Wednesday, June 13, 2012

NOT The Same Battle ... Every Day

WOW … time has flown …. It has been a little over a month since I have last published a post.  I have written a little but kept them all to myself.  Needless to say I have a bunch to say. 

Here goes …..

Every day I fight the same battle …… Am I beautiful enough?
Not anymore!!!

When I saw this picture, my heart skipped a beat.  It brought back many, many memories.  This girl in the picture was me at one time.  For me, however it was about: am I beautiful enough, am I skinny enough, and am I enough period?  I was so busy comparing myself to the world that I got lost and forgot what was important. One good thing about being lost is when you find your way home, you appreciate it more. 

 I am no longer the person in the picture …. This is why …

I have had some pretty remarkable discoveries the past month.  I have experienced the true feeling of recovery.  I have experienced a feeling of peace and comfort in a place I was not sure existed in real life.  I have found fun and laughter and silliness.  I have found joy in making my own rules.  I have found a “safe haven” in a new long distant group of two. I learned that a sister’s love and bond can never be broken.  I have been shown over and over again that TRUE friendships are beautiful and a mother’s love is the purest and most unconditional love here on earth.  

 My true feeling of recovery came when I realized I am who I am the size that I am.  I still want to go to the gym a great deal of time and I still watch what I eat, but I am “OK” with where I am at.  I feel great in my skin.  I still skip meals, but it is not because I am fearful of food it is that I am just not hungry.  When I get hungry I eat and I stop when I am full.    I am not going to lie … I have had a few rocks on my path that I have stumbled on.  I have had a few moments and I know there are a few things that I need to be doing.  I need to get back to group – I need to make a more conscience effort to be sure I eat every day.  However, in my heart I know this is what my recovery is truly like.  There was a question … How would you describe living with an eating disorder in one word?”  My answer was “Courageous”.  I feel like LIVING with an eating disorder is extremely courageous.  People with eating disorders have to get up every day and function and LIVE with this disease.  We have to hide it or live with the alternative of every person we know watching what we eat and wondering and asking how we are doing.  We wake up with an eating disorder, we make it through the day with an eating disorder, we go to bed with an eating disorder and then we start the same cycle over the next day.  That is courageous. I am not recovered but I am in recovery and that is courageous. 

My courage is strong because people believe in me.  Thank goodness for the people in my life, I could never imagine what recovery could be if it were not for a few people ---

 Juli -- I can send a text and this is what I get back …

Chevie …. Snap out of it.  You have been doing so good, don’t let duckers get you down.  You are better than that.  You are going to have to eat a little more.  You need to get back into group.  They are needing you just as much as you are needing them.  They need to see with their own eyes that recovery is REAL.  Believe it or not you are doing amazing and you need them to help your recovery get even better.”

Jennifer -- when I get random Facebook posts like this one ……..

 In my case, with my girls … they are true angels in my life.  On more than one occasion they have lifted me when my wings were broken.  They held me up until I was able to hold myself up.    I am truly blessed with amazing friendships!!  Friendships that have been unbendable and will always be unbreakable. 

Natalie -- the other half of my AWESOME two person group.  It has been wonderful to have someone to confide in and when she says, “I know how that feels.”  She honestly and truly does in the most literal way.   To have a connection with someone that suffers with the same demons as you do is comforting.  I am not the only one … We both need each other.  This disorder has brought an amazing person into my live from hundreds of miles away. 

Mom -- Who loves …  ALWAYS!!!  I have learned how to love from her.  She is the greatest example of love there is. 

I have also learned  two breath taking lessons ….

(1)    You must love yourself and what you are, how you are in order to love or be loved.  When your mind is clouded with insanity of weight and self-worth, you can’t see what is in front of you.  You can’t allow anyone to JUST love you.  I can see crystal clear now …. I want a MOST, MOST, SPECIAL, SPECIAL, ALWAYS, ALWAYS, ROUND, ROUND, PERFECT, PERFECT, JUST, JUST kind of love. 

(2)    No matter what happens in the past, to be able to laugh with your sister is FABNIFICENT. 

Amber ~ I am proud to be your sister.  We are not required to always understand each other or to like everything about each other.  However, we have proven that our bond is special and unique.  We are the only ones that share this and that makes us pretty lucky. 

Everyday my faith is stronger.  AMEN!!!  Every day I will be thankful for the lessons I have learned and the  people in my life that have held my hand, dried my tears, held the umbrella in the rain, sat with me on the floor and brought me to this place that I am ….. RECOVERY