Wednesday, November 9, 2011

Life is not about waiting for the storm to pass, it is about learning to dance in the rain.

This is my goal.... dance in the rain. 
My relationship with food is like a huge thunderstorm. ~ My relationship with my sister is a hurricane. 

My thunderstorm, at moments seems to only be a sprinkle some days.  I can see the pretty flowers trying to come up.  I have hope and faith that I will do better.  I feel completely horrible that the people that I hold dear and close have to go through this with me. They have to hold me when I cry, give me encouragement, help me get to group, sit with me on the bathroom floor.  They listen to me, they love me.  They are everything that I need.  Even more, then just the eating disorder, they are there for me no matter what.  At the moments of a complete down pour, they hold the umbrella for me because I am not strong enough.  If for no other reason, I need to get out of this circle for them, my kids and my mom.  

My relationship with my sister however is like Hurricane Katrina.  The winds are dangerously strong, the rain beats down hard, the devastation that is left behind is heartbreaking and at times unbearable.  This hurricane has torn friendships and families apart.  This storm has done damage that can not be repaired.  The main storm is over, but the effects of the storm continue everyday.  For me, I miss my sister something fierce,  I received my first coin in EDA and I had to get drunk to share the information with her.  There is not a day goes by that I do not want to call my sister or talk to her.  My heart breaks because my mom and my brother suffer from this.  The people we love feel awkward when we are all together .... they are not sure who to talk to or sit by.  My children suffer because she is their aunt and the love her.  I miss her kids like crazy.  However the lines have been drawn and there have been things said that can never be taken back.  I do not know how she feels.  I have seen and heard things that she has had to say ... things that are hurtful and mean.  Is that a sign that she is hurting too?  That is what I am thinking because to think that she is just cold and heartless is not an option.

To my sister:  I am not perfect.  I have made mistakes.  I live with those everyday.  I am sorry. 

At the end of the day, my life goes on.  I am lucky that I have had the honor to have amazing people teach me how to dance.  More importantly, one of them dance in the rain with me EVERYDAY. 

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