I heard two songs about two weeks ago, and some of the lyrics just grabbed me. “I wish I could feed your dreams and starve your fears.” I have had these words stuck in my head.
As a person who is living with an eating disorder I sometimes feel like I am “feeding” my fears by physically starving and by doing that I am “starving” my dreams.
This is so true …
Like most little girls, you grow up with dreams of what your life will be. Marrying prince charming, looking like Barbie, having kids in this perfect house in the most amazing neighborhood. As you grow, so do your dreams. You still have your dreams of marriage and family, along with college and career. However, somewhere along the way, you find yourself in the middle of “REAL” life and most of the time it is not at all what you imagined it would be.
I look back and I can remember times where I was so caught up in trying to be “Barbie” that being happy was not an option in my life. Not only my happiness but the happiness of the people around me. I worried so much about starving that I could not see any of the really great things in my life. As I look back I have discovered that I am extremely blessed, I had amazing people in my life that never gave up on me. A mother, who is the definition of kindness and love, friends … to say that they are incredible does not do them justice; kids that are amazing. What more could I possibly want? I wanted to be skinny … I wanted to have this “perfect” body image … an image that I would never be able to see in myself.
“Incredible change happens in your life when you decide to take control of what you do have power over instead of craving control over what you don't.”
― Steve Maraboli
― Steve Maraboli
Finally, I feel like is can “starve” my fears. I can “starve” my doubts. I am learning how to recognize the triggers. I am getting better at understanding why and how I think. More importantly I am starting to be comfortable with telling myself things (weight, appearance, etc.) are OK. With help from people, who have no idea the little things they do are the most helpful, I am finding I can enjoy life and have fun. Fun and enjoyment no matter what I am wearing, what the environment, or who will be there. I can “feed” my dreams.
The other song is, On My Way to Wonderful. I am on my way to wonderful. I have learned that things in the mirror are not always what they appear to be. J The number on the scale does not define me. J I have ALL the right people in my life. J Life is good right now … however; I am not naive enough to believe that every day from this point forward will be “eating disordered free”. Even though I may have set backs every once in a while, I will remember what Thomas Edison said,”I haven’t failed. I’ve just found 10,000 ways that won’t work.”
<3 <3 always always