Wednesday, December 28, 2011

Starting to Fly

How wonderful is that:

                      just when the caterpillar thought the world was over, it became a butterfly.

I am keeping this in mind.... Things seem a little crazy in my world right this moment.  Everything that I thought I had under control is spinning in a tornado right now.  I have reached out to my sister with very little response.  Which, when I think about - it is ok.  I have made it this long without her and I will continue to make it.  We do have separate lives and she is doing her thing and I will continue to do my thing, with my people and be just fine.  I need to let her go and let go of the hope that things will be different with her.  I love my mother and my brother and I tried very hard, more for them than for me and I will be the first to apologize to them.  They deserve better from both of us, however I cannot continue to let the struggle between my love for them and building resentment towards her grow.  I know that I have tried - they know I have tried and I need to let it go.  Fly, fly away from it.

 I have come to a complete epiphany with some of the relationships in my life.  I don’t need them.  I do not need the people that bring me down.  I do a good enough job bringing myself down that I do not need any help from anyone.  I need positive people in my life and that is what I choose to surround myself with.  I do believe with all of my heart that God puts people in your life for a reason and he takes them out for a reason - this is true for family members as well.  I love them all, but I do not have to like them.  I am ok with that because they do not have to like me either.  We are different and in different places.  I will fly, fly away from them.

My eating disorder is in full force right now.  It is causing me to lose sleep and my hair.  It is causing me to feel extra emotional and guarded.  It is in rare form and all I think about is every bite of food I put in my mouth. I want to live a life that is free.  I want the people in my life to not have to worry everyday.  I want to love myself .   I need to fly, fly away from ED.

This is me as a caterpillar, embracing my world, hoping for change, recognising what is important ~

To Chase,
My brother, who I love and adore more than any other man in my life.  Thank you for your unconditional love and support even when I did not deserve it.  Thank you for just being you. I could not imagine my life without you.  You make me laugh and smile and more than anything you love me.  Never change - never bend - always fly free.

To Mom,
I love you so much.  You have always picked me up whenever I have fallen.  You are always there for me to laugh with, cry with and sometime yell at.  I am sorry for that.  I could not have asked for a better mother.  There is not one out there.   Thank you Mom for letting me fly when I needed to.  More importantly thank you for giving me a safe place to land when my wings broke. 

To Amber,
I cannot do anymore them what I have done.  I cannot reach out any more then what I have.  My arms have stretched as much as they can.  I also, cannot keep holding on the hope that we will even be half way to where we were, so I am letting go.  I am letting you off the hook.  I need to for me and for you.  I need to let you go for me so I won’t be disappointed anymore and I am doing it for you, so you will not feel pressure.  Always know I love you and one day, just maybe, our paths will cross again and we will find ourselves at a place of love, a place our family can be happy at, a place we can grow together.  Until then, good luck, have fun, spread your wings and fly.

To Me:
Remember ~ all great things take time ~ breathe ~ relax ~ recover.  There is a future for you.. a future without ED.  You will fly one day - beautiful like a butterfly ~ to my own music.  Gods timing is perfect!

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