Friday, August 16, 2013

The Battles of My Soul

"some of the greatest battles will be fought within the silent chambers of your own soul"


I have not always been open about "ED" and for a LONG time I had this constant battle going on about weight and worth.  It wasn't until I started to get it out that I discovered a few things:
(1) I am not alone - many people have similar battles as I do.
(2) I have an amazing support system.
(3) Sometimes what is in my head is not the reality I live in.
(4) Sometimes things trigger and I can't help but to give in a little. 

TRUTH  ... Just because I have learned the four things above does not mean it is cut and dry. 

Common sense would tell you that since I know these things, it should be easy to identify and move on.  That is not the truth.  The truth is my mind is messed up!!  The truth is I am struggling.  Probably the dumbest thing I have done in a long time is consider eating a tapeworm to lose weight.  Really Chevie???  I know, to say that I am struggling is an understatement.  Of course, I did not eat a tapeworm nor do I plan on it, but the thought did enter my mind. 

Losing weight will not solve my issues ~~ Losing weight will not get my mind straight. 

I understand that "ED" is semi in charge of my thoughts right now, which means it is also semi in charge of my life.  For the first time in a long time, I can not open up and share with the person that I love the most.  All I can do is cry and all I can say is "My mind is messed up right now."  As you can imagine that can not be a good feeling for anyone, it can not be a good thing to hear.  Nevertheless, this is where I am at right now. 

I know that this battle will not last forever and I know that my mind and thoughts will straighten out. Once again my soul will be quiet and free. 

<3 always always

Monday, August 12, 2013

Level Three Trigger .... YES!!!

I read in an eating disorder book a little while ago that one third of the people suffering with anorexia will completely recover, one third of the people suffering with anorexia will die from it and one third of the people suffering with anorexia with struggle their entire life with it.  I am obviously in the last one third of people.  I  have come to terms with that.  I have accepted that "ED" is a part of my life.  I have been very fortunate that I have had amazing counselors to educate me and an AWESOME support system.  I know that I have been in a good place for a little while now, however everyday "ED" is a part of my thoughts.  Everyday I look in the mirror and think "can I be skinnier?" I think about running more or finding more gym time, I look for little things that I can do to cut calories or to "diet".  I am smart enough to know that all of these things are "ED" working inside me and most of the time I am able to push these thoughts aside.  I limit gym time.  I may try different things to boost metabolism, but I make a conscience effort to eat something every meal.  I know what it feels like to be in the "hamster wheel" that an eating disorder is, I also know what “triggers” me and “ED”.  Triggers are talked about a lot in groups or class.  What triggers you to fall back into the eating disorder?  For every person it is different.  For me, I always thought that MY triggers where all the same, had all the same value and weight and all I needed to do was stay focused.  I discovered that I was wrong.  I discovered  for me and "ED" I have different levels of triggers. 
  • Level one ..... I blow it off ... easy breezy.
  • Level two ..... I entertain the thought that I need to be smaller and I might even try and then my support system kicks in and I am back on track. 
  • Level three .... I am back in the hamster wheel, spinning it like I was running a marathon.

I have always been open and honest on this blog.  It is my outlet ... I experienced a level three trigger and I am struggling with how to deal with it.  The first I thing I did was lay on the floor of my closet and cry.  The second thing I did was shut down - close up - stay guarded.  The third thing I did was let "ED" take control ... AGAIN.  Here I am ... on the hamster wheel ... AGAIN.

I have skipped every full meal since this "trigger" popped up.  It is funny how things works ... people are so use to watching me eat that they forget to really look at what I am eating.  As long as I take a bite of something ... I am good. 


Right now I am in the comfort of "ED".  Right now ... I am ok with that.  I know what is ahead for me ... I know what "ED" brings and right now that is what I want.  I also know that this will pass and I will be back on track.  I just need a moment.

<3 always always