Before Anorexia and Implants

This picture was on someones facebook page today.  Actually it was on a lot of peoples facebook page today.  Things have a way of exploding on facebook.  When I first saw it, I sat there and just stared at the computer screen for what seemed like 20 minutes.  The thoughts in my head where all over the place.  I am sure the person who started this did not mean it in anyway to be harmful or hurtful to anyone.  It was intended to be "funny" or a part of the "embrace your curves" campaign, which I think the concept is wonderful.  However, hurt, anger, anxiety, were are few of my emotions that I felt while my eyes re-read and re-read and re-read the words on this picture. 

BEFORE ANOREXIA AND IMPLANTS,  THERE WAS SOMETHING CALLED SEXY. 

So right off the bat, ANOREXIA.  I blog about it everyday, I live with it everyday, I am anorexic, but it completely offended me when I saw the word in print.  In print in this context.  I interpreted this as I can not be sexy.  My body will not be sexy as long as I am anorexic.  I had to take in a deep breath and exhale slowly and refocus.  This was not in any form or fashion sent directly to me. 

Second, IMPLANTS.  People who know me, know that I am not happy with my body and I would love to have implants.  The reality is, I have a "body image issue" and never will I be a candidate for implants.  I am so self conscience about my chest size and the reality in that is, my cup size does not define the size of my heart, but I cant help but think, will implants make me sexier?  

Then I went into this anger mode and I started nit picking everything about this picture.  Her thighs are touching, her arms are huge, her swim suit is hideous, the style of swimsuit is obviously chosen to cover her tummy.  I even found myself thinking the "f" word, which I NEVER use to describe anyone because that word has such an emotional attachment to me.  Then I took another deep breath and exhaled slowly and thought to myself, who in the world am I to judge Marilyn Monroe?  She is a huge sex icon and here I am anorexic with no implants picking out every flaw that I think I see.   The real question is, was I finding all the my flaws in her? I said and picked out everything that I hate about myself. 

Someone told me today that it is not just her body that made her sexy, but her attitude and the way she carried herself was sexy.  I understand that ... I get that that "sexy" does not have to be about appearance.  On the flip side of that, look at all the Victoria Secret models today.  How many of those women are "curvy", and they are the poster people who sell sexy.  Here is where the anxiety sits in, where do I fit?  Can I really be sexy in pjs reading on the couch?  Why do I feel I need to take three hours to get ready to go out on a date?  (and I still worry)  How do I embrace what I have?  How do I find confidence that I can be sexy? After I am not anorexic anymore will I be sexy?  But what if I am never not this way?  Will I go my whole life being un - sexy?     

I keep telling myself, this picture and these words where not directed to me and I will continue to tell myself until I fall asleep.  Tomorrow is a new day, with new words and new pictures. New feelings and new hopes.  I know that I have tons of work that needs to be done before I can say I am recovered.  One of my hopes is that recovery brings "MY" sexy (what ever it may be) out and that I embrace it.