Saturday, December 24, 2011

Just Breathe

Note to self:
Just Breathe

Here I am .. We are getting ready to start our Christmas celebration.  I have already experienced a moment of anxiety.  Well, let me be completely honest, I had a small break down last night and at 10:30 called Jennifer and Juli to do nothing but cry uncontrollably over the phone.  Someone bought me clothes.  My heart knows that he meant well.  I have said several times in two weeks that I need to buy pants because the ones I have are getting to big, however, MY pants size is completely MY business.   I do not want anyone knowing the number of my pants, or the size of my panties, the number on the scale.  Those numbers are off limits right now ..I am ok with telling everyone that I am 32  years old and I have four kids.  I am ok letting people know that I have an eating disorder, but weight and sizes, I am not ok with.  There is a part of me that understands in the grand scheme of things what size clothes I wear does not matter, however I am just not ready to let go of that control.  For me, buying clothes is always hard.  All my pants are too big right now, but I have not gone and tried on the next size down jeans.  If I receive the next size down and I try them on and I am too fat for them, I will be devastated.  On the other hand, if the clothes I get are too big, then I will think that I look bigger then what I am.  IT is a no win situation for me.  This is my fear.  Gift cards are so impersonal and I understand that and normally when you hear someone say this is what they need, you try to accommodate that because you care for them and what to make them happy, however, I am far from normal.  This is one of those moments that kind of need to be handled with "kid gloves".  The truth is I am totally nervous to try them on.  No person should be fearful of wonderful clothes, but I am. 

As I get ready to go see people I have not seen in months, be around food that I hate, I am trying to remind myself to just breathe.  Take it in.  I have said before take one day at a time, but when I look at the whole day, of schedules and food and the unknown, the whole day is overwhelming. I am going to take advice that I received in group,  I am going to take this day, one hour at time.  Let me get past this hour of worrying what I am going to wear that will make me look thin.  After I get dressed I will worry about the next hour and when I get past that hour I will move on to the next hour until the day and night is over and I am in bed.  I know that this does not sound like "holiday cheer", but I am just not feeling cheerful. 

Wish me luck, I will put a smile on my face (because that is what I do) and I will knock this day out one hour at a time.  If all else fails, I will have my phone and I know that there are two people that will always answer. 

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