It has been almost a month since I have blogged. Every time I sat down to write, I was at a loss for words. I did not want to write about bad days, I was worried to write about good days, in fear that the next day would be a step back from recovery and I did not want to write about things that were on my mind. However, here I am today ready to free my mind. Ready to embrace whatever is ahead. J
February has been a big month for me. I moved back into my house with my kids. At first it was scary, but every day has turned out to be a wonderful mess. J We are running in every direction – baseball practice – basketball practice and games – soccer practice. I will say staying busy with them has been a blessing. I love coaching basketball. I have found a group of boys that are amazing. They are a talented, special, gifted group of boys that bring me joy and laughter at practices and they show complete heart, strength and unselfishness come game time. I love watching baseball. Keaton and Kennedy just light up when they are on the field, it is like they are at home on the diamond. Staying busy with my kids makes my heart complete.
Also, this February I turned 33. I am not big on age. Yes, I am 33 years old. Yes, I am a single mother of four children. Yes, I live with an eating disorder every day. But on the flip side of all that …. I am a great mother because I am 33 years old and I have learned a lot. I am working towards recovery because I have the knowledge that my years have given me to know that I need to recover and I will. I also, do not need presents. They are materials things that in the end do not matter. My brother called me …. Julie and Jennifer both called me … My mom made me a cake and had the kids sing to me … my sister even sent me a test later that night, however the heart breaking thing is my father never called. Which is fine, I will move forward and my heart will mend and it taught me something. Just because people are family does not mean you have to like them. You love them because you have this bond, but you are not obligated to like them, to be around them, or to communicate. However, I look at my children and realize that I have gotten the better end of the deal. They are going to miss out on how funny Keaton is and his ability to make anyone smile. They will miss how brilliant Bailey is and how passionate and heartwarming Clowey is and they will miss how talented Kennedy is. They will look back with regrets and heart aches.
This month I have looked for the Lord for a ton of guidance. He and He alone knows my path. He and He alone is the only one who can judge? Each person has their own relationship with the Lord. Whatever it may be, however strong it may be, it is theirs and no one else’s. I know that I am in the right place with my relationship with him and I have peace in my heart. With this peace comes understanding. Understanding that every person sins, people are going to, the Lord knows this and he loves us anyway. That’s the beauty of Him. True forgiveness. This is what I realized, people can boast about their relationship with Him, people can post verses or send verses to people to insinuate something, but at the end of the day if you are thinking or saying something about another person’s relationship with the God, then you are in the wrong, you are judging and that is not your place. Be happy with where you are and let others be happy with where they are. At the end of the day, no one knows what is said between a person’s heart and God.
February, is also the month of love. Which for people who know me, know that I really dislike Valentines Day. It has never been my favorite, probably because it is so close to my birthday and it seems to just get lumped all together. Which stinks!!!! What is wrong with sending flowers on April 9th, just because you love the other person? I let myself get a little down this year about it. I feel like I am in this spot of the unknown. I am alone, but yet sometimes I like that. Relationships are hard work. It is not always easy to love someone and when you do, I feel like you should not wait for a holiday to tell them.
Maybe the most important thing to come out of February 2012 is the realization that I am recovering. I refuse to let the pain of my past, the ignorance of people, the turmoil with my sister or the judgment of others to alter my thoughts of myself. I refuse to let my feelings affect my health. I will always be cautious of my weight, I know that I have a long road ahead of me, but I have made up my mind that by letting this disorder run my life I am also missing out on the great things in my life and just flat refuse to allow that to happen. I am worth more some disorder.
To my mom: Thank you! Thank you for never forgetting my birthday. Thank you for always trying to make it a special day. I am glad that we talk EVERY DAY and more importantly I am glad you are my mother.
To Juli and Jennifer: Thank you! You two listen to me cry, make me laugh and share moments with my kids that will never be forgotten. You two and your kids are more like family than some of our “real” family!!