I am struggling ..... I have been for two days.
I have been on a roller coaster of emotions the past few days. Emotions that seem to be overly strong.
Everyone loves Thanksgiving. The holiday that is more known for eating food then anything else. Mounds and mounds of food. More food then most families can eat. Our family had turkey and ham, dressing, potatoes, corn , green beans, rolls, red beans, deviled eggs, yams, cranberry sauce, gravyy and too many desserts to list. Thanksgiving is the holiday where people go back for food two, three, four times and literally eat until they hurt, and yet everyone is happy. However, for me, I only eat two things, dressing and cranberry sauce and I feel like I have gained 20 pounds. I feel guilty because I enjoyed it. It entered my mind to purge, but I did not and now I feel like a failure. I enjoy being with my family during the holidays, it is after that it is clouded with thoughts of regret.
The day after is a huge struggle!!! I have all the feelings of failure and I feel like a cow. All I want to do is nothing, but I cant do that, I know for sure I do not want any food. None at all. However, that is not what happened at all. "Lets go eat at Chili's." Really? I eat ... and then I purge. The entire time I was eating I was thinking about getting rid of it. This is a struggle. It is a struggle because I should be able to enjoy a meal with people I really care about and it is a struggle because he now knows the signs and he hates it. His reaction yesterday was .... anger. "Why eat if you are going to throw it up? It is a waste." "You are on a downward spiral." "Lets go pick out caskets because that is where you are headed." He has tried being nice, he has tried going with the flow and now he is at the stage of being angry and sarcastic about it. I tried to explain that sometimes I just need to be held and he cant. He cant because he thinks I will take that as him accepting what I am doing and he cant accept it. My heart knows that he means well and that he is hurting. I am hurting him. The look my mom gave me yesterday morning was a look of hurt. I am hurting her. I feel like I am at a fork in a road and I have not idea which way to go. To the right, where my family and friends want me, the path to recovery, or to the left, where my mind is, to a place I will be ok with my weight and my body. I am torn.
I had a small "wet noodle" moment last night and called my friend crying. I say, "I am really struggling today." and she said, "I just had this feeling that you were." Nothing more past that point in our conversation was more important. I knew at that moment, she understood and cared. That she would not be judgemental and that nothing but compassion would come accross the phone. At that moment she was exactly what I needed.
Maybe, I am on a downward spiral. I have not been to group I two weeks. I have not blogged in two days. I am consumed with what I put in my body. I am obsessed with my weight. This is the thing, I have not weighed because I feel like a cow and I am terrified of what the number will be. Just the thought of it makes me sick to my stomach. Which is so ironic. How can I be bother by something that I have no idea what it is?
Today is not Thanksgiving, today is not yesterday, today is today and it is a new day. I will try harder today. I will try because I owe it to my mom. I owe it to my friends who listen to me always. I owe it to my kids. I owe it to him.