Friday, November 4, 2011
All that is wrong with me ..... let me count the ways
I read this and immediately thought this is so not me .... I never see the bad in people and always in me. One good thing about having an eating disorder is I never look at someone and see their appearance. I always see them in a "perfect" light. I am so consumed with what I look like and if I am fat and worried what they think of me. What is going through their head as we are talking .... are they thinking I am ugly or fat? This is a horrible cycle to be in.
How is it that I can not believe in my heart the things that people are telling me? People that I trust ... people that are going to be in my life for the rest of my life ... people that I know love me .... why can I not take the words they tell me about my appearance and let them soak in and truly believe them? This is why? The eating disorder.... it will not let me .... My heart wants to believe them, but I mind tells me they feel obligated to say nice things because they know all I have been through and they see me struggling everyday and do not want me to have anymore pain.
The question of the day is, why is apperance so important to me? It does not define who I am. It does not make me a better mother. It does not make me a better friend or daughter. Being skinny does not make me a better human, it only makes me skinny.