Wednesday, December 28, 2011

Starting to Fly

How wonderful is that:

                      just when the caterpillar thought the world was over, it became a butterfly.

I am keeping this in mind.... Things seem a little crazy in my world right this moment.  Everything that I thought I had under control is spinning in a tornado right now.  I have reached out to my sister with very little response.  Which, when I think about - it is ok.  I have made it this long without her and I will continue to make it.  We do have separate lives and she is doing her thing and I will continue to do my thing, with my people and be just fine.  I need to let her go and let go of the hope that things will be different with her.  I love my mother and my brother and I tried very hard, more for them than for me and I will be the first to apologize to them.  They deserve better from both of us, however I cannot continue to let the struggle between my love for them and building resentment towards her grow.  I know that I have tried - they know I have tried and I need to let it go.  Fly, fly away from it.

 I have come to a complete epiphany with some of the relationships in my life.  I don’t need them.  I do not need the people that bring me down.  I do a good enough job bringing myself down that I do not need any help from anyone.  I need positive people in my life and that is what I choose to surround myself with.  I do believe with all of my heart that God puts people in your life for a reason and he takes them out for a reason - this is true for family members as well.  I love them all, but I do not have to like them.  I am ok with that because they do not have to like me either.  We are different and in different places.  I will fly, fly away from them.

My eating disorder is in full force right now.  It is causing me to lose sleep and my hair.  It is causing me to feel extra emotional and guarded.  It is in rare form and all I think about is every bite of food I put in my mouth. I want to live a life that is free.  I want the people in my life to not have to worry everyday.  I want to love myself .   I need to fly, fly away from ED.

This is me as a caterpillar, embracing my world, hoping for change, recognising what is important ~

To Chase,
My brother, who I love and adore more than any other man in my life.  Thank you for your unconditional love and support even when I did not deserve it.  Thank you for just being you. I could not imagine my life without you.  You make me laugh and smile and more than anything you love me.  Never change - never bend - always fly free.

To Mom,
I love you so much.  You have always picked me up whenever I have fallen.  You are always there for me to laugh with, cry with and sometime yell at.  I am sorry for that.  I could not have asked for a better mother.  There is not one out there.   Thank you Mom for letting me fly when I needed to.  More importantly thank you for giving me a safe place to land when my wings broke. 

To Amber,
I cannot do anymore them what I have done.  I cannot reach out any more then what I have.  My arms have stretched as much as they can.  I also, cannot keep holding on the hope that we will even be half way to where we were, so I am letting go.  I am letting you off the hook.  I need to for me and for you.  I need to let you go for me so I won’t be disappointed anymore and I am doing it for you, so you will not feel pressure.  Always know I love you and one day, just maybe, our paths will cross again and we will find ourselves at a place of love, a place our family can be happy at, a place we can grow together.  Until then, good luck, have fun, spread your wings and fly.

To Me:
Remember ~ all great things take time ~ breathe ~ relax ~ recover.  There is a future for you.. a future without ED.  You will fly one day - beautiful like a butterfly ~ to my own music.  Gods timing is perfect!

Tuesday, December 27, 2011

I am okay with where I am

be okay with where you are, even if you know you want to change

The holidays are over and the craziness has passed.  Thank goodness.  I really struggled this year.  Maybe it was because I have opened up more and I feel like more people are watching me, or maybe it is because I feel guilty because I know I should be doing better, or maybe it is because I have come to terms with some of the relationships in my life and spending the holidays with people that I have decided that I want more or less of their time,  is hard.  Never the less, I made it through the few days of hell.  Which is sad ...I should not think of Christmas as "the few days of hell".  I love the story of Christmas and church on Sunday was wonderful, however I hate the gatherings and the eating and the fake conversations and this year I really hated the awkwardness.  Do not get me wrong, I love seeing my family and I love being around them, however it does not need to be a special day for me to spend time with the people that I love the most in life. 

I am in a place of confusion and stress.  I over think everything in my life, down to my pants size ... which I am still not moved on from.  Why am I letting my pants size tug on me so much?   It is crazy.

I found two pictures that I connected with today :)

This is so true, however I cannot let it go, something that  I was keeping so personal is now out there and I have a new pair of jeans to try on that I did not purchase myself.  I know.... it is a form of insanity.  The stress and confusion is keeping me up at night.  I cannot remember the last time I had a good night’s sleep.  Being tired makes my mind run faster in different directions.  It is a crazy circle. 

Maybe the best advice I can take is:
be okay with where you are, even if you know you want to change

I know I need to change, I need to embrace change.  Right now I am just standing still.  I am just going to be in the place I am in and later when I am ready to start moving again, I will. 

I am going to work on being okay with where I am, even when everyone around wants me to change. 

Saturday, December 24, 2011

Just Breathe

Note to self:
Just Breathe

Here I am .. We are getting ready to start our Christmas celebration.  I have already experienced a moment of anxiety.  Well, let me be completely honest, I had a small break down last night and at 10:30 called Jennifer and Juli to do nothing but cry uncontrollably over the phone.  Someone bought me clothes.  My heart knows that he meant well.  I have said several times in two weeks that I need to buy pants because the ones I have are getting to big, however, MY pants size is completely MY business.   I do not want anyone knowing the number of my pants, or the size of my panties, the number on the scale.  Those numbers are off limits right now ..I am ok with telling everyone that I am 32  years old and I have four kids.  I am ok letting people know that I have an eating disorder, but weight and sizes, I am not ok with.  There is a part of me that understands in the grand scheme of things what size clothes I wear does not matter, however I am just not ready to let go of that control.  For me, buying clothes is always hard.  All my pants are too big right now, but I have not gone and tried on the next size down jeans.  If I receive the next size down and I try them on and I am too fat for them, I will be devastated.  On the other hand, if the clothes I get are too big, then I will think that I look bigger then what I am.  IT is a no win situation for me.  This is my fear.  Gift cards are so impersonal and I understand that and normally when you hear someone say this is what they need, you try to accommodate that because you care for them and what to make them happy, however, I am far from normal.  This is one of those moments that kind of need to be handled with "kid gloves".  The truth is I am totally nervous to try them on.  No person should be fearful of wonderful clothes, but I am. 

As I get ready to go see people I have not seen in months, be around food that I hate, I am trying to remind myself to just breathe.  Take it in.  I have said before take one day at a time, but when I look at the whole day, of schedules and food and the unknown, the whole day is overwhelming. I am going to take advice that I received in group,  I am going to take this day, one hour at time.  Let me get past this hour of worrying what I am going to wear that will make me look thin.  After I get dressed I will worry about the next hour and when I get past that hour I will move on to the next hour until the day and night is over and I am in bed.  I know that this does not sound like "holiday cheer", but I am just not feeling cheerful. 

Wish me luck, I will put a smile on my face (because that is what I do) and I will knock this day out one hour at a time.  If all else fails, I will have my phone and I know that there are two people that will always answer. 

Thursday, December 22, 2011

Scale Disclaimer :)

This could possibly be one of  the BEST picture anyone has sent me. 

As Christmas gets closer and I am expected to be places, eat, be cheerful and smile, I am stating to get a little anxious.  Things always seem chaotic and out of my control.  I need to be here at this time and here at this time and have the kids there at a certain time.  People except you to eat at each place and more then that you are forced to have conversations that are fake and pointless.  People want to know how you have been and the reality is if they wanted to really know they would not wait until the holidays or a birthday to ask you.  I talk to the people who care and matter every day.  If I do not "friend check" them first or call, they call me or text.  There is no way; they will go weeks or months without calling or texting.  Forgive me if I am not excited about the holidays.  It is overwhelming and stressful.  When I am feeling overwhelmed and stressed out I take it out on my body.  I restrict.. I purge.. I neglect myself.  I am much harder on myself.  ED thinks it can control all the chaos that is around me by making me thinner.  I am already starting to see the effects of the holiday season and I am in this space of just struggle. I am on edge, I am jumping down peoples throat,  I want to weigh so I can see how thin the season can make me, but yet I am terrified to see how big the number might be. 

So here is the disclaimer: 
(1) The number before you will vary each day and multiple times per day.  Try not to go crazy. (but you could!)
         (I understand this ... if you breath wrong the number changes and crazy is an understatement.  The number consumes me and tries to consume my life.  Why can’t I look at it like this .... it is just a number ... and it has no meaning unless I give it power... easier said than done!!!!)
(2) This scale will not tell you the following:
       *What a great person you are.
            (I am a great friend and a great mother.  I should be ok with that.  Nothing more should matter.)
       *How much your family and friends love you.
            (I do have the best friends in the whole world.  They know when to call and check on me and they know what I am thinking and I never have to say anything.  I will forever be grateful that I have them in my life.  More importantly I have my mom ... who has shown over and over again that she loves unconditionally and I would not make one single day without her.)
       *That you can make a stranger melt with your beautiful smile.
            (I love to smile ... it may make someone else melt, but it makes me feel good to smile.  Why not smile? :) )
       *You have the power to choose happiness.
            (I do have the power to choose happiness and I want happiness.  Each day is a new day and I believe in my heart that I do move forward towards happiness ... I may be going at turtle speed but at least it is progress.)

Wednesday, December 21, 2011

In the Pursuit of Happiness

All everyone wants is to be happy.  It seems so easy ~ just be happy ~ however, I think the picture says it all.  The path to happiness is like riding a bike on a tight rope. 

I feel like I am still finding myself.  I am still trying to figure out what makes me happy.  Who makes me happy.  How to be happy.  In general .... I worry so much about making other people happy and doing and saying what they want, that I have forgot who and what I am.  Relationships start out great ... fun, scary (in a good way), no pressure, no worries, HAPPY ... after awhile you get stuck in this everyday routine of life .. the things that you thought you wanted do not matter as much and are not as important.  The things that easily made you smile seem to not be as special.  I understand that not every day can be a walk in the park and not everyday can be a happy, raining pink glitter kind of day, however I want to look at someone and feel like even on our worst days, I could not imagine my life without them.  I have failed at a few relationships and I look back and I think maybe I did not do all I could ... maybe they did not either.  Maybe I did not let things go, maybe I let things hurt my feelings too easily, maybe I did not fight hard enough. I can sit here and list a hundred more maybes but at the end of the day everyone has moved on and the reality is, those relationships where on my path to finding my happy ending.  

Will I ever be happy with myself?  Will I ever be at a weight that I feel "ok" with?  I look down the road and I wonder ... I am doing most of the things that I am suppose to do.  I go to group ... I keep my food journal ... I eat because I suppose to ... but none of those thing make me happy with my weight.  I am constantly unhappy with what I weigh.  I am always cautious about what I eat.  I always want to work out.  I am always worried about if I am sexy or not and not to just anyone but to the person who sees me in the most intimate ways ... Will he think every day I am sexy enough?  The reality is, at the end of the day, it should not matter what I weigh and if my body is sexy ... true happiness has nothing to do with either one of those thing.  It is about finding that person that sweeps you off your feet and loves you even when you do not love yourself.  For me, I need him to really love me on my days that I am really struggling and never forget that this eating disorder is stronger than my love for myself so I need him to love me more than the eating disorder... be strong enough for the both of us. 

However, on my journey to happiness, I have become a mother to four wonderful kids ... I have discovered that being a great mother is the only thing that I am really really good at.  I love them more than I ever thought imaginable.  Loving them is easy.  Even on their worst days I could never imagine my life without them. I have made mistakes with relationships, I have made mistakes with friends, I have made mistakes in general, but when it comes to my kids, I just love.  I do not think twice, I do not second guess, I just love.  I am just happy.  They are by far the best part of me.  They are the definition of true happiness. 

So here I am,  in this place of trying to find my path to happiness ... my path to a healthy life .. my path to a meaningful life ... I am not sure if I am on the right path or not so I am taking this advice:

You are a beautiful friend and when you have done what you know is all you can do, wait .... take heart.  Don’t give up or give in.  Keep your heart open and your mind believing.  Learn in the moment and trust.  Things always work out. :)

Thursday, December 15, 2011

Remember What You Deserve

Since this blog has started, I have been overwhelmed with support and encouragement from people in my life.  People who are close to me, people who I know in passing, and complete strangers.  I have been blessed with stories of people’s struggles and how they overcame them.  I have been lucky enough to know that I am not alone. What I am going through is difficult and at times I feel like there is no end and when I want to give up, I receive a beautiful message of hope or a thank you for sharing ... I never realized blogging about my "ED" could help someone else with theirs. 

I received this message today from a stranger who has been reading my blog:

Just wanted to let you know you're not alone. I know how hard this can be sometimes, but just remember you've never lost until you quit fighting… As long as you never give up, this disorder will eventually lose… When you can't keep going for your own sake, think of someone else who cares about you and do it for them. Congrats on getting help with ED. That takes a lot of nerve, but you were brave enough to do it. That's a victory already! Keep up the good work!

**********    **********   **********   **********   **********   **********    **********    **********   **********

I once heard "ED" described as a bad boyfriend that just wont go away.  You try to leave him in the past and when you think you have, there he is calling or knocking on your door.   This is so true ... Right when I think I am doing ok, something happens and I fall right back into my same habits. I start thinking about my body -  skipping meals - making it look like I have eat more then what I really have while I am in front of people.  The one negative about this blog, is that I have been so open and people around me now know what to look for.  They can now tell when I have not eaten or when I have purged.  Some handle it better than others - but before I could hide it from everyone.  No questions - no lectures - no looks. 

Recovery is hard ... it is a new battle every day.  Recovery is something that is worked at everyday ... you cannot just wake up and be recovered and never look back.  If only it was that easy.  The reality is ... it is harder then I ever imagined.  Today I am feeling extra heavy and it is hard when I get the reminder to log what I have eaten.  I feel guilty for excepting a compliment. I almost feel like I need to be on the defense about "ED".  I am extra cautious about what people think of my weight or body on my bad days.  My goodness, I yelled at the Wal-mart clerk today because of a comment she made.  She has no clue and yet what she thought was innocent, I thought was being said in an attacking manner.  If I did not have this "bad, stalker boyfriend" I would have said, "thanks" and gone about my business.  

I wish I could let go of what I am feeling so that I can enjoy what I deserve. I have great people in my life and they deserve to have the best parts of me - "ED" free parts - I will continue to push forward and I will one day enjoy every wonderful part of my life.  Today I taking the advice of a complete stranger who was nice enough to reach out to me and I am pushing forward not for me but for the people who care about me.  A "soul mates" promise.  

Monday, December 12, 2011

Beautiful and Flawless Today

I went out of town this past weekend.  I had the best time.  The road trip was fun, the place was beautiful, Bart Crow is my favorite, and the company was awesome!!! However, it is always hard when you get out of your comfort zone and schedule.  When you go out to eat in a group it is difficult.  When you have to eat in front of people that you have never ate in front of before, it is scary and when you go out to eat with people who are in your support system know what is going on, it is a struggle because I wonder are they watching me.  I was with the best people however, they eat when they were hungry and I did my best to eat when they did.   For weeks all I have heard about is this restaurant ... "We have to eat there.  It is the best.  They have the BEST mashed potatoes."  We went and ate and I will say I had the best chicken salad sandwich I had probably ever had.  It was amazing, but I was a bit overwhelmed.  Overwhelming because there were so many choices, there were so many people, it was just out of my comfort area. Even though I was overwhelmed, never this weekend did I feel watched or hovered.  Everyone was nice and normal.  Thank goodness.  With that being, said, now that the weekend is over and the fun has gone away I am back in the real world and I am struggling coping with the amount of food that I did consume this past weekend.  I just feel down about it.  I feel bad that I allowed myself so much freedom.    I was starting to really worry about the scale and how much I gained in one weekend and then I received a message and in the message was a verse that is perfect for me ... You are altogether beautiful my love, there is no flaw in you.  - Song of Solomon 4:7 ...  This was one of the most heartwarming; amazing verses I have ever read.  It is perfect for me.  So today ... I will let the weekend food go.  I will not count the calories and I will not eat numbers.  I will eat food to nurture my body.  I will smile because this disorder has not taken full control over my life and I am still alive.  Right this moment I am happy.  I cannot promise that tomorrow will be great and I cannot promise that I won’t start count numbers again, but today ... today I am not - today I free of guilt - today I am beautiful and flawless. 

Thanks Shell for your kind words and more importantly thank you for the bible verse.  It will forever have a SPECIAL place not only in my heart but my life. 

Sunday, December 11, 2011

Love is LOUDER

Ok ..... I know that this picture is harsh to look at.  I know that is will offend people, however this is the best example of what is in my head.  Right now I look at myself in the mirror and all I see is fat rolls and imperfections.  If I look at myself without clothes on it is almost unbearable.   Everytime I look at myself I find something different that I hate.  I know that hate is a strong word, however I HATE the way my body looks.  Someone once said, "Chevie, you do not have a REAL problem.  Just eat." It sounds so simple ... just eat.  I can eat.  I do eat.  It is after I eat that I feel horrible.  I know that what my eyes see in the mirror is not what everyone else sees.  I know that I am a horrible judge when it comes to body image.  However, just because I know that I am a poor judge does not mean that I can control it.   

The voice in my mirror is loud, some days out of control, some days it is so loud that I want to break the mirror. 

Thank goodness this is true in my life.  Love is loud.  The amount of love that my support system shows me is amazing. I may not always be able to hear it louder the the voice in the mirror but that is ok. It is ok because when I struggle they will yell their love for me. :)  

Friday, December 9, 2011

A Lifetime Promise

I want to start off by saying I am lucky enough to have a wonderful support system.   I am able to talk openly about my feelings and not hide my disorder from them.  I will be forever grateful for their unwavering love for me.  

Thank you: Mom, Chase, Vini, Juli, Jennifer, Amy, Keaton, Bailey, Clowey, Kennedy,  and the rest of my family. 

Last night as I was tossing and turning, trying to sleep, my phone went off.  This is the picture that I got. Like always; perfect timing ... from Juli.  How much more perfect can any picture be than a picture of silly socks on a scale.  It is perfect for me ... and in Juli style, the words of encouragement "you are beautiful".  If only in real life my scale could say this when I stood on it.  I know that I am not doing what I should be doing.  I know that my eyes have black circles, I know that my hair is falling out, I know that I am not eating right, I know this is why I can not sleep and all of this is making me even more emotional and now I am craving going to the gym ... so in my moment of complete mess, I get the most perfect picture from one of the most amazing people I have ever known. 

So here is my picture to you Juli ...

Sometimes all you need to get through to the next moment is a perfect picture.  

Thursday, December 8, 2011

Leaping Forward

"Making forward progress on the outside begins with making a leap on the inside."
- Lincoln Patz

How do I leap forward on the inside?  I am stuck in this place of wanting recovery and not knowing how to get there.  I have been thinking of recovery.  What it is like ... how I will feel ... How will I know I am recovered ... will it last .... I keep coming back to wanting to be skinny.  Can I be recovered and skinny?  I was told that recovery is hard.  I imagine so.  All I can think about is the scale.  I realized today that I do not care about being pretty or beautiful.  I would rather be skinny.  I would rather hear, "Look how skinny you are." then, "Wow, you are pretty."  I also realized today that maybe I want recovery more for the people in my life than me.  I truly feel like I need to recover for them.  For my Mom, who always worries and very rarely says anything for fear that I might take it wrong.  For my daughter, who I am so worried that I will pass on my body image issues to her.  For my boys, who already notice I skip meals. For my friends, who push me and encourage me to be the best person I can be.  The friends that are never disappointed in me.    I cannot think of one reason why I should recover for myself.  To me the definition of recovery is weight gain and that right now is not an option for me.  People say, "Be a healthy weight" ---- The "number" of my healthy weight is unimaginable for me. 

I do not want to let anyone down.  I want to make everyone happy and proud, so here I am stuck ... how can I leap forward if I am stuck?  On the positive side of being stuck ... I am not going backwards.  Going backwards would be failing and that right now is not an option either.  Maybe it is ok to be stuck.  Maybe being stuck is my leap forward. 

Tuesday, December 6, 2011

Love > Fear

Fear can consume your life and mess your plans up.  The horrible thing about fear is, the choices you make while be fearful are normally regretted later. 

I have tons of fears.  "ED" has kept fear in life for a long time.  I fear the scale.  I use to be one of those people who got out of bed every morning and went straight to the scale.  I needed to know what "my number" was.  However, I have not been on a scale in awhile now and I feel like I am in this moment of complete darkness.  I want to know, I feel like I need to know "the number" but I am so nervous to step back on the scale.  What if it is big?  What if it is at a number that I can not bounce back from?  Because of the fear I can not get on the scale.  I have tried. I have stood in front of one and could not bring myself to step on it. Fear ... fear is causing this insane chaos. 

Fear is a prison ... Fear holds me captive everyday.  I am constantly worried about weight and appearance and being skinny and not being what someone wants.  I am worried about being that perfect person.  The perfect friend, a great daughter.  Relationships in general are hard.  There is a lot of gray area and not so much black and white.  I have found great friends.  My GRAND friendships are great.   Those relationships are colorful.  There is no rules - no black and white - no gray - just a world full of color.  We always know what to say and how to say it.  We know when to laugh and when to cry.  We know what each other needs.  These relationships are the easiest.  Thank God for that because other relationships are hard and that's when I need them.  Relationships with parents are a little more black and white. They love you no matter what.  I can be fat or skinny, I can be a failure or not, I can be happy or sad and they still love me.  However, a relationship with a person you care about is much harder.  There are days that the whole area is nothing but gray and even a compass wont help you find your way.  Gray areas bring fear of rejection.  Rejection is tough no matter who you are.  Regardless if you have an eating disorder or not, regardless if you are a generally confident person, everyone has the fear of rejection inside them.  That fear will stop you from making the first move to what might be the love are your life.  That fear will stop you from saying you are sorry to someone who needs to be in your life.  That fear will  make you make choices that later you will regret. That fear will make your mind wonder to places that are dark.   It makes you think that the other person can not or will not put you first when it really matters.  That fear makes me worry that I am not good enough for someone who always tells me that I am.  Fear makes me think that he will find someone better or more deserving.  Someone prettier or skinnier.

However, the one thing that is not grey at all and is in every relationship is love.  I love my friends. I love them like no other.  They are my umbrellas in the rain.  They are the 2:00 am phone calls.  They are the sanity in my insane world.  I "LOBE" them :) I love my family.  My mom balances me.  She is my counter weight, the person who gave me birth and holds my hand everyday of my life. 

Love has to be greater than fear.  You have to believe in it.  You have to have faith in the other person that no matter what the situation their love will be greater than your fear.  I have to believe that love is greater than my fear of not being skinny.  I have to believe that love is greater than my fear of rejection.  People are going to get hurt in relationships .. that is part of it ... you just have to decide weather or not that person is worth it.  Love has to be greater than fear.    I need to love myself more than I fear the scale.  I know the love people show me is GREATER than that stupid number on the scale. Love will be greater than my fear of losing my sister. 

*** I know MY love is greater than YOUR fear.***  

forever & always


Friday, December 2, 2011

To Amber with LOVE :)

this is MY life and MY story and i WILL write it!!!

**From a place of great love and of fear that I will be hurt, I was told not to write this blog, but this is my safe zone and there are no rules,  so here goes**

I have been very open with my struggles with anorexia and wanting recovery.  However, wanting and and achieving recovery is two very different things.  At times they seem like they are on the opposite sides of the world.  Some days it discourages me and other days it makes me determined to proof to everyone that I can make the journey around the world and  recovery.  I have been told the strongest hold eating disorders have on you is the ability to make you feel like you are in control.  The control validates who I am.  Many people in the world struggle everyday with "trying" to control their weight ... for me the eating disorder has complete control over it.  The sad thing is, it also feeds on the things in my life that I do not have control over.  The things in my life that I am unhappy with, the things in my life that I want to change.  I can not change the past, I can not change my mistakes, I have excepted them, I have apologized and I have moved forward.  I am not my past, I am my today.  That's all I can do and today this is what is on my heart .....

I had the best time last night.  I went with my mom, Clowey, Hayden and Haylee to get a Christmas tree.  We picked out this really great tree (not to small, but not too big.)  We love it!!!  We get it home and the kids are so excited ... I pulled out the lights ... it is brought into the house and here comes Amber.   It was great fun times... Amber making fun of our "perfect" tree, I laughed so hard my tummy hurt at times.  Mom made chicken and dumplings, we brought out the glitter and the kids decorated ornaments to put on the tree, Amber and I together put the lights on the tree, The boys played football in the living room, everyone was happy.  Mom was happy!!!

With all that being said .....

Dear Amber,
           I miss you deeply.  I am not even sure exactly how we got to the place we are in, but never the less here we are.  This is not about who is right and who is wrong. (we both fall into both categories), it is not about which one gives in first, it is not about things that were said.  It should not be about what our friends will say or think of us if we work things out. This is about we were in the delivery room with each other.  It is about the Bailey city limits.  Its about cake fight on our birthdays and Kid Rock concerts.  Its about river trips and bingo.  It is about we have the most amazing mother and brother who deserve to enjoy time with both of us.  It is about all the many many memories we have had, the memories we have lost and the memories that can still be made.  It is about every monumental moment in my life, you have been there as I have been for you.  It is about our future ... our kids will grow up and graduate, we will become grand parents, my recovery and eventually the passing of our mother and I am not sure that I can do any of those things without you.
           We are grown - ups and we have separate lives with separate families and separate friendships, friendships that are wonderful and beautiful and special.  Friends that are true and genuine to each of us.  I have Juli, who I know is hurting because I am hurting. You have Chrissy, who has always been supportive of you.  I find it sad that the four of us have allowed words, words that only have meaning if we give it to them, to tear up lives and friendships.  For me personally, Chrissy was a terrific friend to me.  She would drive me to therapy, sit out there and waited on me and then held my hand on the way home when I cried.  I know Amber, that you and Juli and Chrissy have had great times together, I have seen pictures to proof it.  I understand that people change and people grow apart, I can except that, what I can not except is that this is the end of our story.

This is me jumping off the edge with complete faith that you will be there. 

I leave you with this ... Matthew 28.20 "I am with you always, to the end of time."

With LOVE, 

Wednesday, November 30, 2011

Beauty in the Ugliest Days

I received this as part of an email this morning:

"As we let our light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence actually liberates others." - Marianne Williamson

Those of you who have recovered or continue to recover from ED, give hope to those who have not yet been able to take those first steps. Thank you for your bravery.

Friday will be a month since I started this blog.  This has been an eye opening journey.  I have shared some of my ugliest days on this blog.  I have put my heart on the line in this blog.  I have also rejoiced in my happy days and been thankful for my many blessings.  I have found a voice I did not realize I had.  I had courage to say things that I thought I would never say.  I was able to talk openly about something that consumes a huge part of my life.  As I was looking back on some of my posts I realized a lot.

I have four wonderful children and I am a great mom to them.  I can look in their eyes and see the love they have for me.  I am so proud of them.  They are smart and funny, respectful and sweet and each one of them  very unique.   Everyday they make my life exciting and challenging.  They make my days colorful and special.  I promise them that I will love and support them until the end of my time here. 

I love passionately.  When I love someone I love them with all of my heart.  It is very hard for me to just love halfway.  I have failed at a few relationships and I have made mistakes in relationships, but I have loved.  I believe in love.  I know that it exists. I know because I am being shown that love can be wonderful and great and sweepy.  I promise to love today, tomorrow, the next day and next day after that until all the days are gone. 

I have two of the greatest friends a person could ever ask for.  Juli and Jennifer have taught me how to be a better friend.  They also taught me that you do not have to be connected by blood to be family.  We are connected by our hearts and that makes them part of my family.  They showed me in my darkest times that true friendships are the light at the end of the tunnel.  One of them said, "She is a great friend to me and until she is not I will be a great friend to her."  The other one said, "I love you no matter what!" My promise is this .... I will ALWAYS be a great friend and I will love them no matter what. 

I have hands down the most incredible mother.  I can not even find the words to describe how much I love her.  I am far from perfect and I have made many mistakes, but she loves me anyway.  There is not a single day that I do not talk to her.  It is important to me that I stay close to her.  For as long as I can remember she has been not only my mother but my friend.  Not to mention she is an amazing Granny :)  My promise to my mom is this .....hope.  She has been every step with me and when I am hurting so is she. I promise to never give up. 

As I look back at all the things in my life right now that are right, I realize that I am making the steps I need towards recovery.  I know that it will not be overnight and I will have bad days, however like I believe in love I believe in recovery. 

It is up to me to find beauty in the ugliest days.  To find MY beauty everyday, and my beauty today was the moment that my sister and I could be in the same room and not hate each other.  To see my mother have a conversation with the both of us.  Our relationship has many many ugly days and will have many many more, but today for a small, tiny moment there was beauty. 

I promise myself to be brave and let my light shine :)

Monday, November 28, 2011

Before Anorexia and Implants

This picture was on someones facebook page today.  Actually it was on a lot of peoples facebook page today.  Things have a way of exploding on facebook.  When I first saw it, I sat there and just stared at the computer screen for what seemed like 20 minutes.  The thoughts in my head where all over the place.  I am sure the person who started this did not mean it in anyway to be harmful or hurtful to anyone.  It was intended to be "funny" or a part of the "embrace your curves" campaign, which I think the concept is wonderful.  However, hurt, anger, anxiety, were are few of my emotions that I felt while my eyes re-read and re-read and re-read the words on this picture. 


So right off the bat, ANOREXIA.  I blog about it everyday, I live with it everyday, I am anorexic, but it completely offended me when I saw the word in print.  In print in this context.  I interpreted this as I can not be sexy.  My body will not be sexy as long as I am anorexic.  I had to take in a deep breath and exhale slowly and refocus.  This was not in any form or fashion sent directly to me. 

Second, IMPLANTS.  People who know me, know that I am not happy with my body and I would love to have implants.  The reality is, I have a "body image issue" and never will I be a candidate for implants.  I am so self conscience about my chest size and the reality in that is, my cup size does not define the size of my heart, but I cant help but think, will implants make me sexier?  

Then I went into this anger mode and I started nit picking everything about this picture.  Her thighs are touching, her arms are huge, her swim suit is hideous, the style of swimsuit is obviously chosen to cover her tummy.  I even found myself thinking the "f" word, which I NEVER use to describe anyone because that word has such an emotional attachment to me.  Then I took another deep breath and exhaled slowly and thought to myself, who in the world am I to judge Marilyn Monroe?  She is a huge sex icon and here I am anorexic with no implants picking out every flaw that I think I see.   The real question is, was I finding all the my flaws in her? I said and picked out everything that I hate about myself. 

Someone told me today that it is not just her body that made her sexy, but her attitude and the way she carried herself was sexy.  I understand that ... I get that that "sexy" does not have to be about appearance.  On the flip side of that, look at all the Victoria Secret models today.  How many of those women are "curvy", and they are the poster people who sell sexy.  Here is where the anxiety sits in, where do I fit?  Can I really be sexy in pjs reading on the couch?  Why do I feel I need to take three hours to get ready to go out on a date?  (and I still worry)  How do I embrace what I have?  How do I find confidence that I can be sexy? After I am not anorexic anymore will I be sexy?  But what if I am never not this way?  Will I go my whole life being un - sexy?     

I keep telling myself, this picture and these words where not directed to me and I will continue to tell myself until I fall asleep.  Tomorrow is a new day, with new words and new pictures. New feelings and new hopes.  I know that I have tons of work that needs to be done before I can say I am recovered.  One of my hopes is that recovery brings "MY" sexy (what ever it may be) out and that I embrace it. 

Sunday, November 27, 2011

Today Is Better Than Yesterday :)

Yes, Yes, Yes ...... Today was much better than yesterday. :)

I woke up today to an email that made me so happy.  I am now, along with my blog being followed by an eating disorder group.  A page that sends out hope and encouragement.  I later received a message from then thanking me for tweeting.  To a lot of people this is not important, but to me, it is an honor. 

I am lucky ... lucky to have my mom and my circle of people who always care.  At any moment they have great things to say to me, and it seems like it always comes at just the right time, right when I need it most.  The past few days more and more people are reaching out,  offering encouragement.  I was even called fearless.  Wow ... that is one word that I never thought would describe me.  This blog started out as a requirement of therapy,  a new "tool" to recovery and through it I have found my voice.  A way to get out all the things that I am feeling and thinking without fear of judgement.  The only rule is that there are no rules. Hold back nothing and never regret.  Share what I feel and not what everyone else might want to hear.  I  know that I have wrote about issues that have been hurtful for the people that are closest to me. I have wrote out of anger, I have wrote out of hurt, I have wrote out of fear.  Today, I write from a place of happiness.    

I know that I am not the only person in the world who struggles with this.  I know that I am not the only person who wants recovery.   Recovery seems unreachable right this moment, however I wonder what it will be like.  Will I be able to eat a meal and not worry about calories.  Will I be able to walk by a mirror and not be disgusted at what I see.  Will I be able to go a single day and not think about my weight?  I hope recovery makes the answer to those questions "YES". 

This blog did start out as a requirement, but tonight I write because I have this warm place in my heart and I know that I am not alone.  I know that there are people who love me and need to know what I am feeling to help me make it to the next day. There are people who are kind hearted and have reached out to me and are cheering me on.  I will continue to blog to record my days of struggle, so that I can later look back when I am in recovery, to remind myself where I have been. I will be open and honest because what if someone else who is struggling needs that? What if they read this and they too feel like they are not alone?  I will write, so my kids will have a parent that is committed and passionate.  A parent they can be proud of.   The road to recovery is hard and long.  The road to MY recovery will be long and hard for not only me but the people who love me the most.  There will be many many more rough and challenging days ahead, but today was better than yesterday and I am thankful for that. 


Saturday, November 26, 2011


I am struggling ..... I have been for two days.

I have been on a roller coaster of emotions the past few days.   Emotions that seem to be overly strong.  

Everyone loves Thanksgiving.  The holiday that is more known for eating food then anything else.  Mounds and mounds of food.  More food then most families can eat.  Our family had turkey and ham, dressing, potatoes, corn , green beans, rolls, red beans, deviled eggs, yams, cranberry sauce, gravyy and too many desserts to list.  Thanksgiving is the holiday where people go back for food two, three, four times and literally eat until they hurt, and yet everyone is happy.  However, for me, I only eat two things, dressing and cranberry sauce and I feel like I have gained 20 pounds.  I feel guilty because I enjoyed it.  It entered my mind to purge, but I did not and now I feel like a failure.  I enjoy being with my family during the holidays, it is after that it is clouded with thoughts of regret. 

The day after is a huge struggle!!!  I have all the feelings of failure and  I feel like a cow.   All I want to do is nothing, but I cant do that, I know  for sure  I do not want any food.  None at all.  However, that is not what happened at all.  "Lets go eat at Chili's."  Really?  I eat ... and then I purge.  The entire time I was eating I was thinking about getting rid of it.  This is a struggle.  It is a struggle because I should be able to enjoy a meal with people I really care about and it is a struggle because he now knows the signs and he hates it.  His reaction yesterday was .... anger.  "Why eat if you are going to throw it up?  It is a waste." "You are on a downward spiral."  "Lets go pick out caskets because that is where you are headed."  He has tried being nice, he has tried going with the flow and now he is at the stage of being angry and sarcastic about it. I tried to explain that sometimes I just need to be held and he cant.  He cant because he thinks I will take that as him accepting what I am doing and he cant accept it.  My heart knows that he means well and that he is hurting. I am hurting him.   The look my mom gave me yesterday morning was a look of hurt.  I am hurting her.  I feel like I am at a fork in a road and I have not idea which way to go.  To the right, where my family and friends want me, the path to recovery, or to the left, where my mind is, to a place I will be ok with my weight and my body.  I am torn.   

I had a small "wet noodle" moment last night and called my friend crying.  I say, "I am really struggling today." and she said, "I just had this feeling that you were."  Nothing more past that point in our conversation was more important.  I knew at that moment, she understood and cared.  That she would not be judgemental and that nothing but compassion would come accross the phone.  At that moment she was exactly what I needed. 

Maybe, I am on a downward spiral.  I have not been to group I two weeks.  I have not blogged in two days.  I am consumed with what I put in my body.  I am obsessed with my weight.  This is the thing, I have not weighed because I feel like a cow and I am terrified of what the number will be.  Just the thought of it makes me sick to my stomach.  Which is so ironic.  How can I be bother by something that I have no idea what it is? 

Today is not Thanksgiving, today is not yesterday, today is today and it is a new day.  I will try harder today.  I will try because I owe it to my mom.  I owe it to my friends who listen to me always.  I owe it to my kids.  I owe it to him. 

Wednesday, November 23, 2011

Thankful EVERYDAY!!!

If I woke up today with only the things that I thanked God for yesterday, I would be complete. 

I do this thing each day.  I write on one side of a note card: ”Today I am thankful for ...." and list things that I feel like I am thankful for.  On the other side I write a verse and a little prayer.  I have been doing this for a little while now.  It makes me feel good.  On one side, it reminds me that I have a lot to be thankful for and on the other side it helps me find courage and strength for my struggles. 

Here we are close to Thanksgiving and everyone feels the need to be thankful all of a sudden.  We should be thankful, but shouldn’t we be thankful everyday, not just the 30 days in November.  Or better than that.... look at the people who start out strong and then just stop.  Have they run out of things to the thankful for?   Surely not.. life happens and they forget to post. They have intentions and then get busy and can’t find the time.  You have people posting things about who they are thankful for and when you leave someone out or if you say someone before someone else then you have hurt feelings.  I have had my feelings hurt based on peoples posts.  I think people get caught up in the "game" of it and forget that being thankful is so much more. 

I am not perfect, I have made mistakes, I have struggles, because of that I have discovered that I have many many things to be thankful for.  If this was true, if I only had what I was thankful for yesterday, I would have, my mom. I would have my job.  I would have Juli, Jennifer, Amy, Connie, and Holly and their perfect friendships.  I would have Cloweys sweet smile in the mornings, Keaton's laugh, Bailey's heart and Kennedy (just the way he is).   Most of all I would have my Lord, because I am thankful for his many blessings and his unfailing love for me.  The funny thing is my list changes very little.  There may be different reasons why I am thankful for each person.  There may  be a different person on there just based on that day, but for the most part it stays the same.  That list is my support system, the reasons that I make it every day.  The reasons I work on recovery.  Therefore, I will be thankful EVERYDAY! 

I am not perfect, I have made mistakes, I have struggles, because of that I have the other side of the note card.  The side where I say a prayer.  A prayer for help. I refuse to pray for someone to change.  They have to change for themselves, but I can pray that He gives me knowledge and strength to change myself, to change how I handle the situation.  I pray every day God gives me patience with Kennedy.  He is 90 miles an hour all the time, he is made that way, no matter how much I pray, he is going to be that way, so I pray for me.  When things with Kevin are difficult, I pray that God gives me the ability to see the bigger picture and not to fight over petty, small stuff.  When I cannot understand why people are rude and hateful and mean, I pray that God gives me the strength to overcome the hatred and the  peace to not retaliate back.  What good will it do to be mean back, to say hurtful stuff back.  I cannot change the fact that most people want to be in the middle of everyone’s business, they feel like they have the right, so I pray that He gives me the heart to just be ok with what people think and every chance I get, not to judge based on others words, to make my own opinion and to give people the benefit of the doubt.  Who people once where and the places they have been, is not who they are today and where they are now.  People forget ...  they are so quick to remind you and others of your past and not remember that they too are not in the same place or the same person they once were.  I am thankful EVERYDAY that I am in a different place and I pray God reminds me of that before I am quick to pass judgment or words about others on.  It is my not my place to nor is it anyone else’s place. 

I am at this place in my life where I am not happy with every single thing in my life, but yet I am completely happy with life.  I am not happy with my weight, but yet I have hope for recovery.  I am not happy with my relationship with my sister, but yet I still love her.  I am not happy with Bailey’s health, but yet I am thankful that it is not worse. I am not happy with my past, but yet it has made me who I am today.   I am not happy that my mom hurts, but yet she is awesome everyday regardless. 

I was thankful yesterday, I am thankful today and I will be thankful tomorrow because I learned from my yesterday, happy with my today and hopeful for my tomorrow. 

Monday, November 21, 2011

My Unique War

My Unique War

My heart skipped a beat when I read this.  "Everybody is fighting their own unique war!"  Wow! This is so true.  Each person has their own demons and their own issues and their own way of dealing with them. 

I am guilty of this ...  not recognizing people have struggles that are not noticeable on the surface.  I am also a victim of this. People assume that I do not have weight issues because of my size.  I have learned the hard way that you do not have to be over weight to have a weight issue.  I struggle everyday with weight issues.  I struggle everyday with simple food choices.  I struggle everyday self worth.  I struggle everyday and yet 90% of the people in my life have no idea.  It is not that they do not care, it is that I refuse to let everyone know. There was a point in my life when I would have rather had people think I was on drugs then to know the real reason I was so skinny.  I was ashamed that I am anorexic. I could not tell people that I starve myself.  Those are harsh statements, but yet it is my reality.  Before this blog, very very few people knew anything about me and this.  I share now, openly and honestly as part of my journey to find recovery.  This still controls a huge part of my life, but I can not hide it.  It is PART of who I am.  It does not define me but it is part of the definition of my life.

All people are different. What I like ~ others may not.  What is right for me ~ may be wrong for others.  What makes me happy ~  may not be happiness for everyone.  What is easy for me ~ may be really hard for a few.  Food is scary for me ~ but yet is a passion for many. 

I will wake up tomorrow with an eating disorder still, but I hope that I can remember that I hide  my struggles and so does EVERY other person.  My prayer tonight is that more people recognize this too.  That more people become compassionate about others feelings.  That more people learn to put others first.  That does not mean make other people struggles your business ... but to just be kinder, because what they have going on could be worse then what you have going on.  I know that I have not always done this ... I know that I am guilty if not thinking about others first.  I am so sorry for that.  It is easy to get caught up in your own life and your own drama and to think that nothing else matters. However, the bigger picture is more then just me.  So I promise, to work harder.  Harder .... to put others first and harder to find my recovery. 

Sunday, November 20, 2011

Start a Revolution

Start a Revolution .... Stop hating your body!

REVOLUTION: a "turn around" or a fundamental change in power that takes place in a relatively short period of time. 

I had a FABULOUS weekend!!!  I went  to see Randy Rogers on Friday night and I had the best time!!  I was so worried that day about the night.  I was worried about what to wear, if I was skinny, if I was good enough, if I was what was wanted.  At the end of the day, I did exactly what I said I would do.   I walked in there and completely had a great time and looked amazing.  Saturday, I played in a softball tournament with some of my favorite people.  Kristen, my step - sister, who is awesome.  I love playing with her!!  She totally makes me laugh.  It just makes my heart smile to spend time with her.  Jennifer, who what more can I say about her, she is wonderful. James ... :):):).  Jeremy, Van, Kelly, Lacey, who I have had a great time on their team this past year.  Ivan, Preston, and Chris, which they were great to come help us out and my dear friend Amberly , who I just plain LOVE!!! I laughed and danced and had a great time.  :)

However, in the midst of all that is going on, I made poor decisions when it came to food.  I had four energy drinks before 5:00 pm and made the conscious choice to throw up what little lunch I did eat. My heart started to race and my chest and got tight and I was worried.  I was lucky to have people around me that love me and care for me.  Because of what I decided to do, I caused pain and disappoint in the people that I love and adore the most.  I hate this .... Why cant I see myself as they see me?  This is my thing ... I believe when I am told that I am enough .. I believe because I see the complete honesty and sincerity in their eyes, but I second guess myself.  I know that they love me and I feel almost like they "have" to say it.  The "non- eating disorder chevie" knows that, they don't have to say nice things to me, but the "eating disorder chevie" seems to ALWAYS win. 

Right now; in my life; I have people in  my life that are fantastic!  Friends that are there always, parents that are wonderful, kids that make me smile, so why cant I have my own "revolution"?  Why can't stop hating my body? 

I will be ok ... I will be because I have people around me that will not let me be anything but ok.  For that I am thankful. :)   NO war was ever won in one day, so I will keep this in mind and "my revolution" will come and "my army" will receive metals for all they have done!

Friday, November 18, 2011

as honest as I can be ... today

Here I go .... anxiety is setting in.  In the rarest form.  Let  me pull out the big chief tablet and my purple crayon and draw the picture.  Crowed bar .. my ex, his ex, the people we are with exes.  My head is spinning in a thousand directions.  At this point I would really like to just lock myself in a closet and come out tomorrow when it is a new day.

I HATE this feeling.  I know this is the eating disorder at its best.  "It" keeps my head always thinking, I am not enough.  I am not skinner.  I am not prettier.  I am not deserving.  "It" makes me change clothes ten times in the morning before I get frustrated with myself and just say screw it and walk out the door.  "It" will make me change clothes 25 times before we go out tonight.  I will still be panicked about it.  Will I look ok?    Will it be good enough? Will I look skinny?

This disease is horrible in every way.  "It" messes with your head in such a way that for me, I can stop eating when I feel the need to.  Yes, I lose weight, but look what it costs me.  My hair is falling out ....again.  Every time I run my fingers through it, it just falls out.  The irony is, I am so worried about what I look like and yet what I am doing is making my hair fall out .... how ugly am I going to look without hair?  But yet, I would rather be skinny.  I worry about being sexy, however I know in my head that skin over bones is not sexy ....  I am getting close to that.   But yet, I would rather be skinny.  This feeling is like being a hamster in a wheel, I just keep running and running and running and I have no idea how to jump off. 

One day at a time, is what I am told.  Take one day at a time.  Do what you can today and then do what you can tomorrow, tomorrow.  So, this is my plan for today .... not eat a single thing, throw up what I have drank before I get dressed, put on my dress and boots, show up and completely own the place, have a great time, and then go home, cry in the shower and wake up tomorrow with a new plan.  This may not be the best plan, but it is mine.  It is what I can do today to make me feel better. 

I know this will hurt people and I am sorry.  Sometimes being honest about this is hurtful,  not just for me but for the people who care about me.  This disease changes their life too.   I know there will be people call and try to talk to me about this, but there are no words that can change my mind today.  I promise this … tomorrow will be a new day and I will have a new plan. 

Thursday, November 17, 2011

Love has been on my mind for a little while.  The definition of  LOVE is (1) a profoundly tender, passionate affection for another person. (2) a feeling of warm personal attachment or deep affection, as for a parent, child, or friend. (3) sexual passion or desire. (4) a person toward whom love is felt; beloved person; sweetheart. I understand the words of the definition, but what it does not cover is the feelings.  The feelings of joy, excitement, pain, and heartache.  What the definition does not give you is an instruction manual.  A guide from your heart to whoever else's heart.  At this point I would settle for a tight rope with no safety net from my heart to a few other hearts.  At least then I would know for sure that we are connected. 

I guess based on past relationships, not just romantic relationships ... relationships in general (lovers, friends, family), my question is .. is LOVE enough?  Is it enough to over look all the hurtful things, to get by all the jealousy, to move forward from past relationships, to believe again in the people, to close your ears to the outside world, to shut your eyes and just allow yourself to fall.  Is LOVE enough to allow you to do all those things and still have faith that you are making the right decision? My fear is .... pain and rejection.  There is a quote, "Your heart will be broken, you just have to decide if the person breaking it is worth it." For me, every person is worth it, but that does not ease the blow.  It does not hold me at night when I am crying and it will not hold my hand when I need a friend. 

I saw this picture and it made me think .....

I thought that I wanted a "love story", a "happy ever after" but really I want something true and real.  If I can have something true and real along with my "love story" then that would be great.  But more importantly, I want relationships with people that work for us.  Rules that we make up.  Rules that may not be ok with everyone but are great for us.  I think most relationships already have that, people do their own thing but yet when you do something that is not ok with them, they judge.  They judge you if your friendships are different .... they judge you if your romance is different.  In the end, does it matter what they have as long as I am happy with what I have? It does not matter what their rules are as long as my rules are a fit for me. 

I believe in love.... I believe that I want my love to be multi - colored... just like the picture ~ beautiful ~ no rules ~ I do love with all my soul - with every breath ...  it may not always come across that way, but I do.  You may not be in my life right this moment, but I love you too.  We may be upset with each other, but I love you still. 

"Life is not about finding perfect people, it is about finding the people that are perfect for you."

Make you own rules ~ and dare to live by them :)