I HATE this feeling. I know this is the eating disorder at its best. "It" keeps my head always thinking, I am not enough. I am not skinner. I am not prettier. I am not deserving. "It" makes me change clothes ten times in the morning before I get frustrated with myself and just say screw it and walk out the door. "It" will make me change clothes 25 times before we go out tonight. I will still be panicked about it. Will I look ok? Will it be good enough? Will I look skinny?
This disease is horrible in every way. "It" messes with your head in such a way that for me, I can stop eating when I feel the need to. Yes, I lose weight, but look what it costs me. My hair is falling out ....again. Every time I run my fingers through it, it just falls out. The irony is, I am so worried about what I look like and yet what I am doing is making my hair fall out .... how ugly am I going to look without hair? But yet, I would rather be skinny. I worry about being sexy, however I know in my head that skin over bones is not sexy .... I am getting close to that. But yet, I would rather be skinny. This feeling is like being a hamster in a wheel, I just keep running and running and running and I have no idea how to jump off.
One day at a time, is what I am told. Take one day at a time. Do what you can today and then do what you can tomorrow, tomorrow. So, this is my plan for today .... not eat a single thing, throw up what I have drank before I get dressed, put on my dress and boots, show up and completely own the place, have a great time, and then go home, cry in the shower and wake up tomorrow with a new plan. This may not be the best plan, but it is mine. It is what I can do today to make me feel better.
I know this will hurt people and I am sorry. Sometimes being honest about this is hurtful, not just for me but for the people who care about me. This disease changes their life too. I know there will be people call and try to talk to me about this, but there are no words that can change my mind today. I promise this … tomorrow will be a new day and I will have a new plan.