Tuesday, December 6, 2011

Love > Fear

Fear can consume your life and mess your plans up.  The horrible thing about fear is, the choices you make while be fearful are normally regretted later. 

I have tons of fears.  "ED" has kept fear in life for a long time.  I fear the scale.  I use to be one of those people who got out of bed every morning and went straight to the scale.  I needed to know what "my number" was.  However, I have not been on a scale in awhile now and I feel like I am in this moment of complete darkness.  I want to know, I feel like I need to know "the number" but I am so nervous to step back on the scale.  What if it is big?  What if it is at a number that I can not bounce back from?  Because of the fear I can not get on the scale.  I have tried. I have stood in front of one and could not bring myself to step on it. Fear ... fear is causing this insane chaos. 

Fear is a prison ... Fear holds me captive everyday.  I am constantly worried about weight and appearance and being skinny and not being what someone wants.  I am worried about being that perfect person.  The perfect friend, a great daughter.  Relationships in general are hard.  There is a lot of gray area and not so much black and white.  I have found great friends.  My GRAND friendships are great.   Those relationships are colorful.  There is no rules - no black and white - no gray - just a world full of color.  We always know what to say and how to say it.  We know when to laugh and when to cry.  We know what each other needs.  These relationships are the easiest.  Thank God for that because other relationships are hard and that's when I need them.  Relationships with parents are a little more black and white. They love you no matter what.  I can be fat or skinny, I can be a failure or not, I can be happy or sad and they still love me.  However, a relationship with a person you care about is much harder.  There are days that the whole area is nothing but gray and even a compass wont help you find your way.  Gray areas bring fear of rejection.  Rejection is tough no matter who you are.  Regardless if you have an eating disorder or not, regardless if you are a generally confident person, everyone has the fear of rejection inside them.  That fear will stop you from making the first move to what might be the love are your life.  That fear will stop you from saying you are sorry to someone who needs to be in your life.  That fear will  make you make choices that later you will regret. That fear will make your mind wonder to places that are dark.   It makes you think that the other person can not or will not put you first when it really matters.  That fear makes me worry that I am not good enough for someone who always tells me that I am.  Fear makes me think that he will find someone better or more deserving.  Someone prettier or skinnier.

However, the one thing that is not grey at all and is in every relationship is love.  I love my friends. I love them like no other.  They are my umbrellas in the rain.  They are the 2:00 am phone calls.  They are the sanity in my insane world.  I "LOBE" them :) I love my family.  My mom balances me.  She is my counter weight, the person who gave me birth and holds my hand everyday of my life. 

Love has to be greater than fear.  You have to believe in it.  You have to have faith in the other person that no matter what the situation their love will be greater than your fear.  I have to believe that love is greater than my fear of not being skinny.  I have to believe that love is greater than my fear of rejection.  People are going to get hurt in relationships .. that is part of it ... you just have to decide weather or not that person is worth it.  Love has to be greater than fear.    I need to love myself more than I fear the scale.  I know the love people show me is GREATER than that stupid number on the scale. Love will be greater than my fear of losing my sister. 

*** I know MY love is greater than YOUR fear.***  

forever & always


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