Friday, December 2, 2011

To Amber with LOVE :)

this is MY life and MY story and i WILL write it!!!

**From a place of great love and of fear that I will be hurt, I was told not to write this blog, but this is my safe zone and there are no rules,  so here goes**

I have been very open with my struggles with anorexia and wanting recovery.  However, wanting and and achieving recovery is two very different things.  At times they seem like they are on the opposite sides of the world.  Some days it discourages me and other days it makes me determined to proof to everyone that I can make the journey around the world and  recovery.  I have been told the strongest hold eating disorders have on you is the ability to make you feel like you are in control.  The control validates who I am.  Many people in the world struggle everyday with "trying" to control their weight ... for me the eating disorder has complete control over it.  The sad thing is, it also feeds on the things in my life that I do not have control over.  The things in my life that I am unhappy with, the things in my life that I want to change.  I can not change the past, I can not change my mistakes, I have excepted them, I have apologized and I have moved forward.  I am not my past, I am my today.  That's all I can do and today this is what is on my heart .....

I had the best time last night.  I went with my mom, Clowey, Hayden and Haylee to get a Christmas tree.  We picked out this really great tree (not to small, but not too big.)  We love it!!!  We get it home and the kids are so excited ... I pulled out the lights ... it is brought into the house and here comes Amber.   It was great fun times... Amber making fun of our "perfect" tree, I laughed so hard my tummy hurt at times.  Mom made chicken and dumplings, we brought out the glitter and the kids decorated ornaments to put on the tree, Amber and I together put the lights on the tree, The boys played football in the living room, everyone was happy.  Mom was happy!!!

With all that being said .....

Dear Amber,
           I miss you deeply.  I am not even sure exactly how we got to the place we are in, but never the less here we are.  This is not about who is right and who is wrong. (we both fall into both categories), it is not about which one gives in first, it is not about things that were said.  It should not be about what our friends will say or think of us if we work things out. This is about we were in the delivery room with each other.  It is about the Bailey city limits.  Its about cake fight on our birthdays and Kid Rock concerts.  Its about river trips and bingo.  It is about we have the most amazing mother and brother who deserve to enjoy time with both of us.  It is about all the many many memories we have had, the memories we have lost and the memories that can still be made.  It is about every monumental moment in my life, you have been there as I have been for you.  It is about our future ... our kids will grow up and graduate, we will become grand parents, my recovery and eventually the passing of our mother and I am not sure that I can do any of those things without you.
           We are grown - ups and we have separate lives with separate families and separate friendships, friendships that are wonderful and beautiful and special.  Friends that are true and genuine to each of us.  I have Juli, who I know is hurting because I am hurting. You have Chrissy, who has always been supportive of you.  I find it sad that the four of us have allowed words, words that only have meaning if we give it to them, to tear up lives and friendships.  For me personally, Chrissy was a terrific friend to me.  She would drive me to therapy, sit out there and waited on me and then held my hand on the way home when I cried.  I know Amber, that you and Juli and Chrissy have had great times together, I have seen pictures to proof it.  I understand that people change and people grow apart, I can except that, what I can not except is that this is the end of our story.

This is me jumping off the edge with complete faith that you will be there. 

I leave you with this ... Matthew 28.20 "I am with you always, to the end of time."

With LOVE, 

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