Thursday, December 15, 2011

Remember What You Deserve

Since this blog has started, I have been overwhelmed with support and encouragement from people in my life.  People who are close to me, people who I know in passing, and complete strangers.  I have been blessed with stories of people’s struggles and how they overcame them.  I have been lucky enough to know that I am not alone. What I am going through is difficult and at times I feel like there is no end and when I want to give up, I receive a beautiful message of hope or a thank you for sharing ... I never realized blogging about my "ED" could help someone else with theirs. 

I received this message today from a stranger who has been reading my blog:

Just wanted to let you know you're not alone. I know how hard this can be sometimes, but just remember you've never lost until you quit fighting… As long as you never give up, this disorder will eventually lose… When you can't keep going for your own sake, think of someone else who cares about you and do it for them. Congrats on getting help with ED. That takes a lot of nerve, but you were brave enough to do it. That's a victory already! Keep up the good work!

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I once heard "ED" described as a bad boyfriend that just wont go away.  You try to leave him in the past and when you think you have, there he is calling or knocking on your door.   This is so true ... Right when I think I am doing ok, something happens and I fall right back into my same habits. I start thinking about my body -  skipping meals - making it look like I have eat more then what I really have while I am in front of people.  The one negative about this blog, is that I have been so open and people around me now know what to look for.  They can now tell when I have not eaten or when I have purged.  Some handle it better than others - but before I could hide it from everyone.  No questions - no lectures - no looks. 

Recovery is hard ... it is a new battle every day.  Recovery is something that is worked at everyday ... you cannot just wake up and be recovered and never look back.  If only it was that easy.  The reality is ... it is harder then I ever imagined.  Today I am feeling extra heavy and it is hard when I get the reminder to log what I have eaten.  I feel guilty for excepting a compliment. I almost feel like I need to be on the defense about "ED".  I am extra cautious about what people think of my weight or body on my bad days.  My goodness, I yelled at the Wal-mart clerk today because of a comment she made.  She has no clue and yet what she thought was innocent, I thought was being said in an attacking manner.  If I did not have this "bad, stalker boyfriend" I would have said, "thanks" and gone about my business.  

I wish I could let go of what I am feeling so that I can enjoy what I deserve. I have great people in my life and they deserve to have the best parts of me - "ED" free parts - I will continue to push forward and I will one day enjoy every wonderful part of my life.  Today I taking the advice of a complete stranger who was nice enough to reach out to me and I am pushing forward not for me but for the people who care about me.  A "soul mates" promise.  

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