Wednesday, December 21, 2011

In the Pursuit of Happiness

All everyone wants is to be happy.  It seems so easy ~ just be happy ~ however, I think the picture says it all.  The path to happiness is like riding a bike on a tight rope. 

I feel like I am still finding myself.  I am still trying to figure out what makes me happy.  Who makes me happy.  How to be happy.  In general .... I worry so much about making other people happy and doing and saying what they want, that I have forgot who and what I am.  Relationships start out great ... fun, scary (in a good way), no pressure, no worries, HAPPY ... after awhile you get stuck in this everyday routine of life .. the things that you thought you wanted do not matter as much and are not as important.  The things that easily made you smile seem to not be as special.  I understand that not every day can be a walk in the park and not everyday can be a happy, raining pink glitter kind of day, however I want to look at someone and feel like even on our worst days, I could not imagine my life without them.  I have failed at a few relationships and I look back and I think maybe I did not do all I could ... maybe they did not either.  Maybe I did not let things go, maybe I let things hurt my feelings too easily, maybe I did not fight hard enough. I can sit here and list a hundred more maybes but at the end of the day everyone has moved on and the reality is, those relationships where on my path to finding my happy ending.  

Will I ever be happy with myself?  Will I ever be at a weight that I feel "ok" with?  I look down the road and I wonder ... I am doing most of the things that I am suppose to do.  I go to group ... I keep my food journal ... I eat because I suppose to ... but none of those thing make me happy with my weight.  I am constantly unhappy with what I weigh.  I am always cautious about what I eat.  I always want to work out.  I am always worried about if I am sexy or not and not to just anyone but to the person who sees me in the most intimate ways ... Will he think every day I am sexy enough?  The reality is, at the end of the day, it should not matter what I weigh and if my body is sexy ... true happiness has nothing to do with either one of those thing.  It is about finding that person that sweeps you off your feet and loves you even when you do not love yourself.  For me, I need him to really love me on my days that I am really struggling and never forget that this eating disorder is stronger than my love for myself so I need him to love me more than the eating disorder... be strong enough for the both of us. 

However, on my journey to happiness, I have become a mother to four wonderful kids ... I have discovered that being a great mother is the only thing that I am really really good at.  I love them more than I ever thought imaginable.  Loving them is easy.  Even on their worst days I could never imagine my life without them. I have made mistakes with relationships, I have made mistakes with friends, I have made mistakes in general, but when it comes to my kids, I just love.  I do not think twice, I do not second guess, I just love.  I am just happy.  They are by far the best part of me.  They are the definition of true happiness. 

So here I am,  in this place of trying to find my path to happiness ... my path to a healthy life .. my path to a meaningful life ... I am not sure if I am on the right path or not so I am taking this advice:

You are a beautiful friend and when you have done what you know is all you can do, wait .... take heart.  Don’t give up or give in.  Keep your heart open and your mind believing.  Learn in the moment and trust.  Things always work out. :)

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