I guess it is a good thing I like to smile :)
This really hit my heart this morning ... because as I think of myself, my smile is the ONLY curve that I want. I feel like I have fallen off the wagon here lately. I know that my "curves" are growing. I know that I am more unhappy with my body.
Over the weekend I ate two meals each day and then Monday I ate dinner. I know that my number has gone up and that worries me. So for everyone else, this is good, I am on the track to recovery, but to me I am failing. I am failing at being skinny, I am failing at having control over my eating habits. Thanksgiving is coming up and there will be food everywhere. Christmas is right after that and if I can not control what I put in my mouth now, how can I do it then. Or even worse, I hate that people look at what I am eating or not eating. They have something to say, they ask "is that all you are eating?" "Are you still hungry?" I feel obligated to eat ~ to make people feel ok. Then afterwards I feel horrible.
Why .... why cant I let is go? Why cant I be happy with myself?
Why are very few people happy with their weight? Everyone around me is on a diet. Every magazine has articles and ideas on how to lose weight. Why am I always driven to these articles? Why do I feel the need to diet?
I cant remember at time where I was happy with what I weighed. I cant remember a time that I looked at myself in the mirror and was happy with the reflection. I cant remember a time that I felt good enough .... maybe that's why I smile so much..... so people do not know my horror. I want to enjoy dessert ... I want to pick sometimes where we go eat at. I really want to believe him when he tells me I am sexy.
Until then, I will be thankful that I LOVE to smile. :)