY in me.  It's in there, I just have to look in the mirror enough and start believing what I see.  It is not just about appearance and I need to believe that. 


STRENGTH: I will take a bunch of this.  I need all the STRENGHT I can get.  I need it to find recovery; I need it every day to look in the mirror.  I need STRENGTH to be to stay on the path.  

REST: I will REST .... When I cannot sleep, my mind is all over the place.  I am more emotional.  When I am tired, is when the eating disorder is the most powerful.  My body needs REST.

PASSION:  I want to have PASSION in my life.  PASSION for love and PASSION for life.  I will find my PASSION again.