Wednesday, November 30, 2011

Beauty in the Ugliest Days

I received this as part of an email this morning:

"As we let our light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence actually liberates others." - Marianne Williamson

Those of you who have recovered or continue to recover from ED, give hope to those who have not yet been able to take those first steps. Thank you for your bravery.

Friday will be a month since I started this blog.  This has been an eye opening journey.  I have shared some of my ugliest days on this blog.  I have put my heart on the line in this blog.  I have also rejoiced in my happy days and been thankful for my many blessings.  I have found a voice I did not realize I had.  I had courage to say things that I thought I would never say.  I was able to talk openly about something that consumes a huge part of my life.  As I was looking back on some of my posts I realized a lot.

I have four wonderful children and I am a great mom to them.  I can look in their eyes and see the love they have for me.  I am so proud of them.  They are smart and funny, respectful and sweet and each one of them  very unique.   Everyday they make my life exciting and challenging.  They make my days colorful and special.  I promise them that I will love and support them until the end of my time here. 

I love passionately.  When I love someone I love them with all of my heart.  It is very hard for me to just love halfway.  I have failed at a few relationships and I have made mistakes in relationships, but I have loved.  I believe in love.  I know that it exists. I know because I am being shown that love can be wonderful and great and sweepy.  I promise to love today, tomorrow, the next day and next day after that until all the days are gone. 

I have two of the greatest friends a person could ever ask for.  Juli and Jennifer have taught me how to be a better friend.  They also taught me that you do not have to be connected by blood to be family.  We are connected by our hearts and that makes them part of my family.  They showed me in my darkest times that true friendships are the light at the end of the tunnel.  One of them said, "She is a great friend to me and until she is not I will be a great friend to her."  The other one said, "I love you no matter what!" My promise is this .... I will ALWAYS be a great friend and I will love them no matter what. 

I have hands down the most incredible mother.  I can not even find the words to describe how much I love her.  I am far from perfect and I have made many mistakes, but she loves me anyway.  There is not a single day that I do not talk to her.  It is important to me that I stay close to her.  For as long as I can remember she has been not only my mother but my friend.  Not to mention she is an amazing Granny :)  My promise to my mom is this .....hope.  She has been every step with me and when I am hurting so is she. I promise to never give up. 

As I look back at all the things in my life right now that are right, I realize that I am making the steps I need towards recovery.  I know that it will not be overnight and I will have bad days, however like I believe in love I believe in recovery. 

It is up to me to find beauty in the ugliest days.  To find MY beauty everyday, and my beauty today was the moment that my sister and I could be in the same room and not hate each other.  To see my mother have a conversation with the both of us.  Our relationship has many many ugly days and will have many many more, but today for a small, tiny moment there was beauty. 

I promise myself to be brave and let my light shine :)

Monday, November 28, 2011

Before Anorexia and Implants

This picture was on someones facebook page today.  Actually it was on a lot of peoples facebook page today.  Things have a way of exploding on facebook.  When I first saw it, I sat there and just stared at the computer screen for what seemed like 20 minutes.  The thoughts in my head where all over the place.  I am sure the person who started this did not mean it in anyway to be harmful or hurtful to anyone.  It was intended to be "funny" or a part of the "embrace your curves" campaign, which I think the concept is wonderful.  However, hurt, anger, anxiety, were are few of my emotions that I felt while my eyes re-read and re-read and re-read the words on this picture. 


So right off the bat, ANOREXIA.  I blog about it everyday, I live with it everyday, I am anorexic, but it completely offended me when I saw the word in print.  In print in this context.  I interpreted this as I can not be sexy.  My body will not be sexy as long as I am anorexic.  I had to take in a deep breath and exhale slowly and refocus.  This was not in any form or fashion sent directly to me. 

Second, IMPLANTS.  People who know me, know that I am not happy with my body and I would love to have implants.  The reality is, I have a "body image issue" and never will I be a candidate for implants.  I am so self conscience about my chest size and the reality in that is, my cup size does not define the size of my heart, but I cant help but think, will implants make me sexier?  

Then I went into this anger mode and I started nit picking everything about this picture.  Her thighs are touching, her arms are huge, her swim suit is hideous, the style of swimsuit is obviously chosen to cover her tummy.  I even found myself thinking the "f" word, which I NEVER use to describe anyone because that word has such an emotional attachment to me.  Then I took another deep breath and exhaled slowly and thought to myself, who in the world am I to judge Marilyn Monroe?  She is a huge sex icon and here I am anorexic with no implants picking out every flaw that I think I see.   The real question is, was I finding all the my flaws in her? I said and picked out everything that I hate about myself. 

Someone told me today that it is not just her body that made her sexy, but her attitude and the way she carried herself was sexy.  I understand that ... I get that that "sexy" does not have to be about appearance.  On the flip side of that, look at all the Victoria Secret models today.  How many of those women are "curvy", and they are the poster people who sell sexy.  Here is where the anxiety sits in, where do I fit?  Can I really be sexy in pjs reading on the couch?  Why do I feel I need to take three hours to get ready to go out on a date?  (and I still worry)  How do I embrace what I have?  How do I find confidence that I can be sexy? After I am not anorexic anymore will I be sexy?  But what if I am never not this way?  Will I go my whole life being un - sexy?     

I keep telling myself, this picture and these words where not directed to me and I will continue to tell myself until I fall asleep.  Tomorrow is a new day, with new words and new pictures. New feelings and new hopes.  I know that I have tons of work that needs to be done before I can say I am recovered.  One of my hopes is that recovery brings "MY" sexy (what ever it may be) out and that I embrace it. 

Sunday, November 27, 2011

Today Is Better Than Yesterday :)

Yes, Yes, Yes ...... Today was much better than yesterday. :)

I woke up today to an email that made me so happy.  I am now, along with my blog being followed by an eating disorder group.  A page that sends out hope and encouragement.  I later received a message from then thanking me for tweeting.  To a lot of people this is not important, but to me, it is an honor. 

I am lucky ... lucky to have my mom and my circle of people who always care.  At any moment they have great things to say to me, and it seems like it always comes at just the right time, right when I need it most.  The past few days more and more people are reaching out,  offering encouragement.  I was even called fearless.  Wow ... that is one word that I never thought would describe me.  This blog started out as a requirement of therapy,  a new "tool" to recovery and through it I have found my voice.  A way to get out all the things that I am feeling and thinking without fear of judgement.  The only rule is that there are no rules. Hold back nothing and never regret.  Share what I feel and not what everyone else might want to hear.  I  know that I have wrote about issues that have been hurtful for the people that are closest to me. I have wrote out of anger, I have wrote out of hurt, I have wrote out of fear.  Today, I write from a place of happiness.    

I know that I am not the only person in the world who struggles with this.  I know that I am not the only person who wants recovery.   Recovery seems unreachable right this moment, however I wonder what it will be like.  Will I be able to eat a meal and not worry about calories.  Will I be able to walk by a mirror and not be disgusted at what I see.  Will I be able to go a single day and not think about my weight?  I hope recovery makes the answer to those questions "YES". 

This blog did start out as a requirement, but tonight I write because I have this warm place in my heart and I know that I am not alone.  I know that there are people who love me and need to know what I am feeling to help me make it to the next day. There are people who are kind hearted and have reached out to me and are cheering me on.  I will continue to blog to record my days of struggle, so that I can later look back when I am in recovery, to remind myself where I have been. I will be open and honest because what if someone else who is struggling needs that? What if they read this and they too feel like they are not alone?  I will write, so my kids will have a parent that is committed and passionate.  A parent they can be proud of.   The road to recovery is hard and long.  The road to MY recovery will be long and hard for not only me but the people who love me the most.  There will be many many more rough and challenging days ahead, but today was better than yesterday and I am thankful for that. 


Saturday, November 26, 2011


I am struggling ..... I have been for two days.

I have been on a roller coaster of emotions the past few days.   Emotions that seem to be overly strong.  

Everyone loves Thanksgiving.  The holiday that is more known for eating food then anything else.  Mounds and mounds of food.  More food then most families can eat.  Our family had turkey and ham, dressing, potatoes, corn , green beans, rolls, red beans, deviled eggs, yams, cranberry sauce, gravyy and too many desserts to list.  Thanksgiving is the holiday where people go back for food two, three, four times and literally eat until they hurt, and yet everyone is happy.  However, for me, I only eat two things, dressing and cranberry sauce and I feel like I have gained 20 pounds.  I feel guilty because I enjoyed it.  It entered my mind to purge, but I did not and now I feel like a failure.  I enjoy being with my family during the holidays, it is after that it is clouded with thoughts of regret. 

The day after is a huge struggle!!!  I have all the feelings of failure and  I feel like a cow.   All I want to do is nothing, but I cant do that, I know  for sure  I do not want any food.  None at all.  However, that is not what happened at all.  "Lets go eat at Chili's."  Really?  I eat ... and then I purge.  The entire time I was eating I was thinking about getting rid of it.  This is a struggle.  It is a struggle because I should be able to enjoy a meal with people I really care about and it is a struggle because he now knows the signs and he hates it.  His reaction yesterday was .... anger.  "Why eat if you are going to throw it up?  It is a waste." "You are on a downward spiral."  "Lets go pick out caskets because that is where you are headed."  He has tried being nice, he has tried going with the flow and now he is at the stage of being angry and sarcastic about it. I tried to explain that sometimes I just need to be held and he cant.  He cant because he thinks I will take that as him accepting what I am doing and he cant accept it.  My heart knows that he means well and that he is hurting. I am hurting him.   The look my mom gave me yesterday morning was a look of hurt.  I am hurting her.  I feel like I am at a fork in a road and I have not idea which way to go.  To the right, where my family and friends want me, the path to recovery, or to the left, where my mind is, to a place I will be ok with my weight and my body.  I am torn.   

I had a small "wet noodle" moment last night and called my friend crying.  I say, "I am really struggling today." and she said, "I just had this feeling that you were."  Nothing more past that point in our conversation was more important.  I knew at that moment, she understood and cared.  That she would not be judgemental and that nothing but compassion would come accross the phone.  At that moment she was exactly what I needed. 

Maybe, I am on a downward spiral.  I have not been to group I two weeks.  I have not blogged in two days.  I am consumed with what I put in my body.  I am obsessed with my weight.  This is the thing, I have not weighed because I feel like a cow and I am terrified of what the number will be.  Just the thought of it makes me sick to my stomach.  Which is so ironic.  How can I be bother by something that I have no idea what it is? 

Today is not Thanksgiving, today is not yesterday, today is today and it is a new day.  I will try harder today.  I will try because I owe it to my mom.  I owe it to my friends who listen to me always.  I owe it to my kids.  I owe it to him. 

Wednesday, November 23, 2011

Thankful EVERYDAY!!!

If I woke up today with only the things that I thanked God for yesterday, I would be complete. 

I do this thing each day.  I write on one side of a note card: ”Today I am thankful for ...." and list things that I feel like I am thankful for.  On the other side I write a verse and a little prayer.  I have been doing this for a little while now.  It makes me feel good.  On one side, it reminds me that I have a lot to be thankful for and on the other side it helps me find courage and strength for my struggles. 

Here we are close to Thanksgiving and everyone feels the need to be thankful all of a sudden.  We should be thankful, but shouldn’t we be thankful everyday, not just the 30 days in November.  Or better than that.... look at the people who start out strong and then just stop.  Have they run out of things to the thankful for?   Surely not.. life happens and they forget to post. They have intentions and then get busy and can’t find the time.  You have people posting things about who they are thankful for and when you leave someone out or if you say someone before someone else then you have hurt feelings.  I have had my feelings hurt based on peoples posts.  I think people get caught up in the "game" of it and forget that being thankful is so much more. 

I am not perfect, I have made mistakes, I have struggles, because of that I have discovered that I have many many things to be thankful for.  If this was true, if I only had what I was thankful for yesterday, I would have, my mom. I would have my job.  I would have Juli, Jennifer, Amy, Connie, and Holly and their perfect friendships.  I would have Cloweys sweet smile in the mornings, Keaton's laugh, Bailey's heart and Kennedy (just the way he is).   Most of all I would have my Lord, because I am thankful for his many blessings and his unfailing love for me.  The funny thing is my list changes very little.  There may be different reasons why I am thankful for each person.  There may  be a different person on there just based on that day, but for the most part it stays the same.  That list is my support system, the reasons that I make it every day.  The reasons I work on recovery.  Therefore, I will be thankful EVERYDAY! 

I am not perfect, I have made mistakes, I have struggles, because of that I have the other side of the note card.  The side where I say a prayer.  A prayer for help. I refuse to pray for someone to change.  They have to change for themselves, but I can pray that He gives me knowledge and strength to change myself, to change how I handle the situation.  I pray every day God gives me patience with Kennedy.  He is 90 miles an hour all the time, he is made that way, no matter how much I pray, he is going to be that way, so I pray for me.  When things with Kevin are difficult, I pray that God gives me the ability to see the bigger picture and not to fight over petty, small stuff.  When I cannot understand why people are rude and hateful and mean, I pray that God gives me the strength to overcome the hatred and the  peace to not retaliate back.  What good will it do to be mean back, to say hurtful stuff back.  I cannot change the fact that most people want to be in the middle of everyone’s business, they feel like they have the right, so I pray that He gives me the heart to just be ok with what people think and every chance I get, not to judge based on others words, to make my own opinion and to give people the benefit of the doubt.  Who people once where and the places they have been, is not who they are today and where they are now.  People forget ...  they are so quick to remind you and others of your past and not remember that they too are not in the same place or the same person they once were.  I am thankful EVERYDAY that I am in a different place and I pray God reminds me of that before I am quick to pass judgment or words about others on.  It is my not my place to nor is it anyone else’s place. 

I am at this place in my life where I am not happy with every single thing in my life, but yet I am completely happy with life.  I am not happy with my weight, but yet I have hope for recovery.  I am not happy with my relationship with my sister, but yet I still love her.  I am not happy with Bailey’s health, but yet I am thankful that it is not worse. I am not happy with my past, but yet it has made me who I am today.   I am not happy that my mom hurts, but yet she is awesome everyday regardless. 

I was thankful yesterday, I am thankful today and I will be thankful tomorrow because I learned from my yesterday, happy with my today and hopeful for my tomorrow. 

Monday, November 21, 2011

My Unique War

My Unique War

My heart skipped a beat when I read this.  "Everybody is fighting their own unique war!"  Wow! This is so true.  Each person has their own demons and their own issues and their own way of dealing with them. 

I am guilty of this ...  not recognizing people have struggles that are not noticeable on the surface.  I am also a victim of this. People assume that I do not have weight issues because of my size.  I have learned the hard way that you do not have to be over weight to have a weight issue.  I struggle everyday with weight issues.  I struggle everyday with simple food choices.  I struggle everyday self worth.  I struggle everyday and yet 90% of the people in my life have no idea.  It is not that they do not care, it is that I refuse to let everyone know. There was a point in my life when I would have rather had people think I was on drugs then to know the real reason I was so skinny.  I was ashamed that I am anorexic. I could not tell people that I starve myself.  Those are harsh statements, but yet it is my reality.  Before this blog, very very few people knew anything about me and this.  I share now, openly and honestly as part of my journey to find recovery.  This still controls a huge part of my life, but I can not hide it.  It is PART of who I am.  It does not define me but it is part of the definition of my life.

All people are different. What I like ~ others may not.  What is right for me ~ may be wrong for others.  What makes me happy ~  may not be happiness for everyone.  What is easy for me ~ may be really hard for a few.  Food is scary for me ~ but yet is a passion for many. 

I will wake up tomorrow with an eating disorder still, but I hope that I can remember that I hide  my struggles and so does EVERY other person.  My prayer tonight is that more people recognize this too.  That more people become compassionate about others feelings.  That more people learn to put others first.  That does not mean make other people struggles your business ... but to just be kinder, because what they have going on could be worse then what you have going on.  I know that I have not always done this ... I know that I am guilty if not thinking about others first.  I am so sorry for that.  It is easy to get caught up in your own life and your own drama and to think that nothing else matters. However, the bigger picture is more then just me.  So I promise, to work harder.  Harder .... to put others first and harder to find my recovery. 

Sunday, November 20, 2011

Start a Revolution

Start a Revolution .... Stop hating your body!

REVOLUTION: a "turn around" or a fundamental change in power that takes place in a relatively short period of time. 

I had a FABULOUS weekend!!!  I went  to see Randy Rogers on Friday night and I had the best time!!  I was so worried that day about the night.  I was worried about what to wear, if I was skinny, if I was good enough, if I was what was wanted.  At the end of the day, I did exactly what I said I would do.   I walked in there and completely had a great time and looked amazing.  Saturday, I played in a softball tournament with some of my favorite people.  Kristen, my step - sister, who is awesome.  I love playing with her!!  She totally makes me laugh.  It just makes my heart smile to spend time with her.  Jennifer, who what more can I say about her, she is wonderful. James ... :):):).  Jeremy, Van, Kelly, Lacey, who I have had a great time on their team this past year.  Ivan, Preston, and Chris, which they were great to come help us out and my dear friend Amberly , who I just plain LOVE!!! I laughed and danced and had a great time.  :)

However, in the midst of all that is going on, I made poor decisions when it came to food.  I had four energy drinks before 5:00 pm and made the conscious choice to throw up what little lunch I did eat. My heart started to race and my chest and got tight and I was worried.  I was lucky to have people around me that love me and care for me.  Because of what I decided to do, I caused pain and disappoint in the people that I love and adore the most.  I hate this .... Why cant I see myself as they see me?  This is my thing ... I believe when I am told that I am enough .. I believe because I see the complete honesty and sincerity in their eyes, but I second guess myself.  I know that they love me and I feel almost like they "have" to say it.  The "non- eating disorder chevie" knows that, they don't have to say nice things to me, but the "eating disorder chevie" seems to ALWAYS win. 

Right now; in my life; I have people in  my life that are fantastic!  Friends that are there always, parents that are wonderful, kids that make me smile, so why cant I have my own "revolution"?  Why can't stop hating my body? 

I will be ok ... I will be because I have people around me that will not let me be anything but ok.  For that I am thankful. :)   NO war was ever won in one day, so I will keep this in mind and "my revolution" will come and "my army" will receive metals for all they have done!

Friday, November 18, 2011

as honest as I can be ... today

Here I go .... anxiety is setting in.  In the rarest form.  Let  me pull out the big chief tablet and my purple crayon and draw the picture.  Crowed bar .. my ex, his ex, the people we are with exes.  My head is spinning in a thousand directions.  At this point I would really like to just lock myself in a closet and come out tomorrow when it is a new day.

I HATE this feeling.  I know this is the eating disorder at its best.  "It" keeps my head always thinking, I am not enough.  I am not skinner.  I am not prettier.  I am not deserving.  "It" makes me change clothes ten times in the morning before I get frustrated with myself and just say screw it and walk out the door.  "It" will make me change clothes 25 times before we go out tonight.  I will still be panicked about it.  Will I look ok?    Will it be good enough? Will I look skinny?

This disease is horrible in every way.  "It" messes with your head in such a way that for me, I can stop eating when I feel the need to.  Yes, I lose weight, but look what it costs me.  My hair is falling out ....again.  Every time I run my fingers through it, it just falls out.  The irony is, I am so worried about what I look like and yet what I am doing is making my hair fall out .... how ugly am I going to look without hair?  But yet, I would rather be skinny.  I worry about being sexy, however I know in my head that skin over bones is not sexy ....  I am getting close to that.   But yet, I would rather be skinny.  This feeling is like being a hamster in a wheel, I just keep running and running and running and I have no idea how to jump off. 

One day at a time, is what I am told.  Take one day at a time.  Do what you can today and then do what you can tomorrow, tomorrow.  So, this is my plan for today .... not eat a single thing, throw up what I have drank before I get dressed, put on my dress and boots, show up and completely own the place, have a great time, and then go home, cry in the shower and wake up tomorrow with a new plan.  This may not be the best plan, but it is mine.  It is what I can do today to make me feel better. 

I know this will hurt people and I am sorry.  Sometimes being honest about this is hurtful,  not just for me but for the people who care about me.  This disease changes their life too.   I know there will be people call and try to talk to me about this, but there are no words that can change my mind today.  I promise this … tomorrow will be a new day and I will have a new plan. 

Thursday, November 17, 2011

Love has been on my mind for a little while.  The definition of  LOVE is (1) a profoundly tender, passionate affection for another person. (2) a feeling of warm personal attachment or deep affection, as for a parent, child, or friend. (3) sexual passion or desire. (4) a person toward whom love is felt; beloved person; sweetheart. I understand the words of the definition, but what it does not cover is the feelings.  The feelings of joy, excitement, pain, and heartache.  What the definition does not give you is an instruction manual.  A guide from your heart to whoever else's heart.  At this point I would settle for a tight rope with no safety net from my heart to a few other hearts.  At least then I would know for sure that we are connected. 

I guess based on past relationships, not just romantic relationships ... relationships in general (lovers, friends, family), my question is .. is LOVE enough?  Is it enough to over look all the hurtful things, to get by all the jealousy, to move forward from past relationships, to believe again in the people, to close your ears to the outside world, to shut your eyes and just allow yourself to fall.  Is LOVE enough to allow you to do all those things and still have faith that you are making the right decision? My fear is .... pain and rejection.  There is a quote, "Your heart will be broken, you just have to decide if the person breaking it is worth it." For me, every person is worth it, but that does not ease the blow.  It does not hold me at night when I am crying and it will not hold my hand when I need a friend. 

I saw this picture and it made me think .....

I thought that I wanted a "love story", a "happy ever after" but really I want something true and real.  If I can have something true and real along with my "love story" then that would be great.  But more importantly, I want relationships with people that work for us.  Rules that we make up.  Rules that may not be ok with everyone but are great for us.  I think most relationships already have that, people do their own thing but yet when you do something that is not ok with them, they judge.  They judge you if your friendships are different .... they judge you if your romance is different.  In the end, does it matter what they have as long as I am happy with what I have? It does not matter what their rules are as long as my rules are a fit for me. 

I believe in love.... I believe that I want my love to be multi - colored... just like the picture ~ beautiful ~ no rules ~ I do love with all my soul - with every breath ...  it may not always come across that way, but I do.  You may not be in my life right this moment, but I love you too.  We may be upset with each other, but I love you still. 

"Life is not about finding perfect people, it is about finding the people that are perfect for you."

Make you own rules ~ and dare to live by them :)

Wednesday, November 16, 2011

I guess it is a good thing I like to smile :)

I guess it is a good thing I like to smile :)

This really hit my heart this morning ... because as I think of myself, my smile is the ONLY curve that I want.  I feel like I have fallen off the wagon here lately.  I know that my "curves" are growing.  I know that I am more unhappy with my body. 

Over the weekend I ate two meals each day and then Monday I ate dinner.  I know that my number has gone up and that worries me.  So for everyone else,  this is good, I am on the track to recovery, but to me I am failing.  I am failing at being skinny, I am failing at having control over my eating habits.  Thanksgiving is coming up and there will be food everywhere.  Christmas is right after that and if I can not control what I put in my mouth now, how can I do it then.  Or even worse, I hate that people look  at what I am eating or not eating.  They have something to say, they ask "is that all you are eating?" "Are you still hungry?"  I feel obligated to eat ~ to make people feel ok.  Then afterwards I feel horrible. 

Why .... why cant I let is go?  Why cant I be happy with myself? 
Why are very few people happy with their weight? Everyone around me is on a diet.  Every magazine has articles and ideas on how to lose weight.  Why am I always driven to these articles? Why do I feel the need to diet? 
I cant remember at time where I was happy with what I weighed.  I cant remember a time that I looked at myself in the mirror and was happy with the reflection.  I cant remember a time that I felt good enough .... maybe that's why I smile so much..... so people do not know my horror.  I want to enjoy dessert ... I want to pick sometimes where we go eat at.  I really want to believe him when he tells me I am sexy. 

Until then, I will be thankful that I LOVE to smile. :)

Monday, November 14, 2011

My Fingers

This is exactly how I feel today...  This is just perfect!

Where to start .... lets see... the pointer finger: to pick out my dearest family members :) My mother is my ROCK!! She is supportive and loving.  She always helps when she is needed.  She make me laugh.  She was my very first friend and I will love her to the end.  My step dad Vini, who has never said that I am his "step" daughter.  I am his daughter and he loves me everyday!  My brother Chase, who has a blunt way of saying things, but yet I have never doubted his care for me.  Keaton, Bailey, Clowey, and Kennedy ... my four awesome, wonderful kids.  They are the reason I breath.  They are complete joy in heart.   :)

My little finger .... for my best friends and the promises I will never break.  I can count on one hand my best friends.  I have a group of wonderful girls!! Connie, Amy, Betsy, and Holly, but there are two that make me a better person.... Juli - my soul mate.  Hate and lies brought us together, but truth and love keep us close.  She knows exactly what I am saying when I do not even know what I am saying.  She ALWAYS knows what to say to me... "it will be ok" or "FUCK him Chevie" ... no matter what it may be it is perfect at the time.  I "lobe" her. Jennifer - my light.  She has ALWAYS been so easy to talk to.  She ALWAYS understands and forgives.  Her heart amazes me. Her ability to take control of an situation makes me admire her.  Her courage is comforting to me.  I am lucky to have them in my life. 

My middle finger ... for those bitches who push me too far.... This is a difficult one. Some of the people this finger is for have been my close friends at times, even family members.  Friends that I thought would never be the people they are today.  I know that I contributed to the down fall of our relationship and I know,  I am not perfect but neither are they.  I have decided that there is no longer room in my life for people who are petty and selfish.  People who are hateful and mean.  People who feel the need to put someone down to make themselves look better.  I have learned there are THREE sides to every story (your side, my side and the truth).  This is when you see who is real and true in your life... if they care enough to try to see the truth first, they are worth keeping.  If they only see their side and talk behind your back, then they are garbage and need to be discarded. 

My ring finger .... for that special guy when the time is right.  I have so longed for a special guy at the right time.  I want a love story.  A happy ever after.   A guy who opens the car door.  A guy who loves me when I cry.  A guy who watches me while I sleep and laughs with me when I am completely silly.  A good guy... a guy who tells me I am beautiful and really means it.  I guy to take my breath away ----- to sweep me off my feet.   A guy to have fun with.  A guy to give me a moment everyday, a moment that makes me fall in love with them all over again.  I have learned that you  have to go through heartache to know what happiness really feels like. 

And my thumb ... to show the world that I am going to be ok.  I will be ok. I will be ok because I have love in my pointer finger. I will be ok because I have faith and strength in my pinkie finger.  I will be ok because I have hope and future in my ring finger, and I will be ok in spite of my middle finger. 

Friday, November 11, 2011

Letting Go

Today has been a good day :). I went to group. It is funny, I was so so scared before to go to group therapy, I was so worried about what people would think of me, but the people there are great! For the first time I feel like I am talking to someone that understands what I am thinking, what I am going through. They understand how hard day to day things are. They care without worry and judgement. They are just like me. The relationships that are being made in that group will be forever in my heart. One thing I struggle with is that the people in my life have a hard time understanding what it is like for me. However, I have a hard time understanding them. They have never been on this side of the fence.... The side of wanting to look perfect... The side where it is scary gain one pound... The side where at any moment my mind can be on food and calories. Or the hardest scarest part, is when I want to feel sexy and I can't because I am so worried a out what is going through his mind. Will he notice my belly roll, will he find it as disgusting as I do? But on the other hand I have never been on their side. The side of concern, the side of worry, the side of feeling helpless and not knowing what to do. In my mind I know that I can not move on with my life ... A life of happiness, a life of fun, a life with someone who loves me more then I can imagine if I do not let go of the past and this eat disorder. This has stolen from my life my happiness, my joy, countless hours of my life, my quality of life. I want to refuse to let it take anything more from me. I want to be able to be ok with myself. I want to lay next to someone and not have any fears. I want to be able to eat normally. I want to have my kids look back and have good memories ... To be able to remember a time where their mother was not on a diet. I know I have a long road, I know it will not be easy, but I will overcome. I may not have the answers right now on how to overcome but I will. I will because I believe in love and love IS enough.

So I have not weighed in days ... I have no idea what "the number " is.  I was feeling pretty good about he fact that I have not been on the scale.  I felt empowered by it.  In my mind I thought that I was finally in control and that I did not have to know my number.  Then I noticed something while I was driving down the road ... the ring I wear everyday spins around my finger more then it did earlier this week.  So, I started thinking .... of some of the other signs that I have overlooked, but now are important to me.  Spinning is a sign of weight loss.  That makes me happy and ok with not knowing my number.  That is how this works. As long as I still see signs of skinny I am happy.  I have thought back on my eating habits and they have changed. Without making a big deal out of eating, I am eating in front of people but what I choose to eat is different.  I will eat in front of my mom, what she cooks, but then not eat anything the next day and the day after only eat something really small.  I feel like I am doing my part by eating something and the people around me feel ok because they see me eating.  It is like a win win situation.  :) 

So as I think about the picture ... I remember the time I told my mom something... It was a very low time in my life and I am so sorry that I hurt her so much with my words.  She said, "you are killing yourself" and I said, "at least I will be skinny in my casket."  Wow .... I know it is harsh, but skinny makes me feel validated, makes me feel ok with myself.  Skinny makes me feel pretty and happy.  Honestly, I still feel that way .... "at least I will be skinny in my casket"  It is if part of me wants no one to remember anything but I was skinny. 

Tomorrow is a new day and maybe I will be thin enough tomorrow. 

Thursday, November 10, 2011

The Simple Things are Making Me Happy :)

I am an over thinker.  I cant help it.  I can take something very little and think it to death.  It does nothing but make me worry and cause me stress.  I have major decisions to make with Bailey's health and I am so nervous.  Am I a good enough mother to make such serious decisions?  I do not have a medical degree, so why do they say you need to consider.  I can consider all day long and at the end of the day I am still not going to have an idea of what I should do.  Why cant they just say this is what we need to do and go with it? I really hate the drive home from the doctors office.  Bailey is asleep in the back seat and I am crying in the front seat. 

However, today I took the kids to McDonald's and we played for three hours.  We laughed and fought.  We played and cried.   I also forgot that there is something wrong with Bailey and for a little while my mind was completely at ease.  For those three hours I had a normal (as much as he can be) son.  I am completely thankful for tonight.  For the company we had to laugh with.  For the outstanding game of kick ball we played.  TEAM HAPPY ROCKS!!! For the memories that were made!! 

I love my child, I love that he is brave.  I love that he is still innocent and little,but yet smart enough to take care of himself and grown enough to take a responsible role in this whole thing.  I pray for him.  Please Lord, hold him close.  Let him live his life. I pray for me too.  Please Lord, hold my hand and give me the strength to be strong for him.  Give me the knowledge to take him down the right paths.  I know that God has a plan for both Bailey and I.  I believe in that plan.  I may not know what the end will look like but I know when we get there, it will be right where we need to be.  So in the mean time, I will try to enjoy more of the simple small moments more and worry a little less about things that are ultimately not in my hands. 

Wednesday, November 9, 2011

Life is not about waiting for the storm to pass, it is about learning to dance in the rain.

This is my goal.... dance in the rain. 
My relationship with food is like a huge thunderstorm. ~ My relationship with my sister is a hurricane. 

My thunderstorm, at moments seems to only be a sprinkle some days.  I can see the pretty flowers trying to come up.  I have hope and faith that I will do better.  I feel completely horrible that the people that I hold dear and close have to go through this with me. They have to hold me when I cry, give me encouragement, help me get to group, sit with me on the bathroom floor.  They listen to me, they love me.  They are everything that I need.  Even more, then just the eating disorder, they are there for me no matter what.  At the moments of a complete down pour, they hold the umbrella for me because I am not strong enough.  If for no other reason, I need to get out of this circle for them, my kids and my mom.  

My relationship with my sister however is like Hurricane Katrina.  The winds are dangerously strong, the rain beats down hard, the devastation that is left behind is heartbreaking and at times unbearable.  This hurricane has torn friendships and families apart.  This storm has done damage that can not be repaired.  The main storm is over, but the effects of the storm continue everyday.  For me, I miss my sister something fierce,  I received my first coin in EDA and I had to get drunk to share the information with her.  There is not a day goes by that I do not want to call my sister or talk to her.  My heart breaks because my mom and my brother suffer from this.  The people we love feel awkward when we are all together .... they are not sure who to talk to or sit by.  My children suffer because she is their aunt and the love her.  I miss her kids like crazy.  However the lines have been drawn and there have been things said that can never be taken back.  I do not know how she feels.  I have seen and heard things that she has had to say ... things that are hurtful and mean.  Is that a sign that she is hurting too?  That is what I am thinking because to think that she is just cold and heartless is not an option.

To my sister:  I am not perfect.  I have made mistakes.  I live with those everyday.  I am sorry. 

At the end of the day, my life goes on.  I am lucky that I have had the honor to have amazing people teach me how to dance.  More importantly, one of them dance in the rain with me EVERYDAY. 

Tuesday, November 8, 2011

Hello My Name is ....... MOM

For as long as I could remember I have wanted to be a mother.  I love my kids... all four of them.  They are wonderful and amazing in their own way.  They each make me laugh and cry and smile in different ways.  I had no idea that I could love this much.  I love the way they smile in the morning.  I love the way they get excited.  I love the way they like to talk to me.  I love the way we laugh at each other. I love the hugs we share.  I LOVE them!!!

I also had no idea that I could worry this much.  I worry about their health, their happiness, their studies.... I worry about my parenting skills the most.  Am I giving them what they need to become functioning adults?  I am teaching them to be respectful, honest, giving, kind spirited, loving, caring and successful.  My children are still young, but I look back and wonder, have I been so self- consumed with my own life that I have done them a disservice?  Or have I favored one and let the others down?  I have missed things that I will later regret?  Have I forgotten what is important? Have I taught them enough about our Savior? Have I prepared them enough for the world?  Will I ever think that I have done a good job with my children?

As I look at them as they sleep, I can’t help but smile. They have great grades, they each have wonderful personalities, and they each have a passion for life that melts my heart.  When I think about them, I am just overwhelmed with excitement, joy and love.  My kids LOVE me!! They are not perfect and sometimes they argue with each other and sometimes they get underneath my skin and sometimes they get frustrated with me, but at the end of the day I lay them down and kiss them good night and I thank the Lord that they are mine.  He has truly blessed me.  He knew what I needed and placed them with me.  He also knew that I can be a fantastic mom.  He has always had faith in me.  At the end of my life I will know at least one thing, I raised four OUTSTANDING people and I was the best mom I could be.

Monday, November 7, 2011

Today is a good day :)

I love this!!! 
Dream without Fear ~ Love without Limits.

My life has changed so much in 2 months.  I have lost 13 pounds - I have ended a three year relationship - moved back in with my mother - Started going to Eating Disorders Anonymous - Found Happiness!!!!

Yes ... It is incredible... in the moments of what could seem so overwhelming - I have found happiness. I am smiling so much that my face hurts at times.  I have laughed so much that my stomach hurts and I have felt loved for the first time in years.  It is hard to find words worthy enough to explain it. 

I am so the person that doubts that I deserve any goodness in my life.  I completely feel unworthy of my mom, or my friends, my kids or any compliments that come my way.  I am absolutely undeserving of the happiness that I have felt lately.  But, I love my life right now ... I know that things are not perfect and that is ok with me.  I know that I need to eat more and I will, I know that I need to be on my own and I am working on it, I know that I never need to miss group and I will try really hard not to, and I know that there are people out there that do not want me to be happy, but I am anyway.  I have this inner peace and I just refuse to let anything really bother me.  I am not letting my weight get to me like before ... I still hate being the weight that I am, but it could be worse.  I am not going to let negative comments worry me; they are just words in a dictionary.  I refuse to let someone or something steal my thunder right now. 

My kids are happy ~ I am happy! 

So I plan on dreaming without fear and I think I already love without limits.  :)

Sunday, November 6, 2011

Be Fearless

Live boldly.  You control this moment: rather than cautiously test the water, dive straight into life with freeing abandon.  Imagine the person you want to be and the life  you want to live, then commit to them.  Believe in yourself.  Embrace your beauty.  Discover a new passion.  And whatever you do, wherever you go, don't be afraid to make a splash.  

I saw this a few days ago and have been really been thinking about it.  I have decided that this is something that I want to pass on to my daughter.  For her to know that this life can be whatever she wants it to be.   NOTHING can stop her.  Live boldly .... (that is such a bold statement) Do not be scared of what you want to do.  Boldly pick something that may seem unreachable and then reach each it.  Believe in herself ... Have faith. Be happy with her life.  Happy with her choices.  Confident in herself.  That she will be confident in her worth.  Not to settle .... not to allow anyone to take her worth away.   Embrace her beauty .....  I want my daughter to be able to look in the mirror everyday and smile and be happy with what the reflection is.  I want her to be satisfied with her appearance.  I want my daughter to whole heartedly live her life and only spend one second of each day on her appearance and then be confident to walk into the world and completely ROCK it!!! I want her to love life.  To enjoy it.  To find herself and know who she is before she finds her love.  I want her to be all the thing I am not.  I want her to have all the qualities that I do not have.  I want her to live without regrets.  To make true friendships and to be a true friend.  I want her to love the Lord and to love herself. 

So my prayer tonight is that God gives me the tools to be a good enough mother for her.  She is so special and I have a huge responsibility and I am so nervous.  How can I teach her to embrace her beauty when I have yet to learn it? How can I teach her be her, when most of my life I have been worried about what other people want me to be?  I do promise this .. I will embrace her uniqueness and I will encourage her Independence. 

Saturday, November 5, 2011

Hello My Name is ....... Road Trip Driver :)

As I am getting ready this morning to take my son on a four hour road trip to see his favorite college team play football, I began to think of how many memories can be made in a car, on the side of the road and at your destination. 

Road trips have been wonderful and painful.  To just get in the car and go.  To just drive down the road and smile.

I remember my very first road trip and I was in charge of the map ... ha ha ha ....That did not go so well.  I remember the road trip we took five kids on to the Alamo, the Capital, the beach and Sea World.  I can still remember the smiles on their faces and the terror in their eyes when we thought we were going to a museum but it was really a haunted museum.  :)  Everyone was crying .... There were two college girls in our group and they helped carry out kids.   We still laugh about that today. 

I remember the first road trip Bailey and I ever took to Norman.  It was his birthday and we went and watched a basketball game.  We had the best time.  Listened to the radio loud, laughed, and just watched him sleep on the way home.  I always take pictures, but they do show the absolute greatness that it was.  We have since made that trip several times, so much I no longer need a map and Bailey knows the exits.  Each time that same route brings different enjoyment.

I remember the road trip that my sister and I took our mother to see Kid Rock.  We had the best time.   Those are the last happy memories with my sister.  Memories that I will hold on to for the rest of my life.  I never thought the amount of fun I had in that van would be jaded later by the talk of another road trip.  I guess memories effect people in different ways ... for me I will remember that time with my mom and sister as wonderful and amazing and not let today make me feel sorry I made that trip. 

I remember the Zumba road trip to Austin.  Eight girls is a van, four hours of Zumba and a night on the town.  I had a blast ... I danced on a bar ... and I never thought I would do that.  When you are surrounded by great people, fears are thrown out the window. 

I look forward to a planned road trip with my dear friend.... the world better be ready ... two girls in a car driving 17 hours ... here we come... I cant wait to see what we talk about, what we cry about and what laugh about.  Or the road trip coming up to see my favorite band with some of my favorite people.  I cant wait for those memories.   I cant wait to take it all in.  I cant wait for the many many more trips to Norman, because I know there will be some. 

I think every persons life is like a road trip.  You have stops and detours.  You need to fill up and wash your car every now and then.  Some times you have a map and sometimes you just through it out the window.  You see places and people that you will never forget and then there are places that you just can not drive through fast enough.  Regardless of your destination and what you have to go through to get there, each mile is truly and memory.  At the end you are only remembered by the memories you make with people.   I plan to make millions of memories and drive millions of miles with my kids, my mom, and my close circle of friends.  Those people right there make all the detours and road construction bearable!!!!

Friday, November 4, 2011

All that is wrong with me ..... let me count the ways

We almost always see only what's wrong with other people and not what's wrong with us.  - Joyce Meyer

I read this and immediately thought this is so not me .... I never see the bad in people and always in me.  One good thing about having an eating disorder is I never look at someone and see their appearance.  I always see them in a "perfect" light.  I am so consumed with what I look like and if I am fat and worried what they think of me.  What is going through their head as we are talking .... are they thinking I am ugly or fat?  This is a horrible cycle to be in. 

How is it that I can not believe in my heart the things that people are telling me?  People that I trust ... people that are going to be in my life for the rest of my life ... people that I know love me .... why can I not take the words they tell me about my appearance and let them soak in and truly believe them?   This is why?  The eating disorder.... it will not let me .... My heart wants to believe them, but I mind tells me they feel obligated to say nice things because they know all I have been through and they see me struggling everyday and do not want me to have anymore pain. 

The question of the day is, why is apperance so important to me?  It does not define who I am.  It does not make me a better mother.  It does not make me a better friend or daughter.  Being skinny does not make me a better human, it only makes me skinny. 

Thursday, November 3, 2011

Make your own Rainbow ....

Make your own rainbow!!!  I love the idea of that .... I get to pick the colors I want, I get to make it as big as I want, I get to make it as beautiful as I want.    However, that is just it, it is only an idea, the reality is, it MUST rain before you can have a rainbow.  Trying to keep things positive in a not so positive world right now .... Maybe right this moment it is raining in my life, but one day some how, it will stop and I will have my rainbow.  My pink and purple, red and green, blue and orange, teal and magenta... :)  

Magenta for my friends (who no matter what love me!), pink for Clowey, red, green and blue for Keaton, Bailey and Kennedy, orange for my mom, purple for hope and courage, and teal for love (I still believe in love).

Right now I feel like I live in a storm .... grey and black, foggy and cold.....

Black represents the eating disorder, grey for the doubt and insecurities it causes me to have ..... foggy because I want to see through it.  It is like I am almost there and I see the other side, I see my rainbow, but yet cold because I just cant be happy with myself. 

Do I deserve happiness? Do I give enough happiness to people to earn it back in return?

I do deserve it ... I will have it ... and I will have my rainbow ... teal and pink, purple and red, green and blue, magenta and orange all trimmed in silver.  I have no idea when I will have it ... I know it will be a work in progress ... I will have to sharpen one crayon at a time and maybe several times before the rainbow is complete, but I love those colors enough to make it happen ..... one day ........

Wednesday, November 2, 2011

Hello My Name is ......

Hello My Name is ...... I learned how to say that Saturday.  Those words are so small and easy to read, but yet they were the hardest words to say.  The first step is admitting you have a problem right.  People say that is the hardest step too, but is it the hardest? Or is the continuing battle the hardest part?  I am not sure the answer yet.

Here goes .... Hello My name is Chevie and I struggle daily with eating disorders.

Yes, I have anorexia.  Yes, I have bulimia.  Yes, I am so scared.

So... I said it, but that has not cured me.  It will not make me eat more often or not throw up, but at least I have made the first step.  The silver lining is, after the first step comes step two, three, four and hopefully many, many more.  I will see.  

Everyday is a new day and a new struggle, but at least there is a new day.