Tuesday, January 3, 2012

This is for me .... not for you!

I am not real sure where I should start, so I am just going to start typing and see where it gets me. I have been thinking over a lot of things that have been said the past week and I am completely amazed at what people think.  I am astonished that how self absorbed and hypocritically people can be and yet the saddest part is that they never stop to look deep inside their self and realize that they are just as much of the problem as anyone else. 

This blog is for me and no one else.  I do this to get out all that I need to so that I do not get hung up on things and dwell over them. When I hold things in, I tend to over analyze it and then from there I take it out on my body.  This blog is my release, my therapy, my way to vent and say things that I would never have the courage to normally.  There are no rules, no outlines, no deadlines, no strings, for those reasons right there is why this blog is working for me.  I can blog without fear and without regret.  I can blog about restricting and binging, I can blog about relationships, and I can blog about what I am feeling.  This blog has become one of the best tools I have had in a long time.  With all that, I know that I have made people really think about things, I have laid things out there that are hurtful, sad, breath taking and to some mean.  I have realized this past week that words are black and white, however people cannot take them that way.  How you read what I say and how you interrupt it, I think is a reflection on the person you are.  I have tried to be honest and real.  I have been heartfelt and if you think for any reason that what I have said is in anyway different then the words that were written, then you need to take a step back, remove yourself from your world and realize that you are not the only person in this situation.  I am just at this place of "ok" and no matter what I do or what I say, it is not ever going to be good enough for some people and the harsh reality is, I am ok with that.  What I am not ok, it generic face book posts, hypocritical friendships, fake "found again" people, and stupid tweets that if were meant for any reason but to be conniving then you would text it privately. 

I have said many, many times that I am probably farthest away from perfect than any person can be, however, I have also realized that no one else is perfect at all.  Everyone has faults, everyone has made mistakes and everyone moves on.  What I do not understand is, I can move on and make my life better and try to do what needs to be done, but people can’t let it go.  They think it is their business to hold things against me.  Yet, they have their own skeletons that they have seemed to have forgot about.  How hypocritically is that?  They can move on from their past  - they can forget all about it but they can’t let go of my past or when you bring up theirs it is like you have burned down a national monument and can never be forgiven.  Again, this world does not revolve around any one person or any one group - this world revolves around the sun and we just occupy it for a short, short time.  News flash people …. I am not my past and neither are you – thank GOD for that.  We are “today” and how you choose to handle your today leads to your tomorrow.  I am going to make many more mistakes in my life and so is everyone else, God made us that way, but who are you to judge me at all?  I accept you for your short comings, I do that because it is not my place to do anything but that. 

Life is short and if people hold on to hate and fear, they will always be missing out.  I do not hate, nor do I fear, but I do choice to let go.  To have the people in my life that want to be there, that say what needs to be said in person or in a personal text, not on some social network to make our friendship look better then what it is.  I was one of those people at one time but again I am not my past and I have learned that face book is the easiest place for people to be fake.  You have happy marriages and perfect people.  The truth is, that is bull crap, nothing is every happy and perfect all the time.  I agree, you should not air your dirty laundry out, but the least you can do is be real,  some of the time. 

I am truly at this place of just "ok" in my life, I am "ok" that I have an eating disorder and I "ok" with the fact that I struggle with it everyday, at least I am facing it and not running form it.  I am "ok" with the people I choose in my life.  It has been a long road to find real and true people, and I can say I have found some true gems.  I also realize that I need to weed out a few people and I will. It takes time to find what you want and I am "ok" with knowing that I have to be patient.  I am "ok" with being a single parent.  I love my kids with every breath I take and for them that is enough.  I am in a GREAT place with my faith ... and with that right there I need nothing more. 

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