Wednesday, November 30, 2011

Beauty in the Ugliest Days

I received this as part of an email this morning:

"As we let our light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence actually liberates others." - Marianne Williamson

Those of you who have recovered or continue to recover from ED, give hope to those who have not yet been able to take those first steps. Thank you for your bravery.

Friday will be a month since I started this blog.  This has been an eye opening journey.  I have shared some of my ugliest days on this blog.  I have put my heart on the line in this blog.  I have also rejoiced in my happy days and been thankful for my many blessings.  I have found a voice I did not realize I had.  I had courage to say things that I thought I would never say.  I was able to talk openly about something that consumes a huge part of my life.  As I was looking back on some of my posts I realized a lot.

I have four wonderful children and I am a great mom to them.  I can look in their eyes and see the love they have for me.  I am so proud of them.  They are smart and funny, respectful and sweet and each one of them  very unique.   Everyday they make my life exciting and challenging.  They make my days colorful and special.  I promise them that I will love and support them until the end of my time here. 

I love passionately.  When I love someone I love them with all of my heart.  It is very hard for me to just love halfway.  I have failed at a few relationships and I have made mistakes in relationships, but I have loved.  I believe in love.  I know that it exists. I know because I am being shown that love can be wonderful and great and sweepy.  I promise to love today, tomorrow, the next day and next day after that until all the days are gone. 

I have two of the greatest friends a person could ever ask for.  Juli and Jennifer have taught me how to be a better friend.  They also taught me that you do not have to be connected by blood to be family.  We are connected by our hearts and that makes them part of my family.  They showed me in my darkest times that true friendships are the light at the end of the tunnel.  One of them said, "She is a great friend to me and until she is not I will be a great friend to her."  The other one said, "I love you no matter what!" My promise is this .... I will ALWAYS be a great friend and I will love them no matter what. 

I have hands down the most incredible mother.  I can not even find the words to describe how much I love her.  I am far from perfect and I have made many mistakes, but she loves me anyway.  There is not a single day that I do not talk to her.  It is important to me that I stay close to her.  For as long as I can remember she has been not only my mother but my friend.  Not to mention she is an amazing Granny :)  My promise to my mom is this .....hope.  She has been every step with me and when I am hurting so is she. I promise to never give up. 

As I look back at all the things in my life right now that are right, I realize that I am making the steps I need towards recovery.  I know that it will not be overnight and I will have bad days, however like I believe in love I believe in recovery. 

It is up to me to find beauty in the ugliest days.  To find MY beauty everyday, and my beauty today was the moment that my sister and I could be in the same room and not hate each other.  To see my mother have a conversation with the both of us.  Our relationship has many many ugly days and will have many many more, but today for a small, tiny moment there was beauty. 

I promise myself to be brave and let my light shine :)

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