Always Wear Your Invisible Crown!!!

I know it has been awhile since my last blog, however when I saw this picture I was inspired J

Always wear your invisible crown .... I love it!! 

I am wearing mine today.  I guess I have been wearing my invisible crown for a little while.  Here I am, in this place where I feel like things are coming together.  I am just happy.  Things sometimes are on my mind, but I have come to an agreement with myself, I refuse to let things get me down.  I refuse to let people stop my progress and I refuse this live an unhappy life.  It does not matter who did or did not call me on my birthday.  I do not care who likes me or not.  I do not care what people think of me.  A very wise man said, “It is not my business to know what people's opinions are of me.  They are only opinions and they have no leverage on the person I really am.”   This is so true; I know for me and my struggle with eating disorders, I have cared about what people’s opinions are of me.  I have cared about their opinion on my appearance, on my weight, on me in general.  Really, when I stopped and thought about it, I was letting their opinion dictate my life.  Not anymore.

I have asked in the past, a few times, “What does recovery feel like?”  “How will I know it is recovery?”  I have discovered in the past month that recovery for each person is different.  You make your own recovery.  What you can live with, not what other people want for you.  People, family, doctors can tell you that you should recover, but until they have struggled like you have struggled, they have no idea the heartache, the stress, the pain, the control of an eating disorder, they also have no idea of the burning desire to find recovery.  On my search for recovery, I have found that each path to recovery is what you make it.  Some of us have a straight, narrow, long path.  Others, like myself, have short, bumpy paths with many exists and road blocks.  You just have to keep trying until you find YOUR path.  My path is one that I have not always been proud of. Along the way I have lost friends and loved ones, however I have also found incredible friendships, a fantastic support group and most importantly, I have found myself.   I have found an inner peace with my body, I have found a deeper peace with my Lord, and I have found a compromise with food that I can live with and with that, I have found happiness.  So why shouldn’t I wear my invisible crown?

Life is about change. Sometimes it's painful, sometimes it's beautiful, but most of the time, it's both ... Always wear your invisible crown ... heck, why does it need to ALWAYS be invisible? J

Say What You Need To Say

I have always loved this song by John Mayer, however I was driving down the road yesterday and had to pull over.  This song came on the radio and it just hit me.  The words are wonderfully heartwarming. 

Take all your wasted honor
Every little past frustration
Take all of your so-called problems
Better put them in quotations

SAY WHAT YOU NEWS TO SAY

Walking like a one man army
Fighting with the shadows in your head
Living out the same old moment
Knowing you'd be better off instead
If you could only

SAY WHAT YOU NEWS TO SAY

Have no fear for giving in
Have no fear for giving over
You better know that in the end
It's better to say too much
Than never to say what you need to say again

Even if your hands are shaking
And your faith is broken
Even as the eyes are closing
Do it with a heart wide open.

SAY WHAT YOU NEED TO SAY

I have been worried in the past to say what I needed to say and most of the time I blogged about it anyway.  It is good to get things off your chest and out of your heart.  Unfortunately, people are not mind readers and we need to use our words to communicate when we feel like we are being used, hurt, misunderstood, under appreciated and many more emotions that we bottled up.  I know it is hard and scary to communicate with people, even people we love the most for fear of rejection or anger, however sometimes the most beautiful things come from scary places.  Some of the most beautiful rainbows follow hurricanes.  

SAY WHAT YOU NEED TO SAY  today because you never know what tomorrow will bring.  Why wait one more day - why not be happy today ?

Ready this Time!

It has been almost a month since I have blogged.  Every time I sat down to write, I was at a loss for words.  I did not want to write about bad days, I was worried to write about good days, in fear that the next day would be a step back from recovery and I did not want to write about things that were on my mind.  However, here I am today ready to free my mind.  Ready to embrace whatever is ahead.  J

February has been a big month for me.  I moved back into my house with my kids.  At first it was scary, but every day has turned out to be a wonderful mess.  J We are running in every direction – baseball practice – basketball practice and games – soccer practice.  I will say staying busy with them has been a blessing.  I love coaching basketball.  I have found a group of boys that are amazing.  They are a talented, special, gifted group of boys that bring me joy and laughter at practices and they show complete heart, strength and unselfishness come game time.  I love watching baseball.  Keaton and Kennedy just light up when they are on the field, it is like they are at home on the diamond.  Staying busy with my kids makes my heart complete. 

Also, this February I turned 33.  I am not big on age.  Yes, I am 33 years old.  Yes, I am a single mother of four children.  Yes, I live with an eating disorder every day.  But on the flip side of all that …. I am a great mother because I am 33 years old and I have learned a lot.  I am working towards recovery because I have the knowledge that my years have given me to know that I need to recover and I will.  I also, do not need presents.  They are materials things that in the end do not matter.  My brother called me …. Julie and Jennifer both called me … My mom made me a cake and had the kids sing to me … my sister even sent me a test later that night, however the heart breaking thing is my father never called. Which is fine, I will move forward and my heart will mend and it taught me something.   Just because people are family does not mean you have to like them.  You love them because you have this bond, but you are not obligated to like them, to be around them, or to communicate.  However,  I look at my children and realize that I have gotten the better end of the deal.  They are going to miss out on how funny Keaton is and his ability to make anyone smile.  They will miss how brilliant Bailey is and how passionate and heartwarming Clowey is and they will miss how talented Kennedy is.  They will look back with regrets and heart aches. 

This month I have looked for the Lord for a ton of guidance.  He and He alone knows my path.  He and He alone is the only one who can judge?  Each person has their own relationship with the Lord.  Whatever it may be, however strong it may be, it is theirs and no one else’s.   I know that I am in the right place with my relationship with him and I have peace in my heart.  With this peace comes understanding.  Understanding that every person sins, people are going to, the Lord knows this and he loves us anyway.  That’s the beauty of Him.  True forgiveness.  This is what I realized, people can boast about their relationship with Him, people can post verses or send verses to people to insinuate something, but at the end of the day if you are thinking or saying something about another person’s relationship with the God, then you are in the wrong, you are judging and that is not your place.  Be happy with where you are and let others be happy with where they are.  At the end of the day, no one knows what is said between a person’s heart and God. 

February, is also the month of love.  Which for people who know me, know that I really dislike Valentines Day.  It has never been my favorite, probably because it is so close to my birthday and it seems to just get lumped all together.  Which stinks!!!!   What is wrong with sending flowers on April 9^th, just because you love the other person?  I let myself get a little down this year about it.  I feel like I am in this spot of the unknown.  I am alone, but yet sometimes I like that.  Relationships are hard work.  It is not always easy to love someone and when you do, I feel like you should not wait for a holiday to tell them.

Maybe the most important thing to come out of February 2012 is the realization that I am recovering.  I refuse to let the pain of my past, the ignorance of people, the turmoil with my sister or the judgment of others to alter my thoughts of myself.  I refuse to let my feelings affect my health.  I will always be cautious of my weight, I know that I have a long road ahead of me, but I have made up my mind that by letting this disorder run my life I am also missing out on the great things in my life and just flat refuse to allow that to happen.  I am worth more some disorder. 

To my mom: Thank you!  Thank you for never forgetting my birthday.  Thank you for always trying to make it a special day.  I am glad that we talk EVERY DAY and more importantly I am glad you are my mother. 

To Juli and Jennifer: Thank you!  You two listen to me cry, make me laugh and share moments with my kids that will never be forgotten.   You two and your kids are more like family than some of our “real” family!!

Put Your Clown Noses On :)

This is a picture of my four amazingly wonderful kids and I.  We had family pictures done the in December and this one is my favorite.  We had the best time that day, however, when we put on the clown noses, our day got even brighter.  We had the most amazing time laughing with each other.  The noses brought out a happier, funnier, more remarkable side of each of us.  No matter what kind of mood I am in, this picture makes me smile.  I have it framed at work and at home in a couple of places.  I even have a copy of it on my phone.   When I look at this picture it brings me back to that day and I see complete joy and happiness.  I see a family that is eating disorder free. J 

Today, I have really been looking at how blessed I am.  I am truly thankful everyday for the awesome people in my life, but the Lord gave me four beautiful children.  Each one of them are unique and clever and just wonderful in their own special way.  Each one of them know the buttons to push and an each one of them know me better then I know myself.  My little one will always warm me up a sausage biscuit in the morning when he is warming his up.  I do not want one every morning, but without fail he does it and brings it to me.  Some mornings I feel like he knows I need to eat. The other two boys are so great to tell me that I do not need to be on a diet or workout.  They are so sweet to me.  Then, there is Clowey.  I am already so worried that I will pass on my bad ED habits to her.  She is just like me and yet I want her to be nothing like me.  I want my kids to have confidence in who they are.  To be leaders and not followers and to have strength in their faith to know that even when they feel like they are walking alone they are truly walking with Him.  I want my cycle of eating disordered living to end with me.    These kids are my heart ~ these kids are the reason I breathe every day.  They deserve a life free of it.

Sometimes you need a little silly in your life.  No matter what is going on, what you are feeling, what your mind is telling you – put on your clown noses and laugh.  Wear the noses with pride and let yourself for a few moments be happy.

We all look better with clown noses and smiles on :)

Exercise ~ Eat ~ Ignore

I am printing this out and posting it where I can see it every day. 

Exercise to be fit, not skinny ~~~~ I know that I lose sight of this.  I want to work out to be skinny.  I love to workout.  I want to work out all the time.  I would go to the gym everyday if I could.  The whole time I am there I am thinking about the amount of calories I am burning.  I am making sure that I burn more than I consumed.  I even get excited when I can burn more calories than I consumed in two days.  I need to start working on being fit.  I need to try to think of it as staying healthy.  I need to focus on toning and not losing. 

Eat to nourish your body ~~~~This one is really hard!  I know in my mind that I need eat to nourish myself.  I must eat to keep going.  I have a super busy schedule and I feel horrible when my body is dragging because I have not given it enough.  On the flip side of that however, is I feel just as horrible when I eat.  I feel guilty, I feel like a failure.  I feel hate towards myself for giving into food.  Maybe, if I can look at it as fuel for my body - I will be ok.  Eat enough to be full but not guilty about it. 

AND ALWAYS ....

Ignore the haters, doubters, unhealthy examples that were once feeding me ~~~~ I love this line!!  Ignore the haters.  This made me think of a quote my friend Jennifer sent me .... " Don’t worry about what people say behind your back, they are the people who are finding faults in your life instead of fixing the faults in their own life."  Ignore the doubters.  The people who say, "You will never beat this."  I will ..  it just takes time and courage.  Ignore the unhealthy examples that are feeding my eating disorder.  WOW .... This one is big for me.  I look at all kinds of people and wonder if I am skinny, if I am sexy.  I need to let that go.  I need accept my body for what it is.  I need to have faith that I am at the place I am suppose to be.  My body is what it is.  As long as I take care of  it .... it will be ok. 

I AM WORTH MORE THAN I REALIZE :)

Beautiful in the Dark

I saw this yesterday and it has been stuck on my mind.  What does beautiful look like in the dark?  Of course I shut myself in the bathroom and in the complete darkness I looked at myself and for a moment or two in the deep black, silent space my eating disorder was silenced and I was beautiful.  In the dark, I could not find my flaws, my tummy roll, my stretch marks, the dark circles under my eyes.  In the dark, I felt like I was normal.  More importantly I felt eating disorder free.  Than the light had to be turned on and reality along with the eating disorder thinking came back and there were all my physical flaws back.  :( 

What if, we could live in the dark and all that people knew was words that were spoken - or what they felt in their hearts.  What if our physical traits were only judged based on what we could feel with our hands.  The world would be a better place to live, if we all lived in the dark.  There would be less hate and less judgment.  People would stop “seeing” people. Everyone would be their own kind of beautiful.  Eating disordered people could have a break ~ a life of just living.  We could enjoy and embrace our bodies.  For me, I would have anything to compare my body too.  If I lived in the dark, my beautiful would be easy to feel. 

However, the reality is we live with the light on.  We live in a world of runway models and diet commercials.  We live in a world that is so bright; most people judge others first by their appearance and never give them a chance to show how great their heart is.  Not only do I have every light on but I also have night lights for the dark.  I am so worried about my weight – I am consumed by it most days.  I count calories, I restrict, I hide the truth about meals.  My eating disorder has a spot light shinning on all the things I see wrong about my physical self. 

A dear friend posted this bible verse this morning and I love it. 

‎"For the Lord does not see as a man sees; for a man looks at the outward appearance, but the Lord looks at the heart. "  ~~1Samuel 16:7b

I need to remember this – for myself – I need to turn the lights off more often –

WARNING:

I need this for my mirror at home.  I need it so I can look at it every day and remind myself that I am who I am, I weigh what I weigh and I am not going to able to keep abusing my body to be something that "TV" says is beautiful. 

I will say, those things are easy to say, however it is hard to wrap my mind around the idea of being "ok" with how I am right now.  Right now, every channel is running weight loss center commercials.  I understand they are running because a lot of people make it their new year’s resolution to lose weight, however, on the flip side for me, I am so tired of seeing them and just a little bit I feed into them.  I have even looked up one on the internet and the meals that they provide are more calories than I would even think about.  I know it is crazy, but "ED" can make you think crazy thoughts.  I know.... I look in the mirror and pick out EVERY flaw that I have.  I see things wrong with me that no one else sees.  I keep telling myself, I need to lose five more pounds and I will be happy with where I am at.  How will I ever know when I lose the five pounds if I am scared to get on the scale?  I cannot judge if i have lost weight or not so when I look in the mirror, I just keeping thinking.... lose more weight ... lose more weight ... lose more weight.  I am not losing, I feel like I am not losing at all, but I don’t feel like I am gaining.  I am just in this spot of "body image hell". 

I am a huge believer in everyday is new day.  This is true.  The thoughts that I am struggling with today, hopefully will be gone in the morning and I will be able to put clothes on and feel good about myself. 

Tomorrow I will remember ~ reflections in the mirror may be distorted ~