Yes, Yes, Yes ...... Today was much better than yesterday. :)
I woke up today to an email that made me so happy. I am now, along with my blog being followed by an eating disorder group. A page that sends out hope and encouragement. I later received a message from then thanking me for tweeting. To a lot of people this is not important, but to me, it is an honor.
I am lucky ... lucky to have my mom and my circle of people who always care. At any moment they have great things to say to me, and it seems like it always comes at just the right time, right when I need it most. The past few days more and more people are reaching out, offering encouragement. I was even called fearless. Wow ... that is one word that I never thought would describe me. This blog started out as a requirement of therapy, a new "tool" to recovery and through it I have found my voice. A way to get out all the things that I am feeling and thinking without fear of judgement. The only rule is that there are no rules. Hold back nothing and never regret. Share what I feel and not what everyone else might want to hear. I know that I have wrote about issues that have been hurtful for the people that are closest to me. I have wrote out of anger, I have wrote out of hurt, I have wrote out of fear. Today, I write from a place of happiness.
I know that I am not the only person in the world who struggles with this. I know that I am not the only person who wants recovery. Recovery seems unreachable right this moment, however I wonder what it will be like. Will I be able to eat a meal and not worry about calories. Will I be able to walk by a mirror and not be disgusted at what I see. Will I be able to go a single day and not think about my weight? I hope recovery makes the answer to those questions "YES".
This blog did start out as a requirement, but tonight I write because I have this warm place in my heart and I know that I am not alone. I know that there are people who love me and need to know what I am feeling to help me make it to the next day. There are people who are kind hearted and have reached out to me and are cheering me on. I will continue to blog to record my days of struggle, so that I can later look back when I am in recovery, to remind myself where I have been. I will be open and honest because what if someone else who is struggling needs that? What if they read this and they too feel like they are not alone? I will write, so my kids will have a parent that is committed and passionate. A parent they can be proud of. The road to recovery is hard and long. The road to MY recovery will be long and hard for not only me but the people who love me the most. There will be many many more rough and challenging days ahead, but today was better than yesterday and I am thankful for that.