Friday, November 11, 2011
Today has been a good day :). I went to group. It is funny, I was so so scared before to go to group therapy, I was so worried about what people would think of me, but the people there are great! For the first time I feel like I am talking to someone that understands what I am thinking, what I am going through. They understand how hard day to day things are. They care without worry and judgement. They are just like me. The relationships that are being made in that group will be forever in my heart. One thing I struggle with is that the people in my life have a hard time understanding what it is like for me. However, I have a hard time understanding them. They have never been on this side of the fence.... The side of wanting to look perfect... The side where it is scary gain one pound... The side where at any moment my mind can be on food and calories. Or the hardest scarest part, is when I want to feel sexy and I can't because I am so worried a out what is going through his mind. Will he notice my belly roll, will he find it as disgusting as I do? But on the other hand I have never been on their side. The side of concern, the side of worry, the side of feeling helpless and not knowing what to do. In my mind I know that I can not move on with my life ... A life of happiness, a life of fun, a life with someone who loves me more then I can imagine if I do not let go of the past and this eat disorder. This has stolen from my life my happiness, my joy, countless hours of my life, my quality of life. I want to refuse to let it take anything more from me. I want to be able to be ok with myself. I want to lay next to someone and not have any fears. I want to be able to eat normally. I want to have my kids look back and have good memories ... To be able to remember a time where their mother was not on a diet. I know I have a long road, I know it will not be easy, but I will overcome. I may not have the answers right now on how to overcome but I will. I will because I believe in love and love IS enough.