So I have not weighed in days ... I have no idea what "the number " is. I was feeling pretty good about he fact that I have not been on the scale. I felt empowered by it. In my mind I thought that I was finally in control and that I did not have to know my number. Then I noticed something while I was driving down the road ... the ring I wear everyday spins around my finger more then it did earlier this week. So, I started thinking .... of some of the other signs that I have overlooked, but now are important to me. Spinning is a sign of weight loss. That makes me happy and ok with not knowing my number. That is how this works. As long as I still see signs of skinny I am happy. I have thought back on my eating habits and they have changed. Without making a big deal out of eating, I am eating in front of people but what I choose to eat is different. I will eat in front of my mom, what she cooks, but then not eat anything the next day and the day after only eat something really small. I feel like I am doing my part by eating something and the people around me feel ok because they see me eating. It is like a win win situation. :)
So as I think about the picture ... I remember the time I told my mom something... It was a very low time in my life and I am so sorry that I hurt her so much with my words. She said, "you are killing yourself" and I said, "at least I will be skinny in my casket." Wow .... I know it is harsh, but skinny makes me feel validated, makes me feel ok with myself. Skinny makes me feel pretty and happy. Honestly, I still feel that way .... "at least I will be skinny in my casket" It is if part of me wants no one to remember anything but I was skinny.
Tomorrow is a new day and maybe I will be thin enough tomorrow.