Friday, November 18, 2011

as honest as I can be ... today

Here I go .... anxiety is setting in.  In the rarest form.  Let  me pull out the big chief tablet and my purple crayon and draw the picture.  Crowed bar .. my ex, his ex, the people we are with exes.  My head is spinning in a thousand directions.  At this point I would really like to just lock myself in a closet and come out tomorrow when it is a new day.

I HATE this feeling.  I know this is the eating disorder at its best.  "It" keeps my head always thinking, I am not enough.  I am not skinner.  I am not prettier.  I am not deserving.  "It" makes me change clothes ten times in the morning before I get frustrated with myself and just say screw it and walk out the door.  "It" will make me change clothes 25 times before we go out tonight.  I will still be panicked about it.  Will I look ok?    Will it be good enough? Will I look skinny?

This disease is horrible in every way.  "It" messes with your head in such a way that for me, I can stop eating when I feel the need to.  Yes, I lose weight, but look what it costs me.  My hair is falling out ....again.  Every time I run my fingers through it, it just falls out.  The irony is, I am so worried about what I look like and yet what I am doing is making my hair fall out .... how ugly am I going to look without hair?  But yet, I would rather be skinny.  I worry about being sexy, however I know in my head that skin over bones is not sexy ....  I am getting close to that.   But yet, I would rather be skinny.  This feeling is like being a hamster in a wheel, I just keep running and running and running and I have no idea how to jump off. 

One day at a time, is what I am told.  Take one day at a time.  Do what you can today and then do what you can tomorrow, tomorrow.  So, this is my plan for today .... not eat a single thing, throw up what I have drank before I get dressed, put on my dress and boots, show up and completely own the place, have a great time, and then go home, cry in the shower and wake up tomorrow with a new plan.  This may not be the best plan, but it is mine.  It is what I can do today to make me feel better. 

I know this will hurt people and I am sorry.  Sometimes being honest about this is hurtful,  not just for me but for the people who care about me.  This disease changes their life too.   I know there will be people call and try to talk to me about this, but there are no words that can change my mind today.  I promise this … tomorrow will be a new day and I will have a new plan. 

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