Put Your Clown Noses On :)

This is a picture of my four amazingly wonderful kids and I.  We had family pictures done the in December and this one is my favorite.  We had the best time that day, however, when we put on the clown noses, our day got even brighter.  We had the most amazing time laughing with each other.  The noses brought out a happier, funnier, more remarkable side of each of us.  No matter what kind of mood I am in, this picture makes me smile.  I have it framed at work and at home in a couple of places.  I even have a copy of it on my phone.   When I look at this picture it brings me back to that day and I see complete joy and happiness.  I see a family that is eating disorder free. J 

Today, I have really been looking at how blessed I am.  I am truly thankful everyday for the awesome people in my life, but the Lord gave me four beautiful children.  Each one of them are unique and clever and just wonderful in their own special way.  Each one of them know the buttons to push and an each one of them know me better then I know myself.  My little one will always warm me up a sausage biscuit in the morning when he is warming his up.  I do not want one every morning, but without fail he does it and brings it to me.  Some mornings I feel like he knows I need to eat. The other two boys are so great to tell me that I do not need to be on a diet or workout.  They are so sweet to me.  Then, there is Clowey.  I am already so worried that I will pass on my bad ED habits to her.  She is just like me and yet I want her to be nothing like me.  I want my kids to have confidence in who they are.  To be leaders and not followers and to have strength in their faith to know that even when they feel like they are walking alone they are truly walking with Him.  I want my cycle of eating disordered living to end with me.    These kids are my heart ~ these kids are the reason I breathe every day.  They deserve a life free of it.

Sometimes you need a little silly in your life.  No matter what is going on, what you are feeling, what your mind is telling you – put on your clown noses and laugh.  Wear the noses with pride and let yourself for a few moments be happy.

We all look better with clown noses and smiles on :)

Exercise ~ Eat ~ Ignore

I am printing this out and posting it where I can see it every day. 

Exercise to be fit, not skinny ~~~~ I know that I lose sight of this.  I want to work out to be skinny.  I love to workout.  I want to work out all the time.  I would go to the gym everyday if I could.  The whole time I am there I am thinking about the amount of calories I am burning.  I am making sure that I burn more than I consumed.  I even get excited when I can burn more calories than I consumed in two days.  I need to start working on being fit.  I need to try to think of it as staying healthy.  I need to focus on toning and not losing. 

Eat to nourish your body ~~~~This one is really hard!  I know in my mind that I need eat to nourish myself.  I must eat to keep going.  I have a super busy schedule and I feel horrible when my body is dragging because I have not given it enough.  On the flip side of that however, is I feel just as horrible when I eat.  I feel guilty, I feel like a failure.  I feel hate towards myself for giving into food.  Maybe, if I can look at it as fuel for my body - I will be ok.  Eat enough to be full but not guilty about it. 

AND ALWAYS ....

Ignore the haters, doubters, unhealthy examples that were once feeding me ~~~~ I love this line!!  Ignore the haters.  This made me think of a quote my friend Jennifer sent me .... " Don’t worry about what people say behind your back, they are the people who are finding faults in your life instead of fixing the faults in their own life."  Ignore the doubters.  The people who say, "You will never beat this."  I will ..  it just takes time and courage.  Ignore the unhealthy examples that are feeding my eating disorder.  WOW .... This one is big for me.  I look at all kinds of people and wonder if I am skinny, if I am sexy.  I need to let that go.  I need accept my body for what it is.  I need to have faith that I am at the place I am suppose to be.  My body is what it is.  As long as I take care of  it .... it will be ok. 

I AM WORTH MORE THAN I REALIZE :)

Beautiful in the Dark

I saw this yesterday and it has been stuck on my mind.  What does beautiful look like in the dark?  Of course I shut myself in the bathroom and in the complete darkness I looked at myself and for a moment or two in the deep black, silent space my eating disorder was silenced and I was beautiful.  In the dark, I could not find my flaws, my tummy roll, my stretch marks, the dark circles under my eyes.  In the dark, I felt like I was normal.  More importantly I felt eating disorder free.  Than the light had to be turned on and reality along with the eating disorder thinking came back and there were all my physical flaws back.  :( 

What if, we could live in the dark and all that people knew was words that were spoken - or what they felt in their hearts.  What if our physical traits were only judged based on what we could feel with our hands.  The world would be a better place to live, if we all lived in the dark.  There would be less hate and less judgment.  People would stop “seeing” people. Everyone would be their own kind of beautiful.  Eating disordered people could have a break ~ a life of just living.  We could enjoy and embrace our bodies.  For me, I would have anything to compare my body too.  If I lived in the dark, my beautiful would be easy to feel. 

However, the reality is we live with the light on.  We live in a world of runway models and diet commercials.  We live in a world that is so bright; most people judge others first by their appearance and never give them a chance to show how great their heart is.  Not only do I have every light on but I also have night lights for the dark.  I am so worried about my weight – I am consumed by it most days.  I count calories, I restrict, I hide the truth about meals.  My eating disorder has a spot light shinning on all the things I see wrong about my physical self. 

A dear friend posted this bible verse this morning and I love it. 

‎"For the Lord does not see as a man sees; for a man looks at the outward appearance, but the Lord looks at the heart. "  ~~1Samuel 16:7b

I need to remember this – for myself – I need to turn the lights off more often –

WARNING:

I need this for my mirror at home.  I need it so I can look at it every day and remind myself that I am who I am, I weigh what I weigh and I am not going to able to keep abusing my body to be something that "TV" says is beautiful. 

I will say, those things are easy to say, however it is hard to wrap my mind around the idea of being "ok" with how I am right now.  Right now, every channel is running weight loss center commercials.  I understand they are running because a lot of people make it their new year’s resolution to lose weight, however, on the flip side for me, I am so tired of seeing them and just a little bit I feed into them.  I have even looked up one on the internet and the meals that they provide are more calories than I would even think about.  I know it is crazy, but "ED" can make you think crazy thoughts.  I know.... I look in the mirror and pick out EVERY flaw that I have.  I see things wrong with me that no one else sees.  I keep telling myself, I need to lose five more pounds and I will be happy with where I am at.  How will I ever know when I lose the five pounds if I am scared to get on the scale?  I cannot judge if i have lost weight or not so when I look in the mirror, I just keeping thinking.... lose more weight ... lose more weight ... lose more weight.  I am not losing, I feel like I am not losing at all, but I don’t feel like I am gaining.  I am just in this spot of "body image hell". 

I am a huge believer in everyday is new day.  This is true.  The thoughts that I am struggling with today, hopefully will be gone in the morning and I will be able to put clothes on and feel good about myself. 

Tomorrow I will remember ~ reflections in the mirror may be distorted ~

Only God Can .....

I love this!!!!  :)

This is so true and at the same time this gives me hope for recovery. 

Only God can turn a MESS into a MESSAGE ~ Right now I feel like my life is a mess.  Not all of it, I have a great mom, wonderful kids, a job I love, but I feel like the skin I am in is all wrong.  I feel like my appearance is ugly and fat.  I feel like I have been less selective on what I have choose to eat, which makes me feel like I have gained 10 pounds.  I just feel heavy and weighed down.  On the positive side, I have been in a worse place and I am working on my message.  My message  ... of hope, of love, of understanding, of fight.  Every day that I live with ED is a day that get to share my message.  As long as I am sharing my message, I am alive. 

Only God can turn a TEST into a TESTIMONY  ~ Living with an eating disorder has been the biggest test in my life.  There are days that I feel like I am failing at this test.  However, I have complete faith that one day this test will be my testimony.  A testimony of hope, of love, of understanding, of fight.  Every day that I live with ED will only make my testimony stronger. 

Only God can turn a TRIAL into a TRIUMPH ~ Finding recovery is a huge trail.  I want it so badly.  I want to know what it is like to go eat and not have the thought of calories in my mind.  I want to eat dessert and LOVE it.  I want to LOVE myself.   But, in the midst of all of this I know in my heart when I do reach recovery, this will be the most amazing triumph in my life.  Every day that I live with ED, I will fight for recovery.   A triumph, of hope, of love, of understand, of fight.  I will fight because I deserve a triumph in my life. 

Only God can turn a VICTIM into a VICTORY ~  I am a victim of this horrible disorder.  I wake up a victim; I go to asleep a victim.  The people in my life that love me are victims.  My kids are victims.  This disease touches everyone around you.  It takes things away from you.  This disease consumes your thoughts and drowns out all that is good.  I am tired of being a victim.  I am ready to turn this into a victory.  A victory of hope, of love, of understanding, of fight.  I will celebrate my victory when I no longer live everyday with ED. 

I am ready to share my message of my life with an eating disorder in my testimony of triumph and victory.  I know that I will ~ I will because God has a plan for me.  :)

Without Darkness ......

without darkness, one cannot know light

There are many dark things in my life, but thank goodness I have had darkness, so I can appreciate the light :) 


Eating disorders are horrible.  Any kind, in any shape, they are all horrible.  My eating disorder keeps me in the dark a lot.  There are days that all I want to do is sleep so that i do not have to be up thinking about my weight.  My eating disorder makes me think about everything I put into my mouth.  It consumes me every day.  my eating disorder is causing me to lose my hair, it is causing me to bruise very easily, it is making lose sleep and making me very emotional.  However, through the darkness, there is light.  Light of a better day, light of recovery.  I am moving on each day to recovery.  I realized that right now I am in the dark, but when I am in the light, I will appreciate myself more.  In the light, I will love myself and my body, because I have been in the dark of hating myself and my body.  I know, the place I am in right this moment is bad and once I find my way out, I am going to fight everyday to at least have my "night light on".  I am trying to stay positive and realistic.  Realistic, in that I know, where I am at with my eating disorder, but positive that one day I will not be here.  :)

Another dark place for me is my relationship with my sister and a few other people.  I have been open and honest, I have been angry and sad, I have let go and tried to move on, but when people always have something to say, it is hard to stay in that place of not caring.  We live in a world where a single word can spread within minutes.  People think that they can say something and that it will never get back around to the other person.  It always does.  I have learned in the darkness of horrible relationships, how beautiful the light of true friendships can be.  I have learned in the darkness of people’s words, the light from a real friend can shine the brightest.  When hate consumes people and they insist on continuing to hurt people, love from a true friend will make you forget all about them.  Thank goodness I have several shining lights in my life, to help me forget about the dark.   :)

Just when you think every door is closed, remember this; just because the door is closed does not mean it is locked. Sometimes all you need to do is push on it. Taking a chance and pushing one a closed door, might find you light that you did not expect.

Take What I Need

The past 24 hours have been an emotional roller coaster and now I have to focus on the path ... the path to happiness and recovery.  In order to stay straight on the path I am going to take what I need and leave the rest for later. 

HOPE: I have hope.  "For I know the plans I have for you, plans to prosper and not harm you, plans to give you HOPE and a future." Jeremiah 29:11.  I believe that.  He does have a plan for me and if He has HOPE for me than I will take that and hold it near. 

COURAGE:  I have always felt like I lacked COURAGE, so much I have a "COURAGE" tattoo in hopes it will remind me to be courageous. 

FORGIVENESS: I need FORGIVENESS from the people I have hurt and I want to FORGIVE the people that have hurt me.  I know FORGIVNESS is hard.  It is something that everyone wants, but can hardly do.  There is a quote, "FORGIVENESS is not for them, it is for you."  I am going to try to remember that. 

LOVE: I believe in LOVE. LOVE for your family, LOVE for your children and LOVE for yourself.  I want to LOVE, I just need to figure out what LOVE is made of, how it looks, but more importantly I need to just LOVE and let everything else work out. 

LAUGHTER: Thank goodness I have tons of LAUGHTHER in my life.  It keeps me grounded.  When everything else is crazy, I will have LAUGHTER to remind me to keep light - hearted.  

PEACE of mind: WOW ... this is one that I am struggling with.  I am having a hard time wrapping my head around things right now and to just be at PEACE with myself would be a wonderful thing.  Hopefully PEACE of mind will come in time.  

FAITH: I am thankful everyday for the FAITH the Lord has given me.  When all else fails, when people are hurtful, when I have made mistakes, when I need answers, when I need peace, I turn to Him .... Matthew 17:9 says, "If you have FAITH the size of a mustard seed, you will say to this mountain, "move here" and it will move; and nothing will be impossible for you."  :)

TENDERNESS: I need TENDERNESS.  Sometimes, I need to be handled with "kid gloves".  I think I need to understand when other people need TENDERNESS.  There are times that each and every one of us need to be handled with "kid gloves".  

BEAUTY: I see BEAUTY in all the things around me.  I see BEAUTY in my children, I see BEAUTY in the way my brother and mom love me, I see BEAUTY in my friendships.  I want more than anything to see BEAUTY in me.  It's in there, I just have to look in the mirror enough and start believing what I see.  It is not just about appearance and I need to believe that. 


STRENGTH: I will take a bunch of this.  I need all the STRENGHT I can get.  I need it to find recovery; I need it every day to look in the mirror.  I need STRENGTH to be to stay on the path.  

REST: I will REST .... When I cannot sleep, my mind is all over the place.  I am more emotional.  When I am tired, is when the eating disorder is the most powerful.  My body needs REST.

PASSION:  I want to have PASSION in my life.  PASSION for love and PASSION for life.  I will find my PASSION again.

My HOPE for 2012

Here we are all at the start of a new year, and this is the time that everyone makes goals or resolutions.  Everyone reflects on the year that just past and decides to make changes based how they felt the year went.  I too, am doing that.  I spent the first few days of the year letting go of the things and people that hurt me so that I have room for the new things and people.  The first few days I did a lot of crying and thinking and tons of soul searching and praying and at the end of the day I came out a better person, a person with less stress and worry.  I cannot continue to let people weighed me down and I refuse to spend one more precious moment on the wrong people.  I have a lot to live for and I am going to do it. 

This is so true ~ life is short ~ so these are my goals .....

Break the rules:
I do struggle everyday with an eating disorder, however I have set my mind to find recovery.  I will "break the rules" that this dieses has set for me.  I will learn to accept who I am and what I look like.  I know that this may be the hardest thing in my life to accomplish, but I am taking the step of courage.... I am looking recovery straight the eye and I am taking back what is mine and what is mine is, my peace and my spirit.  I will fight this fight everyday and I promise myself that the scale will no longer determine my worth.  :)

Forgive Quickly:
If there is one thing that I have learned in 2011, it is this ... holding on to hate and fear will tear you down.  People are not perfect and things are said out of anger, things are done out of lack of judgment, feeling are hurt by accident ~ forgive ~ move past it ~ we cannot go back in time and change our path, we all wish we could but the reality is we cannot. We all have to keep moving forward on our own path, which may lead me away from people that I hold dear, however that same path will lead me to new people and I am ready for that.  I refuse to spend any more time in fear and anger.  I do not want to waste my time waiting, stuck in this place of resentment.  :)

Kiss Slowly
Relationships, I have learned in 2011 are hard, frustrating, stressful, but yet rewarding and giving.  My wish for 2012, is this, I kiss slowly ~ with passion and with faith and understanding.  I want to kiss with hope ~ hope that things will be great ~ hope that LOVE will be enough.  :)

Love Truly
There are a handful of things that I feel people love unconditionally and truly and for me it is my four wonderful kids and my God.  There are times that things are crazy - but in the calm I look back at the crazies and smile.  Keaton, Bailey, Clowey and Kennedy are some of the best things in my life.  They make me smile when I feel like nothing is worth smiling at, the make me laugh when all I want to do is be sad, they make my heart over flow.  Being their mom is the greatest gift I have been given.  I am lucky and privileged to love them. :)

Laugh Uncontrollably
I have some of the greatest people in my life and I can’t wait to see what 2012 brings to us.  We have already made so many memories, we have laughed until we cried, and shared countless hugs to last a lifetime, but this year my girls and I will laugh uncontrollably.  We will make crafts, we will smile at "duckers", we will sit on floors, we will do school projects, we will support each other’s kids, we will "friend check" each other, we will share silly pictures, we will road trip, and we ALWAYS answer the phone.  True friendship is a gift I will not take for granted.  :)

Never Regret Anything That Made You Smile
My hope is that this time next year, I look back on 2012 and have very very few regrets.  I am starting out this year as a woman on a mission and my mission is to smile ~ love ~ laugh ~ and be thankful for all the many many blessings I have.  I have wonderful kids - fantastic family - a job I love - friends that are amazing - a gracious Lord who loves me - living 2012 without  regret should be a walk in the park. :)

This is for me .... not for you!

I am not real sure where I should start, so I am just going to start typing and see where it gets me. I have been thinking over a lot of things that have been said the past week and I am completely amazed at what people think.  I am astonished that how self absorbed and hypocritically people can be and yet the saddest part is that they never stop to look deep inside their self and realize that they are just as much of the problem as anyone else. 

This blog is for me and no one else.  I do this to get out all that I need to so that I do not get hung up on things and dwell over them. When I hold things in, I tend to over analyze it and then from there I take it out on my body.  This blog is my release, my therapy, my way to vent and say things that I would never have the courage to normally.  There are no rules, no outlines, no deadlines, no strings, for those reasons right there is why this blog is working for me.  I can blog without fear and without regret.  I can blog about restricting and binging, I can blog about relationships, and I can blog about what I am feeling.  This blog has become one of the best tools I have had in a long time.  With all that, I know that I have made people really think about things, I have laid things out there that are hurtful, sad, breath taking and to some mean.  I have realized this past week that words are black and white, however people cannot take them that way.  How you read what I say and how you interrupt it, I think is a reflection on the person you are.  I have tried to be honest and real.  I have been heartfelt and if you think for any reason that what I have said is in anyway different then the words that were written, then you need to take a step back, remove yourself from your world and realize that you are not the only person in this situation.  I am just at this place of "ok" and no matter what I do or what I say, it is not ever going to be good enough for some people and the harsh reality is, I am ok with that.  What I am not ok, it generic face book posts, hypocritical friendships, fake "found again" people, and stupid tweets that if were meant for any reason but to be conniving then you would text it privately. 

I have said many, many times that I am probably farthest away from perfect than any person can be, however, I have also realized that no one else is perfect at all.  Everyone has faults, everyone has made mistakes and everyone moves on.  What I do not understand is, I can move on and make my life better and try to do what needs to be done, but people can’t let it go.  They think it is their business to hold things against me.  Yet, they have their own skeletons that they have seemed to have forgot about.  How hypocritically is that?  They can move on from their past  - they can forget all about it but they can’t let go of my past or when you bring up theirs it is like you have burned down a national monument and can never be forgiven.  Again, this world does not revolve around any one person or any one group - this world revolves around the sun and we just occupy it for a short, short time.  News flash people …. I am not my past and neither are you – thank GOD for that.  We are “today” and how you choose to handle your today leads to your tomorrow.  I am going to make many more mistakes in my life and so is everyone else, God made us that way, but who are you to judge me at all?  I accept you for your short comings, I do that because it is not my place to do anything but that. 

Life is short and if people hold on to hate and fear, they will always be missing out.  I do not hate, nor do I fear, but I do choice to let go.  To have the people in my life that want to be there, that say what needs to be said in person or in a personal text, not on some social network to make our friendship look better then what it is.  I was one of those people at one time but again I am not my past and I have learned that face book is the easiest place for people to be fake.  You have happy marriages and perfect people.  The truth is, that is bull crap, nothing is every happy and perfect all the time.  I agree, you should not air your dirty laundry out, but the least you can do is be real,  some of the time. 

I am truly at this place of just "ok" in my life, I am "ok" that I have an eating disorder and I "ok" with the fact that I struggle with it everyday, at least I am facing it and not running form it.  I am "ok" with the people I choose in my life.  It has been a long road to find real and true people, and I can say I have found some true gems.  I also realize that I need to weed out a few people and I will. It takes time to find what you want and I am "ok" with knowing that I have to be patient.  I am "ok" with being a single parent.  I love my kids with every breath I take and for them that is enough.  I am in a GREAT place with my faith ... and with that right there I need nothing more.