Thursday, December 22, 2011

Scale Disclaimer :)

This could possibly be one of  the BEST picture anyone has sent me. 

As Christmas gets closer and I am expected to be places, eat, be cheerful and smile, I am stating to get a little anxious.  Things always seem chaotic and out of my control.  I need to be here at this time and here at this time and have the kids there at a certain time.  People except you to eat at each place and more then that you are forced to have conversations that are fake and pointless.  People want to know how you have been and the reality is if they wanted to really know they would not wait until the holidays or a birthday to ask you.  I talk to the people who care and matter every day.  If I do not "friend check" them first or call, they call me or text.  There is no way; they will go weeks or months without calling or texting.  Forgive me if I am not excited about the holidays.  It is overwhelming and stressful.  When I am feeling overwhelmed and stressed out I take it out on my body.  I restrict.. I purge.. I neglect myself.  I am much harder on myself.  ED thinks it can control all the chaos that is around me by making me thinner.  I am already starting to see the effects of the holiday season and I am in this space of just struggle. I am on edge, I am jumping down peoples throat,  I want to weigh so I can see how thin the season can make me, but yet I am terrified to see how big the number might be. 

So here is the disclaimer: 
(1) The number before you will vary each day and multiple times per day.  Try not to go crazy. (but you could!)
         (I understand this ... if you breath wrong the number changes and crazy is an understatement.  The number consumes me and tries to consume my life.  Why can’t I look at it like this .... it is just a number ... and it has no meaning unless I give it power... easier said than done!!!!)
(2) This scale will not tell you the following:
       *What a great person you are.
            (I am a great friend and a great mother.  I should be ok with that.  Nothing more should matter.)
       *How much your family and friends love you.
            (I do have the best friends in the whole world.  They know when to call and check on me and they know what I am thinking and I never have to say anything.  I will forever be grateful that I have them in my life.  More importantly I have my mom ... who has shown over and over again that she loves unconditionally and I would not make one single day without her.)
       *That you can make a stranger melt with your beautiful smile.
            (I love to smile ... it may make someone else melt, but it makes me feel good to smile.  Why not smile? :) )
       *You have the power to choose happiness.
            (I do have the power to choose happiness and I want happiness.  Each day is a new day and I believe in my heart that I do move forward towards happiness ... I may be going at turtle speed but at least it is progress.)

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