I guess it is a good thing I like to smile :)

I guess it is a good thing I like to smile :)

This really hit my heart this morning ... because as I think of myself, my smile is the ONLY curve that I want.  I feel like I have fallen off the wagon here lately.  I know that my "curves" are growing.  I know that I am more unhappy with my body. 

Over the weekend I ate two meals each day and then Monday I ate dinner.  I know that my number has gone up and that worries me.  So for everyone else,  this is good, I am on the track to recovery, but to me I am failing.  I am failing at being skinny, I am failing at having control over my eating habits.  Thanksgiving is coming up and there will be food everywhere.  Christmas is right after that and if I can not control what I put in my mouth now, how can I do it then.  Or even worse, I hate that people look  at what I am eating or not eating.  They have something to say, they ask "is that all you are eating?" "Are you still hungry?"  I feel obligated to eat ~ to make people feel ok.  Then afterwards I feel horrible. 

Why .... why cant I let is go?  Why cant I be happy with myself? 

Why are very few people happy with their weight? Everyone around me is on a diet.  Every magazine has articles and ideas on how to lose weight.  Why am I always driven to these articles? Why do I feel the need to diet? 

I cant remember at time where I was happy with what I weighed.  I cant remember a time that I looked at myself in the mirror and was happy with the reflection.  I cant remember a time that I felt good enough .... maybe that's why I smile so much..... so people do not know my horror.  I want to enjoy dessert ... I want to pick sometimes where we go eat at.  I really want to believe him when he tells me I am sexy. 

Until then, I will be thankful that I LOVE to smile. :)

My Fingers

This is exactly how I feel today...  This is just perfect!

Where to start .... lets see... the pointer finger: to pick out my dearest family members :) My mother is my ROCK!! She is supportive and loving.  She always helps when she is needed.  She make me laugh.  She was my very first friend and I will love her to the end.  My step dad Vini, who has never said that I am his "step" daughter.  I am his daughter and he loves me everyday!  My brother Chase, who has a blunt way of saying things, but yet I have never doubted his care for me.  Keaton, Bailey, Clowey, and Kennedy ... my four awesome, wonderful kids.  They are the reason I breath.  They are complete joy in heart.   :)

My little finger .... for my best friends and the promises I will never break.  I can count on one hand my best friends.  I have a group of wonderful girls!! Connie, Amy, Betsy, and Holly, but there are two that make me a better person.... Juli - my soul mate.  Hate and lies brought us together, but truth and love keep us close.  She knows exactly what I am saying when I do not even know what I am saying.  She ALWAYS knows what to say to me... "it will be ok" or "FUCK him Chevie" ... no matter what it may be it is perfect at the time.  I "lobe" her. Jennifer - my light.  She has ALWAYS been so easy to talk to.  She ALWAYS understands and forgives.  Her heart amazes me. Her ability to take control of an situation makes me admire her.  Her courage is comforting to me.  I am lucky to have them in my life. 

My middle finger ... for those bitches who push me too far.... This is a difficult one. Some of the people this finger is for have been my close friends at times, even family members.  Friends that I thought would never be the people they are today.  I know that I contributed to the down fall of our relationship and I know,  I am not perfect but neither are they.  I have decided that there is no longer room in my life for people who are petty and selfish.  People who are hateful and mean.  People who feel the need to put someone down to make themselves look better.  I have learned there are THREE sides to every story (your side, my side and the truth).  This is when you see who is real and true in your life... if they care enough to try to see the truth first, they are worth keeping.  If they only see their side and talk behind your back, then they are garbage and need to be discarded. 

My ring finger .... for that special guy when the time is right.  I have so longed for a special guy at the right time.  I want a love story.  A happy ever after.   A guy who opens the car door.  A guy who loves me when I cry.  A guy who watches me while I sleep and laughs with me when I am completely silly.  A good guy... a guy who tells me I am beautiful and really means it.  I guy to take my breath away ----- to sweep me off my feet.   A guy to have fun with.  A guy to give me a moment everyday, a moment that makes me fall in love with them all over again.  I have learned that you  have to go through heartache to know what happiness really feels like. 

And my thumb ... to show the world that I am going to be ok.  I will be ok. I will be ok because I have love in my pointer finger. I will be ok because I have faith and strength in my pinkie finger.  I will be ok because I have hope and future in my ring finger, and I will be ok in spite of my middle finger. 

Letting Go

Today has been a good day :). I went to group. It is funny, I was so so scared before to go to group therapy, I was so worried about what people would think of me, but the people there are great! For the first time I feel like I am talking to someone that understands what I am thinking, what I am going through. They understand how hard day to day things are. They care without worry and judgement. They are just like me. The relationships that are being made in that group will be forever in my heart. One thing I struggle with is that the people in my life have a hard time understanding what it is like for me. However, I have a hard time understanding them. They have never been on this side of the fence.... The side of wanting to look perfect... The side where it is scary gain one pound... The side where at any moment my mind can be on food and calories. Or the hardest scarest part, is when I want to feel sexy and I can't because I am so worried a out what is going through his mind. Will he notice my belly roll, will he find it as disgusting as I do? But on the other hand I have never been on their side. The side of concern, the side of worry, the side of feeling helpless and not knowing what to do. In my mind I know that I can not move on with my life ... A life of happiness, a life of fun, a life with someone who loves me more then I can imagine if I do not let go of the past and this eat disorder. This has stolen from my life my happiness, my joy, countless hours of my life, my quality of life. I want to refuse to let it take anything more from me. I want to be able to be ok with myself. I want to lay next to someone and not have any fears. I want to be able to eat normally. I want to have my kids look back and have good memories ... To be able to remember a time where their mother was not on a diet. I know I have a long road, I know it will not be easy, but I will overcome. I may not have the answers right now on how to overcome but I will. I will because I believe in love and love IS enough.

So I have not weighed in days ... I have no idea what "the number " is.  I was feeling pretty good about he fact that I have not been on the scale.  I felt empowered by it.  In my mind I thought that I was finally in control and that I did not have to know my number.  Then I noticed something while I was driving down the road ... the ring I wear everyday spins around my finger more then it did earlier this week.  So, I started thinking .... of some of the other signs that I have overlooked, but now are important to me.  Spinning is a sign of weight loss.  That makes me happy and ok with not knowing my number.  That is how this works. As long as I still see signs of skinny I am happy.  I have thought back on my eating habits and they have changed. Without making a big deal out of eating, I am eating in front of people but what I choose to eat is different.  I will eat in front of my mom, what she cooks, but then not eat anything the next day and the day after only eat something really small.  I feel like I am doing my part by eating something and the people around me feel ok because they see me eating.  It is like a win win situation.  :) 

So as I think about the picture ... I remember the time I told my mom something... It was a very low time in my life and I am so sorry that I hurt her so much with my words.  She said, "you are killing yourself" and I said, "at least I will be skinny in my casket."  Wow .... I know it is harsh, but skinny makes me feel validated, makes me feel ok with myself.  Skinny makes me feel pretty and happy.  Honestly, I still feel that way .... "at least I will be skinny in my casket"  It is if part of me wants no one to remember anything but I was skinny. 

Tomorrow is a new day and maybe I will be thin enough tomorrow. 

The Simple Things are Making Me Happy :)

I am an over thinker.  I cant help it.  I can take something very little and think it to death.  It does nothing but make me worry and cause me stress.  I have major decisions to make with Bailey's health and I am so nervous.  Am I a good enough mother to make such serious decisions?  I do not have a medical degree, so why do they say you need to consider.  I can consider all day long and at the end of the day I am still not going to have an idea of what I should do.  Why cant they just say this is what we need to do and go with it? I really hate the drive home from the doctors office.  Bailey is asleep in the back seat and I am crying in the front seat. 

However, today I took the kids to McDonald's and we played for three hours.  We laughed and fought.  We played and cried.   I also forgot that there is something wrong with Bailey and for a little while my mind was completely at ease.  For those three hours I had a normal (as much as he can be) son.  I am completely thankful for tonight.  For the company we had to laugh with.  For the outstanding game of kick ball we played.  TEAM HAPPY ROCKS!!! For the memories that were made!! 

I love my child, I love that he is brave.  I love that he is still innocent and little,but yet smart enough to take care of himself and grown enough to take a responsible role in this whole thing.  I pray for him.  Please Lord, hold him close.  Let him live his life. I pray for me too.  Please Lord, hold my hand and give me the strength to be strong for him.  Give me the knowledge to take him down the right paths.  I know that God has a plan for both Bailey and I.  I believe in that plan.  I may not know what the end will look like but I know when we get there, it will be right where we need to be.  So in the mean time, I will try to enjoy more of the simple small moments more and worry a little less about things that are ultimately not in my hands. 

Life is not about waiting for the storm to pass, it is about learning to dance in the rain.

This is my goal.... dance in the rain. 

My relationship with food is like a huge thunderstorm. ~ My relationship with my sister is a hurricane. 

My thunderstorm, at moments seems to only be a sprinkle some days.  I can see the pretty flowers trying to come up.  I have hope and faith that I will do better.  I feel completely horrible that the people that I hold dear and close have to go through this with me. They have to hold me when I cry, give me encouragement, help me get to group, sit with me on the bathroom floor.  They listen to me, they love me.  They are everything that I need.  Even more, then just the eating disorder, they are there for me no matter what.  At the moments of a complete down pour, they hold the umbrella for me because I am not strong enough.  If for no other reason, I need to get out of this circle for them, my kids and my mom.  

My relationship with my sister however is like Hurricane Katrina.  The winds are dangerously strong, the rain beats down hard, the devastation that is left behind is heartbreaking and at times unbearable.  This hurricane has torn friendships and families apart.  This storm has done damage that can not be repaired.  The main storm is over, but the effects of the storm continue everyday.  For me, I miss my sister something fierce,  I received my first coin in EDA and I had to get drunk to share the information with her.  There is not a day goes by that I do not want to call my sister or talk to her.  My heart breaks because my mom and my brother suffer from this.  The people we love feel awkward when we are all together .... they are not sure who to talk to or sit by.  My children suffer because she is their aunt and the love her.  I miss her kids like crazy.  However the lines have been drawn and there have been things said that can never be taken back.  I do not know how she feels.  I have seen and heard things that she has had to say ... things that are hurtful and mean.  Is that a sign that she is hurting too?  That is what I am thinking because to think that she is just cold and heartless is not an option.

To my sister:  I am not perfect.  I have made mistakes.  I live with those everyday.  I am sorry. 

At the end of the day, my life goes on.  I am lucky that I have had the honor to have amazing people teach me how to dance.  More importantly, one of them dance in the rain with me EVERYDAY. 

Hello My Name is ....... MOM

For as long as I could remember I have wanted to be a mother.  I love my kids... all four of them.  They are wonderful and amazing in their own way.  They each make me laugh and cry and smile in different ways.  I had no idea that I could love this much.  I love the way they smile in the morning.  I love the way they get excited.  I love the way they like to talk to me.  I love the way we laugh at each other. I love the hugs we share.  I LOVE them!!!

I also had no idea that I could worry this much.  I worry about their health, their happiness, their studies.... I worry about my parenting skills the most.  Am I giving them what they need to become functioning adults?  I am teaching them to be respectful, honest, giving, kind spirited, loving, caring and successful.  My children are still young, but I look back and wonder, have I been so self- consumed with my own life that I have done them a disservice?  Or have I favored one and let the others down?  I have missed things that I will later regret?  Have I forgotten what is important? Have I taught them enough about our Savior? Have I prepared them enough for the world?  Will I ever think that I have done a good job with my children?

As I look at them as they sleep, I can’t help but smile. They have great grades, they each have wonderful personalities, and they each have a passion for life that melts my heart.  When I think about them, I am just overwhelmed with excitement, joy and love.  My kids LOVE me!! They are not perfect and sometimes they argue with each other and sometimes they get underneath my skin and sometimes they get frustrated with me, but at the end of the day I lay them down and kiss them good night and I thank the Lord that they are mine.  He has truly blessed me.  He knew what I needed and placed them with me.  He also knew that I can be a fantastic mom.  He has always had faith in me.  At the end of my life I will know at least one thing, I raised four OUTSTANDING people and I was the best mom I could be.