I guess it is a good thing I like to smile :)

I guess it is a good thing I like to smile :)

This really hit my heart this morning ... because as I think of myself, my smile is the ONLY curve that I want.  I feel like I have fallen off the wagon here lately.  I know that my "curves" are growing.  I know that I am more unhappy with my body. 

Over the weekend I ate two meals each day and then Monday I ate dinner.  I know that my number has gone up and that worries me.  So for everyone else,  this is good, I am on the track to recovery, but to me I am failing.  I am failing at being skinny, I am failing at having control over my eating habits.  Thanksgiving is coming up and there will be food everywhere.  Christmas is right after that and if I can not control what I put in my mouth now, how can I do it then.  Or even worse, I hate that people look  at what I am eating or not eating.  They have something to say, they ask "is that all you are eating?" "Are you still hungry?"  I feel obligated to eat ~ to make people feel ok.  Then afterwards I feel horrible. 

Why .... why cant I let is go?  Why cant I be happy with myself? 

Why are very few people happy with their weight? Everyone around me is on a diet.  Every magazine has articles and ideas on how to lose weight.  Why am I always driven to these articles? Why do I feel the need to diet? 

I cant remember at time where I was happy with what I weighed.  I cant remember a time that I looked at myself in the mirror and was happy with the reflection.  I cant remember a time that I felt good enough .... maybe that's why I smile so much..... so people do not know my horror.  I want to enjoy dessert ... I want to pick sometimes where we go eat at.  I really want to believe him when he tells me I am sexy. 

Until then, I will be thankful that I LOVE to smile. :)