Friday, November 11, 2011

So I have not weighed in days ... I have no idea what "the number " is.  I was feeling pretty good about he fact that I have not been on the scale.  I felt empowered by it.  In my mind I thought that I was finally in control and that I did not have to know my number.  Then I noticed something while I was driving down the road ... the ring I wear everyday spins around my finger more then it did earlier this week.  So, I started thinking .... of some of the other signs that I have overlooked, but now are important to me.  Spinning is a sign of weight loss.  That makes me happy and ok with not knowing my number.  That is how this works. As long as I still see signs of skinny I am happy.  I have thought back on my eating habits and they have changed. Without making a big deal out of eating, I am eating in front of people but what I choose to eat is different.  I will eat in front of my mom, what she cooks, but then not eat anything the next day and the day after only eat something really small.  I feel like I am doing my part by eating something and the people around me feel ok because they see me eating.  It is like a win win situation.  :) 

So as I think about the picture ... I remember the time I told my mom something... It was a very low time in my life and I am so sorry that I hurt her so much with my words.  She said, "you are killing yourself" and I said, "at least I will be skinny in my casket."  Wow .... I know it is harsh, but skinny makes me feel validated, makes me feel ok with myself.  Skinny makes me feel pretty and happy.  Honestly, I still feel that way .... "at least I will be skinny in my casket"  It is if part of me wants no one to remember anything but I was skinny. 

Tomorrow is a new day and maybe I will be thin enough tomorrow. 

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