Thursday, December 8, 2011

Leaping Forward

"Making forward progress on the outside begins with making a leap on the inside."
- Lincoln Patz

How do I leap forward on the inside?  I am stuck in this place of wanting recovery and not knowing how to get there.  I have been thinking of recovery.  What it is like ... how I will feel ... How will I know I am recovered ... will it last .... I keep coming back to wanting to be skinny.  Can I be recovered and skinny?  I was told that recovery is hard.  I imagine so.  All I can think about is the scale.  I realized today that I do not care about being pretty or beautiful.  I would rather be skinny.  I would rather hear, "Look how skinny you are." then, "Wow, you are pretty."  I also realized today that maybe I want recovery more for the people in my life than me.  I truly feel like I need to recover for them.  For my Mom, who always worries and very rarely says anything for fear that I might take it wrong.  For my daughter, who I am so worried that I will pass on my body image issues to her.  For my boys, who already notice I skip meals. For my friends, who push me and encourage me to be the best person I can be.  The friends that are never disappointed in me.    I cannot think of one reason why I should recover for myself.  To me the definition of recovery is weight gain and that right now is not an option for me.  People say, "Be a healthy weight" ---- The "number" of my healthy weight is unimaginable for me. 

I do not want to let anyone down.  I want to make everyone happy and proud, so here I am stuck ... how can I leap forward if I am stuck?  On the positive side of being stuck ... I am not going backwards.  Going backwards would be failing and that right now is not an option either.  Maybe it is ok to be stuck.  Maybe being stuck is my leap forward. 

1 comment:

  1. oh my gosh, this was like reading my own words that are stuck in my head. My daughter, i feel the same fears. my son, gets it too. I wish I could show this blog to everyone that knows and be like that is how i feel. I totally get the relationship thing. for me it is like I bring them in and then push them away to kept the ed safe. i have so many great friends that have stuck through so much with me. As for the recovery part again... the same. it is all for them, I wish I had a reason for me.