Wednesday, January 18, 2012

Beautiful in the Dark

I saw this yesterday and it has been stuck on my mind.  What does beautiful look like in the dark?  Of course I shut myself in the bathroom and in the complete darkness I looked at myself and for a moment or two in the deep black, silent space my eating disorder was silenced and I was beautiful.  In the dark, I could not find my flaws, my tummy roll, my stretch marks, the dark circles under my eyes.  In the dark, I felt like I was normal.  More importantly I felt eating disorder free.  Than the light had to be turned on and reality along with the eating disorder thinking came back and there were all my physical flaws back.  :( 

What if, we could live in the dark and all that people knew was words that were spoken - or what they felt in their hearts.  What if our physical traits were only judged based on what we could feel with our hands.  The world would be a better place to live, if we all lived in the dark.  There would be less hate and less judgment.  People would stop “seeing” people. Everyone would be their own kind of beautiful.  Eating disordered people could have a break ~ a life of just living.  We could enjoy and embrace our bodies.  For me, I would have anything to compare my body too.  If I lived in the dark, my beautiful would be easy to feel. 

However, the reality is we live with the light on.  We live in a world of runway models and diet commercials.  We live in a world that is so bright; most people judge others first by their appearance and never give them a chance to show how great their heart is.  Not only do I have every light on but I also have night lights for the dark.  I am so worried about my weight – I am consumed by it most days.  I count calories, I restrict, I hide the truth about meals.  My eating disorder has a spot light shinning on all the things I see wrong about my physical self. 

A dear friend posted this bible verse this morning and I love it. 

‎"For the Lord does not see as a man sees; for a man looks at the outward appearance, but the Lord looks at the heart. "  ~~1Samuel 16:7b

I need to remember this – for myself – I need to turn the lights off more often –

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